The Yelling Man is back to talk about the so-called "War on Christmas."

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December 21, 2015
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Transcript

Matt Klinman: Hey! Welcome to Yelling
Man with Matt Klinman.
Matt Klinman: I'm Matt Klinman the Yelling Man,
Matt Klinman: and Ho Ho have I got
something stuck
Matt Klinman: in my yell
chimney today.
Matt Klinman: The war on
Christmas.
[rock music]
Matt Klinman: First off, there is no
fucking war on Christmas, alright.
Matt Klinman: Starting in October
Christmas is jammed so
Matt Klinman: far up our dick holes that
we're puking up tensile
Matt Klinman: and ornaments all the way
until spring. At this point
Matt Klinman: Christmas is so baked into
our economy that if we
Matt Klinman: pulled it out the whole
country would collapse.
Matt Klinman: Like one of those fucking
cakes, where if you pull
Matt Klinman: the middle out the whole
cake collapses.
Matt Klinman: You know, like a Jenga cake
or whatever.
Matt Klinman: The real war on Christmas
was won ages ago, and you
Matt Klinman: know by who?
Matt Klinman: By fucking
corporations man.
Matt Klinman: The form of capitalism that
we have in this country
Matt Klinman: is so fucking fragile that
we have to claim God
Matt Klinman: is demanding we all buy
presents for each other
Matt Klinman: just so these shitty
companies can stay afloat
Matt Klinman: for another year.
Matt Klinman: How fucked is that?
Matt Klinman: You know what the real God
in this country is?
Matt Klinman: It's Uncle Sam's all
might dollar dick.
Matt Klinman: Whoa! That
is graphic. Nice.
Matt Klinman: Anyway, Christmas equals
capitalism, and capitalism
Matt Klinman: is our God, and if you
believe in God, and all
Matt Klinman: that Christmas shit, then you
believe in Satan, and you
Matt Klinman: know that Satan invented
capitalism. We all know that.
Matt Klinman: Fucking Norm Chomsky knows
that, and he's a fucking
Matt Klinman: atheist. By all that logic,
Satan created our God,
Matt Klinman: and Satan won the
war on Christmas.
Matt Klinman: John.
Hail Satan. Welcome
to Walmart.
Matt Klinman: You don't want some fucker
at Walmart or Starbucks
Matt Klinman: saying happy holidays to
you. This is what they
Matt Klinman: should be saying instead
of merry Christmas.
Hail Satan.
Welcome to Walmart.
Matt Klinman: So what do we
do now?
Matt Klinman: Are we all just doomed
to be slaves,
Matt Klinman: forced to buy things we
don't need until we
Matt Klinman: all die and go to Hell
which I guess is the North
Matt Klinman: Pole in this
metaphor?
Matt Klinman: No, there is a way we can
beat the dark lord.
Matt Klinman: We all convert to Judaism.
In Judaism there is no
Matt Klinman: concept of Hell. So if we
all become Jews there is
Matt Klinman: no more Hell, and therefore
no more Satan, and we're
Matt Klinman: all free from this
capitalist slavery.
[music]
[horn blows]
I now pronounce
you Jewish.
Matt Klinman: We're all Jews now.
Mazel tov.
Matt Klinman: Mazel tov.
Mazel tov.
Matt Klinman: I was already Jewish before this.
Does this make me like
Matt Klinman: a super Jew?
As far as I know, yes.
[rock music]
[Funny or Die News theme]

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