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February 24, 2017
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Meryl Streep shows up in full Deadpool costume to protest its snub.

1. Winners who speak too long are played off by recordings of their own most infamous meltdowns.
2. Instead of black tie, everyone dresses up like their favorite animal.
3. To show there are no hard feelings, Jeff Bridges does a full song and dance medley from La La Land.
4. New on the red carpet this year: obstacles.
5. For all categories, they add a non La La Land Division.
6. Everyone gets up and walks out when La La Land even wins for Best Fences.
7. Surprise category: Best Affleck.
8. Surprise result: Best Affleck goes to Denzel.
9. Fewer awards. More pranks.
10. One really vocal Suicide Squad fan seated in the front row.
11. One really vocal Donald Trump fan seated in the front row.
12. Somebody sneaks in and replaces the In Memoriam music with something by the Venga Boys.
13. Meryl Streep shows up in full Deadpool costume to protest its snub.
14. Best acting: tough competition. Most acting: no competition, Samuel L Jackson.
15. Mel Gibson wears the Braveheart facepaint.
16. If Mel Gibson does win, the presenters stomp a glass and everyone shouts “Mazel tov.”
17. In an attempt to just own it, Trump shows up and sits on a dais.
18. In an attempt to just own it, Trump shows up and sits in a dunk tank.
19. A special award is given to any actor present who managed to avoid being in a Marvel movie.
20. Taraji Henson takes home Most Memorable Middle Initial.
21. Biggest upset: Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor after it’s revealed he’s been playing Vin Diesel all along.
22. Manchester by the Sea doesn’t even win Saddest Movie because they fear it would make the film too uplifting.
23. Bud from Air Bud finally gets a lifetime achievement award.
24. Someone gives an impassioned speech in support of Trump because secretly they just like to start shit.
25. Michael Shannon doesn’t win at first, but then the other guy gives him the award in exchange for Shannon to stop looking at him like that.
26. Viggo Mortensen begs someone to tell him what movie he was in last year.
27. Robert De Niro awkwardly shows up and asks if someone is having a party.
28. Justin Timberlake may sing the song from Trolls, but it is Cee Lo who steals the show by arriving shirtless with a gemstone in his belly.
29. It’s not mandatory to take a hit from the helium tank on the way up to receive your award, but it’s highly encouraged.
30. Denzel Washington brings a box full of mischievous puppies.
31. Meryl Streep rides in on a fearsome but well behaved white tiger.
32. Amy Adams’ date is an actual alien she met on set.
33. Dev Patel is given a paintball gun to shoot anyone who calls him Slumdog.
34. Roberto Benigni is there, and he spends most of the show walking around on the seatbacks nudging audience members and whispering, “Remember?”
35. Emma Stone is interrupted mid-speech by Lindsay Lohan, who curses Stone’s first-born to prick her finger on a spinning wheel someday.
36. Trump spends most of the show tweeting for help finding the right channel.
37. OJ Simpson is given a special release to come and accept the award on behalf of the documentary about him, and most people agree, he kills.
38. Jimmy Kimmel invites that dentist who shot the lion on stage and gives him a hug.
39. Throughout the show, the cast of Hidden Figures keeps jumping out of different hiding places and yelling “Hidden Figures!”
40. A huge brawl breaks out across the entire auditorium, which most people say started when Gosling started whistling “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” at Patel.
41. Patel and Gosling settle it like men: through a dance-off.
42. At one point, a terrorist tries to take all our beloved Hollywood actors hostage, but then The Rock bursts out from inside one of the giant Oscar statuettes and puts an end to that.
43. Best Animated Short goes to Tom Cruise.
44. Lin-Manuel Miranda does not win the Oscar, yet he still manages to pull off the EGOT after the IOC awards him a belated Olympic Gold Medal for best musical.
45. At least one hour is on ice.
46. Let’s see those accountants dance!
47. We find out Billy Crystal has been wearing a mask and skulking beneath the theater for years.
48. Casey Affleck reveals he’s from Texas and has never even been to Massachusetts.
49. Michelle Williams’s red carpet interview gets an early nomination for next year’s Oscars.
50. A trap door that opens beneath any speaker who thanks more than 3 people.

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