From Josh Gondelman's new album "Physical Whisper" available now on... more »
Published March 18, 2016 2.2k views More Info »
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181 Funny Votes
56 Die Votes
2,163 Views
Published: March 18, 2016
Transcript

Josh Gondelman: Male: I'm worried--
I'm worried about having a wedding,
Josh Gondelman: because guys are no good at
weddings. We've gotta do better.
Josh Gondelman: Every wedding I've ever been to,
all these bridesmaids give these
Josh Gondelman: sweet lovely speeches.
Josh Gondelman: They're all very similar,
but all they're all very wonderful.
Josh Gondelman: Every bridesmaid
speech is like,
Josh Gondelman: Lisa, first of all,
you are a goddess.
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: That white dress...I can't even right now.
Josh Gondelman: You are like a living
breathing Beyoncé.
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: #Flawless
#WokeUpLikeThat
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: And it is so wonderful to
be here with you while your
Josh Gondelman: childhood dreams come to life,
Josh Gondelman: just the way the Ouija board said
they would when we were 9 years old.
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: Congratulations, I love you so much.
Josh Gondelman: Then they kiss with tongue.
That's the thing that women
Josh Gondelman: do when they're friends.
There's no stigma against it.
-It's totally fine.
-[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: Every groomsman speech
I've ever witnessed may as well
Josh Gondelman: been delivered by the
grooms worse enemy on planet earth.
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: Every single dude is just like,
Josh Gondelman: Hey Matty!
Josh Gondelman: Fat Matt!
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: Dr. Shock!
Josh Gondelman: See, we call him that,
because one time in
Josh Gondelman: elementary school he
[ bleep ] his pants 'til he
Josh Gondelman: was spottin'. [ laughs ]
Josh Gondelman: Remember that? I know you do!
Josh Gondelman: The doctor's in.
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: Anyways, I never thought
you was going to be married.
Josh Gondelman: I swear to God, I never
thought you would get married.
Josh Gondelman: I always assumed,
you would've died years ago
Josh Gondelman: having sex with a
cantaloupe you had microwaved.
Josh Gondelman: That's just what was
always is going to happen.
Josh Gondelman: What? You said be honest.
I'm talking from the heart.
Josh Gondelman: Shut up Bitsy.
Let me finish.
-Anyways.
-[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: None of this even makes sense to me.
Josh Gondelman: Seriously, your chick
is way to hot for you.
Josh Gondelman: I was trying to throw it
in until I got your Save the Date.
Josh Gondelman: What? Matthew, I didn't
realize you were that serious,
Josh Gondelman: and that's a compliment,
so shut up and let me finish,
Josh Gondelman: 'cause I'm being nice.
Josh Gondelman: Can you believe this [ bleep ] guy?
-Anyways.
-[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: I don't know whether
you've got a cage or you keep this
Josh Gondelman: woman in at night, or like
some kind of financial arrangement
Josh Gondelman: that makes it difficult
for her to flee you, but--
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: --either way bro, you locked it down.
Josh Gondelman: So, congratulations. No homo.
Where the bridesmaids at?
Josh Gondelman: And that's every
groomsman's speech I've ever seen.
[ applause ]
Josh Gondelman: And every single time, I'm just like,
Josh Gondelman: that guy's the best man?
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: That's the best one you've ever met.
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: What are your other friends?
Josh Gondelman: Scarecrows full of bees?
[ audience laughter ]
Josh Gondelman: Your life has been a nightmare.
[ audience laughter ]

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