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April 11, 2016
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All aboard! Strand is the captain now. 13 of the most ridiculous things from last night's S02E01 premiere of 'Fear The Walking Dead' "Monster"

1) What The Fuck Is Going On Right Now?

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Aaaaaaaaaand WE. ARE. BACK! What the fuck is going on right now, you guys? Why is Malibu on fire? Who are all these people, again? Is our heroin-hungry hero STILL wearing some dead guy’s clothes that don’t fit at all? And they’re literally using sticks and stones to break these zombies’ bones? We are really sprinting out of the gate in season 2!

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Someone should’ve done this to Los Angeles a long time ago. We more than earned it in the ’80s.

Oh, riiiight. The military was going to bomb the city. Now they’re bombing the city. Cool, glad we cleared that up. Still have no idea what most of these people’s names are but that’s par for the course around here! Let’s just haul this lady’s corpse on to a boat. Anybody else think that was cute? These characters are so cute! Counting the number of zombie kills they have and hauling corpses around. These characters are adorable, it’s going to be fun watching them die in the next three to four days tops.

2) Best Kill Of The Season So Far

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Think we can all agree that seeing a zombie catch a boat motor to the face around the four-minute mark has been the coolest and most satisfying kill of the season so far. More conflicts on this show should be resolved with a boat motor between the eyes! Please start with the annoying dumb teenager constantly making moves to compromise the group. Take your pick! They’re both terrible.

3) This Boat Looks Different

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As previously stated, I never claimed to have attended any fancy boat college or CGI yacht university. Still, I couldn’t help but notice that the boat from the season finale looks A LOT DIFFERENT from the vessel they’re currently aboard.

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“We’ll fix it in zombie post.”

Probably because the boat from the season finale was the worst CGI boat in the history of both CGI and also boats. This is that time they replaced Aunt Viv on Fresh Prince all over again! They think we won’t notice; we always notice. I never trusted second Aunt Viv. It’s been almost a quarter of a century and I’m still carrying it around. I’ll never forget about you, original Aunt Viv.

4) Oh God, Not A Dad Protecting His Son Again

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Oh no. NOOOO. Not the show where a dad endlessly talks about protecting his son during a zombie apocalypse. I’ve seen this show! I’m watching it right now, actually. It’s on the same exact channel at the same time, just during different parts of the year. It’s an OK show that I enjoy but please do different things on this show because I watch both these shows! Would it kill Hollywood, JUST FOR ZOMBIE ONCE, to show a dad ready to bail on his son entirely and move into a condominium complex in Burbank? Because I’ve lived in L.A. my whole life and I assure you that is way more in line with what happens here.

5) Maybe Don’t Talk To Strangers

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I used to talk to strangers all the time back in the day in AOL chat rooms (source: I am 28 years old and was stupid as a child as has been previously covered in several of these recaps) and it’s amazing I never got abducted. What the actual fuck was I doing? Now it’s the zombie apocalypse and youths are still finding ways to talk to sketchy strangers just because of some dumb shit they have in common like a shared interest in a very popular song (CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW MUCH $$$ AMC HAD TO SPEND ON LICENSING A BOWIE SONG AND WHY WAS THAT $$$ NOT SPENT ON A MORE SATISFYING THE WALKING DEAD FINALE/BETTER CGI BOATS) and access to relatively basic-bitch technology. Anyway, I have a great feeling about this. Nothing could possibly go wrong and it’s the start of what will be a very healthy relationship with no terrible consequences.

6) The Bat Beating Fans Demanded

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Better late than never! AMC got all of our angry letters (and blog posts) and finally gave the fans what they demanded: A main character getting beaten to death with a bat! Eel was a great character (bold, compelling, and also dynamic) but Eel’s developmental arc has been wrapped up for ages now and the only inevitable conclusion was meeting its fate at the business end of— wait. Oh, GOD DAMMIT. Lucille. Loose eel. LUCILLE. LOOSE EEL.

I swear on everything, they keep pulling shit like this eight or nine more times and I’m going to find something else to watch on Sundays.

7) Seriously, Who Is This Girl Again?

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Seriously, who is this girl again? I had to go back to my recaps from last season to see that by the finale I finally knew enough about her to call her Daughter Lady, but seeing her on this boat last night honestly felt like the first time I’d ever seen her in my life. Anyway, it’s pretty clear that Nick is trying to hook up with Daughter Lady. Nick’s not fooling anyone with the old “Let me change the bandage near your tits” routine! And I think he has a pretty good chance, too! You know, because they’re out on a boat in the middle of nowhere. And the implication.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia is one of my favorite shows and this show should do It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia stuff more often!

