There are many things you should say when you first see your friend's new baby. These are not them.
- August 10, 2017
- 720k Views
Written by Zack Poitras
Directed by Matt Mayer and Zack Poitras
Starring: Zack Poitras, Kelly Hudson, Amy Heidt, Ego Nwodim, Dan Black and Honora Talbot
Producer: Rob Hatch-Miller
Editor: Matt Mayer
Director Of Photography: Ryan Bender
Production Designer: David Enriquez
Production Coordinator: Nabeer Khan
1st AC: Craig Schumacher
Gaffer: Matt Krueger
Key Grip: Danny Rosenberg
Sound Mixer: Danny Carpenter, BoTown Sound
Hair & Make Up: Laura Morton
PAs: Valentina Albano and Jake Maziar
August 10, 2017
- Wow, what do we have here!
- This is your aunt Amy.
(plucked string music)
That's um, that's what you wanted, huh?
- Oh, hey, hey , hey!
Is that a baby or a diseased squash, right?
- Is he gonna grow into his head?
- It's clearly...
It's clearly a baby when I look at it now.
- You had to have sex to make that? (laughs)
I hope it was good.
- It's like a puppy, you know?
That I don't want anywhere near me.
- I just want to throw grapes in that mouth, it's so agape.
- I think some fur would help.
- I think your baby is anorexic.
- It's probably good to get him some
self defense classes now though, right?
- Does he have a tail?
- Because YOU
are getting bullied.
- Look like you've been to war. (laughs)
- Like I just picture the horrible things
they're gonna say to you.
- You know how when you make a batch of cookies
and you take 'em out of the oven and they're all burnt?
Is that how you felt when you took him out of your vagina?
- (sighs) Must be such a burden.
- Does your baby know any tricks yet?
- Looks like you've dropped him on his head
a few times already, huh?
- Are you crying 'cause you're hungry
or 'cause you don't like your mommy?
- Aww, buddy,
you look like a deflated football.
- I actually don't know if I've ever tried this.
- When will you know if it's gay?
You gonna know soon or?
- Do you have the hots for mama or dada?
- Oh that baby is gay as hell.
That baby is checking me out.
That baby is trying to fuck me. (laughs)
I'm not gonna fuck your baby, chill. (laughs)
- I mean I don't think you can oversexualize a baby.
- What's his dick like?
- Can I touch the baby,
on his hand not like on his dick or anything?
- You like the suckin' on that boob?
Or you like dada?
- Quite the grip.
You must jerk off a lot.
I mean why not, right?
I love babies.
I got two of my own at home.
Not ugly like this one.
- It's weird 'cause I know it's not coughing,
but it looks like it's always coughing.
- Did you gave birth to this thing or did you shit it out?
- Do you like pray at night that he'll become
more attractive someday?
- This thing looks worse than a crime scene I was just at,
and that thing was a triple homicide.
I mean this baby looks and feels like,
frankly, the holocaust.
- It's kinda thrilling getting close to something
you're so scared of.
Hi, little guy.
- His face is really fucked up.
- You know it's worse up close.
- Who is gonna get bullied?
You're gonna get bullied.
- This is like looking into the mirror at my hemorrhoids.
- You got your father's dead eyes.
- You are not gonna have a good life.
- So damn cross-eyed.
- You got a depressed baby.
- If you wanna opt out, I could give you my gun right now.
- Alright, yeah, I gotta get outta here.
This is a motherfucking freak.