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June 12, 2018

Do you have 14 minutes to spare to hear a story about a bird? 13 of the most ridiculous things from this week's 'Fear The Walking Dead' mid-season finale S04E08 "No One's Gone"

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry this is a day late. Sometimes life gets in the way of writing a zombie show recap article and I apologize and thank you for your understanding and hope you managed to just survive somehow (lmao, from the other zombie show, get it) in the meantime. I love you.

1) Madison’s Tripping

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Damn, Madison. You are dirty as hell right now. BUT WHO COULD THIS OUT OF FOCUS STRANGER YOU’RE TALKING TO POSSIBLY BE?!?

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Of course it’s Al. It was so clearly Al, I don’t know why they played the “is this Al?” game for more than zero seconds. But is this a flashback? A flash forward? A FLASH SIDEWAYS?! Pretty sure it’s a flash sideways. Also pretty sure that’s not a real thing.

2) God Damn That’s A Lot Of Zombies

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Meanwhile, back in present day … GOD DAMN THAT IS A LOT OF ZOMBIES, YO. What’s the plan here? No plan? That sounds like not a very good plan. I’m not sure I agree with Al’s assessment that one day everyone is going to want to know what happened here. Because as of today, the day I am finding out what happened here, that statement is false.

3) Morgan Doesn’t Die

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Morgan goes full “I don’t die” and just sprints out into a field of brain munchers. Then he runs into a room, farts, and it explodes. I take it back, this plan is amazing.

4) Alicia’s Raiding The Gift Shop

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You better hurry, Morgan! They are raiding the gift shop for bubbleheads and souvenir tiny bats! What’s the point of those tiny bats? Do you put it on a desk? Seriously, what the fuck is the point of those tiny bats, I don’t get it.

5) Baseball Stadium Shootout Jamboree

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I just …. I don’t care about this baseball stadium shootout jamboree. Is that bad? Here’s the problem: There is SO much going on right now. You’ve got Al literally doing Morgan’s “this is not gonna go your way” exact verbatim dialogue. Then Morgan is doing stick karate in the dark. Alicia is trying to walkie talkie bargain, a cowboy we met three minutes ago is dying to death and a baseball stadium is full of a thousand charred zombies and bullets are flying constantly. I CANNOT CARE ABOUT ALL OF IT, SO I CARE ABOUT NONE OF IT. But before I can really process that outcome, they shoot a missile at the big gun truck and I care about that because missile + big gun truck is cool. That’s just a constant fact in the universe.

6) Al’s Casting Couch

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I’m beginning to suspect Al is just making very niche post-apocalyptic porn for weirdos who get off to hearing someone ask vague and inconclusive questions that lead to boring stories.

7) The Oldest Trick In The Book

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Alicia almost had them duped … but she fell for the Ol’ Wounded Cowboy Secretly Broadcasting Your Private Convo trick. That’s the oldest trick in the book of Ol’ Wounded Cowboy Tricks, ya dumb dumb.

8) Alicia The Angry Noodle Detective

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I have never seen someone get so angry, scared, hurt, and leap into dot-connecting mode over a pack of ramen noodles since my college roommate Steve. I FUCKING TOLD YOU, STEVE. I DID NOT EAT YOUR NOODLES!!! PLEASE STOP CALLING MY CELL PHONE AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT TO ACCUSE ME OF THIS ACT, JUST ACCEPT THAT YOU WERE PROBABLY HIGH AND ATE YOUR NOODLES AND FORGOT ABOUT THEM OR MISCOUNTED YOUR NOODLES I DO NOT KNOW WHY WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO, STEVE. Alright, I admit it, I ate the noodles. Wow, feels good to finally come clean!

9) Madison’s Story Is For The Birds

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I love how in the middle of Madison’s bird story Al looks up like, “Hmm, maybe this isn’t worth the tape and I should just pretend to film.” Amina? I mean, uhhhh, this story sucks. BOOOOO. NEXT STORY PLEASE! How about you tell the one that isn’t about a bird in a box being fed slowly over time.

10) Morgan’s Pep Talk

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Morgan tries to talk Alicia down by recapping that time he power jogged his ass across the country from one bad show to another. Next season he’s running all the way to Hawaii which will still make more sense than what happened here. Who is this Dr. Morgan character suddenly bringing families together? Hard pass! Give me crazy Morgan who showed up out of nowhere doing woods karate and killing people. That guy was my shit.

11) Mother Trucker

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Madison found her kids after Al! I mean after all. I mean after Al. But Nick is there so that means this was a ….

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FLASH SIDEWAYS. GOD DAMMIT THAT’S A THING NOW. And now Alicia says she’s going to tel Al the rest of her mom’s story, which if she means the next twelve chapters of the Bird Saga that sounds like a threat.

12) It’s June

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June! HER NAME IS JUNE! As in the month we are presently in. So just to be clear, the writers are just looking up and staring at their calendar now to come up with major plot points for character development. Also a single syllable name counts as a major plot point for character development.

13) The Final Flashback

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Here it is. The final flashback of the half season. We finally fucking did it. And they’re really going out on a bang! Flashing back from multiple perspectives and doing it all through these weird slow motion shots and various camcorder interviews? Oh, god. Oh, no. This. This is. Oh no. Not good. Look, I’ve ragged a lot on this atypical story structure this season and it’s not because it’s different (different can be good) it’s just bad. They could’ve experimented with some flashing back but EVERY FUCKING EPISODE is this herky jerk forward back forward back mess that doesn’t let you really get invested in anything and it kinda deflates the stakes because we pretty much always know how it all shakes out. It’s just … what’s the word I’m looking for? Bad. Not good. It’s bad.

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So we learn here that Madison is dead (shocker) because her Baseball Summer Camp campers ran for their lives, and got killed, so she lead a conga line back to the stadium and sacrificed herself to make some extra crispy walkers, but only after a very short and bad final podcast for her children, the end. Did I say the end? I meant ALMOST the end … because first we have to eat noodles to music what the fuck is this show. TUNE IN FOR THE MID-SEASON PREMIERE! Will we have to deal with more flashbacks? If we are, I swear to god, I’m done with this show after like 47 more episodes. What’s next for the gang? They’re going to pivot and become a hospital drama with no zombies next season. It will be a jump that’s still not as dramatic as what happened between season 3 and 4. But did Madison REALLY die? Of course not, you fool. She’s hiding under a dumpster filled with tiny bats. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! On the season four mid-season premiere of Fear The Walking Dead.