Learning the rules of Settlers of Catan is overwhelming and terrifying.
- April 07, 2015
- 280k Views
Mathematician- Jon Millstein
Director- Kevin Mead
Writers- Travis Helwig & Darren Miller & Kevin Mead
Producer- Brianne Trosie
Editor- Kegan Swyers
DP- Matt Sweeney
1st AC- Jamie Jones
Gaffer- Daniella Nowitz
Key Grip- Wes Eastin
Best Boy- Yan Ramos
Production Design- Tricia Robertson
Art Direction- Corey Doyle & Wes Eastin
Sound- Nathan Whitcomb
Wardrobe- Jordy Scheinberg
Hair & Makeup- Jessica Leigh Schwartz
PA- Matt Wolf
SFX - Ian Skalski
April 07, 2015
George Basil: Ok, teach me Settlers of Catan.
Travis Helwig: You're a smart guy, it won't be hard.
Darren Miller: It's a game of trading resources. The object of the game
is to score 10 points.
> Ok, I can handle that.
> First you put the C-frames together to form the edge of the board.
Then you shuffle the terrain hexes and place them down clockwise from outside
to inside. Alphabetize the number tokens
and place them down exactly the same.
> I think I get it.
> Ok, great.
> W-what do we do with the number tokens?
> Each turn you roll the dice, and you then you add up the...
(demonic voice) shot (inaudible) and cross multiply the (inaudible) over pi.
> (demonic voice) Using the pythagorean theorem find the post modern equivalent of time.
Quickly make your way to the forest. Then do calculus.
> Wait, where's the forest?
> It depends on the shuffle. The forest is a type of terrain hex so if you settle
on it you get lumber.
Ok, I knew that. Keep going.
> Say you get this lumber card, that's just one type of resource.
Using the building cost card you can find out what resources you need to
build certain things.
> (demonic voice) Your distribution token placed on the H-4 hex must be
correlate with the (inaudible) resource inflation.
> (he speaks a foreign language)
> (demonic voice) When you approach the (inaudible) wall, you must compare the
teachings of Aristotle. (inaudible)
Quick, catch the art thieves.
> (demonic voice) You know that's not the art thieves.
> Oh, you mean the robber? He starts on the desert hex and then moves anytime
someone rolls a seven.
> Should we keep going?
> Great, let's talk victory points.
> Cool. So you get VP's by scoring a city building a settlement requiring
the largest army...
Using that army to murder your friends and neighbors.
> Rolling three 6's in a row and slitting the throat of your first born.
> Burning down a village and making love to a mountain goat.
> Digging a hole really deep.
> Kissing the unkissable, really deep.
(chants in a foreign language)
> (demonic voice) Travel the long road to Valencia, enter the rectum of Magic Mountain,
find the 7th flag, and you will earn the 10th victory point, and thus the game.
> What? None of this makes sense. This is complicated for no reason.
> There's a reason it's complicated. It makes the game more fun.
> Why do I care if I can't even understand the rules?
Why do we play these games in the first place?
This is what we are.
> It's not called sheep, it's called wool.
> Who cares! The only reason we play games is because we want a distraction
from how terrible life can really be. We want order. We need winners and losers.
We need good versus evil, but those things don't actually exist.
The only thing that exists is chaos, and then we die.
And then there's nothing.
(someone clears their throat)
> Uh-huh, I got my player to discover the nothingness of life. I win.
> Good game god.
> Thank you god.
> Should we play another game of Settlers of Earth?
> Too complicated. Let's just wipe the board and forget earth ever existed.
> Let's play Candy Land.