This week’s tweets already have more than enough friends.
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse— killer kike (@hiitsmolly) August 24, 2017
Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite grocery store now.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 22, 2017
I have my father's eyes and my mother's inability to parallel park.— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 19, 2017
I know it sounds dumb, but Vanilla Ice originally wanted to call the song, "Frozen Water, Frozen Water, Infant."— John Wyatt Haskell (@johnwhaskell) August 25, 2017
Heart: I just want people to like me.— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) June 11, 2017
Brain: But you say weird things.
Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny.
Why do I drive on a parkway but cry in my driveway— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) August 25, 2017
-Hi there! I'm Bill! Let me Uber you in my Subaru ha ha ha— ß¡|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) August 24, 2017
-Pull over and let me out of this fucking car right fucking now
I've been on a diet for a month and just found myself thinking of stars as "the croutons of the night".— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) August 20, 2017
They say it's not good having skeletons in your closet, but people really freak out when they're all carefully arranged at the dinner table.— Cyborg H. (@CyborgHanky) August 22, 2017
Cookie Monster is adorable & terrific but if he was real we would have to kill him, there's no escaping it— your beloved pal (@RYLANDDUNCAN) August 24, 2017
When approached by a bear make yourself look bigger by eating horribly and not exercising for 38 years. They will then leave out of pity.— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) July 27, 2017
i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 22, 2017
Warden: you ready for your last meal— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) August 24, 2017
Me: yes, I want Olive Garden
Warden: Ok are y-
Me: *holding finger up* more breadsticks please
girl at the bar: did you just wink at me?— tiny yogurt liker (@egg_dog) August 24, 2017
me: yeah i was flarting
girl: do you mean flirting?
me: yeah, but something else happened too
HOLMES: I can tell by the roughness of the victims hands that he worked down at the docks— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 23, 2017
WATSON: I was Hermione in the Harry Potter movies
*Heaven*— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) July 19, 2017
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 23, 2017
[first day in jail]— Hype Hyperson (@TheHyyyype) July 26, 2017
INMATE: what're ya in for?
ME: a serious lecture if my mom finds out about this
first date, it's going well, I try to take my shirt off real sexy but it gets stuck on my head and I walk straight into the mcflurry machine— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) August 21, 2017
I wish the twin I absorbed in the womb would stop texting me pictures of the inside of my body— Shawn (@online_shawn) August 9, 2017
"Oh my god I LOVE this song" -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 23, 2017
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today— duumb (@duumb) August 25, 2017
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Before you marry someone, you should see how they sleep on a plane first— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) August 17, 2017
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you "Well, did you look?"Or "did you look-look?"— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 22, 2017
I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth— Best Bi (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 23, 2017
Good impression of a human: ooh look at me I'm going to get angry at the news & give a dog a name & die eventually. I have music preferences— Eli Goldstone (@pauvrelapinou) August 24, 2017