Ben Carson tells God what he would like to do to the American people if elected president, and God is a bit surprised.

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to Good God!
I am God, and today's episode
is brought to you by beavers.
Beavers. They got tails.
They slap the water.
They can chew trees down.
They're awesome.
I made them.
Check them out.
Here on this show today,
running for President of the
United States right now,
Dr. Ben Carson.
He's a neurosurgeon.
Hello Dr. Carson. How are you today?
Hello, it's good to be here
with you.
It's not everyday that I get
talk to somebody on my show
who's running for President.
I think America needs what
I can offer given my
background as a neurosurgeon.
I've spent years taking
other humans, opening up their
heads, and getting
a look at exactly who they are.
- Okay, that's a little weird.
- And now that I know
who Americans are I feel that
I can lead them better than anybody.
Just because you've looked inside--
Because I've looked at their
brains God, and I know that
I can open up their minds, and
I want to do that
to everyone here in America.
I want to change who we are.
Are you saying that you want to
cut in to every American's
head, and look at their brains?
That's exactly what I'm talking
about God.
That is insane.
I want to open up the head of
every American, and
right now I don't have the powers
to do that.
Okay, that's--
Only the President has the
power to do that,
and so as soon as I become
President, on day one,
what I'm going to do is
repeal Obamacare--
- Okay.
- Make our borders secure--
- Alright, yeah.
- And I'm going to start
opening the heads of every
American, and getting inside.
You see, right there is where
things go really wrong.
You can't do that.
Not even the President has the power
to do that, you know--
I'm pretty sure the President
has the power to do that.
He doesn't though.
He doesn't though, Dr. Carson.
Okay, you were a neurosurgeon,
that's great,
but being President is more
about trying to get laws passed,
you gotta make speeches,
you got to shake a lot of hands--
I'm happy to do all that, if
that's what it takes to get
what I need.
What you need?
Like touching the brains.
And I like probing into their brains.
You know Ben, you shouldn't be
saying this on my show right
now. Someone is going to make
an attack ad about this.
The American people know
that I will go inside their
heads--
- Oh boy.
- And I will touch their brains.
They don't know that you plan
on going inside their head
if you're elected, and
checking out their brains.
I mean what are you going to
get out of going in,
and touching their brains?
I get a lot of...
Oh man. It felt like you were
talking about sexual pleasures.
You're not talking about
that are you?
I try to put my penis--
Whoa, Ben.
As close as I can, to the brain.
No, Ben, don't start talking
about your penis--
I try to put my penis as
close as I can to the brain.
This is not right.
So that I can really feel
who they are.
You're going to hump somebody's
head while it's open
with the brain.
Humping is such a crude word.
You know, in this context I feel
that you're saying
smart words crudely.
So it doesn't really matter what
kind of words we use.
I have a good track record
of leaving behind a little bit of me
inside people's heads--
- Oh my God.
- And closing it up.
You cum on people's brains,
and then you close them up?
I cum on people's brains, and
then I put the skull back together.
Oh geez, Ben.
You just blew your Presidency right there pal.
Hey, I'm telling you, I've met--
You think so?
I don't need re-election,
if I can get everything done
in my first term.
Well, you know I got the feeling
that you wouldn't
get re-elected if, you know,
you start doing everything
that you're talking about.
I think when you're President
you can do whatever you want.
So, that's all we have time for
the show. I'd like
to thank my guest Dr. Ben Carson
for being on the show
with me, and revealing a truly
horrifying side of himself.
I-I-I...
Once again today's show
is brought to you by beavers.
Beavers. They're little mammals.
They chop down trees.
I love them.
Check them out.
I've been real close to some
beavers before.
Man, you messed up a beaver?
Don't forget to vote for me.
Ben, you suck man.
God out!

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