Disney Couples Therapy: Session Three Immortal

- [THERAPIST]: TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT ERIC
THAT YOU LOVE?
- HE'S REALLY SMART [laughs].
THAT'S GOT ALL NEW INTERESTING ONES. THIS ONE [laughs].
DO YOU KNOW THAT A TOSS SALAD ISN'T JUST FOR DINNER?
- FUCK.
- KIDS.
- KIDS?
[scoffs]
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- [laughs]
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NO.
- FIRST OFF, WE'D PROBABLY HAVE A LITTER.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...
- SECONDLY, IF WE DID HAVE A CHILD, WE'D
BE SIGNING OUR OWN DEATH CERTIFICATE.
- SHE'D HAVE A GOOD BODY THOUGH IF WE DID, END UP DOING THAT.
- THE LIKELIHOOD OF ONE, IF NOT BOTH OF US
DYING BY THE TIME SHE TURNS 16 IS RIDICULOUSLY HIGH.
- SHE WOULD HAVE A NICE PAIR OF BREASTS.
AND AN UNNATURALLY SMALL WAIST.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL DO [laughs].
- DID.
WE ALL DID.
- I HEARD YOU.
- MY NAME IS SNOW WHITE. YOU LITERALLY COULD NOT
GET ANY PURER THAN THAT.
WHY WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED THAT I'M NOT THAT
ADVENTUROUS IN BED?
- [sigh] YOU WERE LIVING WITH 7 GUYS?
THEY KEPT SINGING, "HEIGH-HO!"
- WE SPEND EVERY HOLIDAY WITH YOUR FAMILY.
IT WOULD BE NICE IF ONCE WE COULD GO HOME--
- WOAH, WOAH-WOAH. WE TRIED THIS.
A COUPLE CHRISTMAS' AGO, I SPEND THE
ENTIRE NIGHT IN A FUCKING RAFT. WHILE
THEY WERE EATING DINNER DOWN IN THE WATER.
- I'M...
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AN OWL.
- YOU FUCKED FRED?
- TAIL AS OLD AS TIME. WE NEVER DANCE ANYMORE.
WE USED TO DANCE ALL THE TIME WHEN WE
WERE DATING.
- YEAH, BECAUSE WE WERE DATING.
WE WERE DATING.
- FUCKING KNEW THAT.
I FUCKING KNEW THAT. IT'S LIKE THE
RD OR 4TH TIME. HOW MANY TIMES IS THIS NOW?
CAN WE EVEN MAKE IT BACK HOME?
TIMES?
WITH THE OWL, OR WITH OTHER ANIMALS?
- THERE'S OTHER ANIMALS--
- ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS.
- HAVE YOU EVER HAD CHUCK DUCKING?
IT'S SALMON STUFFED IN A DUCKBILL FISH,
STUFFED IN A SHARK.
- NO, NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER HAD THAT BEFORE.
- I WOULD'VE DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU WHEN
WERE DATING. I WOULD'VE TAKEN A POTTERY CLASS
FOR YOU WHEN WE WERE DATING, BUT WHAT'S THE
POINT NOW? WE'RE MARRIED.
- [gasp] OH, LUCKY ME.
- WHY DON'T WE JUST BRING OUT BAMBI'S DAD?
WHY DON'T WE JUST DO THAT.
- THAT IS NOT FAIR. HE WAS GRIEVING WHEN I
DID THAT. OKAY? HIS WIFE DIED.
- HE LEFT HIS FAMILY. HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT THAT?
- WHAT WERE YOU PICTURING?
ME, LYING IN BED NAKED WHILE THEY PAIRED UP?
DOC, ON DOPEY?
DOPEY ON BASHFUL?
- [exhales]
- NO, WE COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
WHAT WERE WE GOING TO FIGURE OUT?
I CAN'T EVEN STAY-- I FLOAT.
- THIS IS OVER.
NO, IT'S OVER.
IF THERE'S EVER A DEAL BREAKER, IT'S
FUCKING NIGHT BIRDS.