8) Putting The “Fun” Back In Funeral

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Uh, kid. If you’re trying to show everyone how much you loved your mom, you are not doing a great job by body slamming her corpse into the Pacific Ocean. You’re just making this about you, dude! Grow up! And then you’re going to punch your dad?

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“I’m sorry you have that haircut. It’s not your fault. All these shows have kids with annoying haircuts. It’s kind of a thing on this network.”

But way more importantly, how many bedrooms are on this yacht? It seems like everyone has two of their own bedrooms and some of those bedrooms have smaller bedrooms inside them. How much concurrent closed-door sex was Strand trying to facilitate on this boat before the apocalypse? No wonder he’s been so friendly and helpful. Dude is clearly a homie of the highest echelon. Most homies would have one, maybe two, bedrooms on their yacht for sex. Not Strand. Everybody is fucking (or at least given the option to masturbate) and everybody gets a door that locks. That’s called being a good host.

9) Strand Is The Captain Now

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These folks should really listen to Strand. He’s making a ton of great points, mostly the one about how this is his boat and also everyone is dangerous. Shut the heck up about picking up 30 people on a floating piece of cardboard or three (probably more like 35) strangers you met on the radio internet. Strand has the right idea about everything and everyone should listen to him! Is Strand new Rick? Is Salazar the new Daryl? Why does everyone feel the need to make these comparisons? I don’t have the answers, I’m just trying to get through this Monday like anyone else. Let’s keep it moving, I haven’t checked my work email since Thursday afternoon and I’m scared what’s waiting for me.

10) Being A Heroin Addict Doesn’t Make You Qualified To Do Anything But Be A Heroin Addict

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While I appreciate the underlying sentiments in Strand’s pep talk, I’m going to have to disagree. Being a heroin addict doesn’t make you qualified to do anything other than be a heroin addict. It’s not like Nick was fearless for any other reason than he wanted to do heroin. My old roommate’s dog wasn’t humble because he spent 80% of the day with his dog dick in his mouth. That’s just a thing he genuinely seemed to enjoy doing.

11) They’re Living Better Than Me

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I had Trader Joe’s spaghetti with Trader Joe’s spaghetti sauce and a side of Trader Joe’s peas for dinner last night. I’m a free man living in a non-zombie world and that’s the nicest meal I’ve made myself in months. These people are trapped on a boat in the zombie apocalypse and it bummed me out to no end to see how much better they’re living than me. Like damn, can I join? Fresh eel, what appears to be a rice pilaf, and liquor being poured out of a glass liquor container and not just directly from the bottle of liquor that was also purchased at Trader Joe’s? Sign me up! Even with the zombies this is such an upgrade from my day to day, I can’t even tell you.

12) Loose Lips Sink Ships

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Great job giving away your position, Alicia! (I hate that I am gradually learning names of these characters.) Way to put everyone’s shit in jeopardy just because you found another human being who likes David Bowie. A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE BOWIE. Probably someone on your boat. All of this could’ve been resolved before it started with a simple, “Who likes Bowie on this boat?” feeler and you could all be talking about Bowie right now instead of anxiously awaiting the arrival of this group who I assure you will try to kill everyone and take all your shit. The kids on this show might be the worst kids in the history of kids on AMC. Congratulations, Carl! You have now been promoted to second worst. What an honor that must be.

13) Perfectly Reasonable Time To Go For A Swim

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Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. THIS SCENE. THIS GOSH DARN SCENE. First things first, any moody teenagers who want to jump off this boat should be encouraged to do so. Later! You suck and will certainly not be missed. But does Nick really need to jump in after him?

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“Don’t mind me, just trying to clean the clothes I’ve been wearing for a week and a half straight.”

Uh, glad your comically oversized jacket can also be used as a flotation device. And just when you thought it was safe to go in the water…

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WE ARE … THE FLOATING DEAD! Then once it’s established how dangerous the water is on account of zombies, Hero Dad decides to jump right in. How does anyone think any of this is helping? Pretty sure you’re creating more problems than you’re solving with the “everybody jump in the zombie waters” strategy.

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“I was going to eat you but LOL, NVM.”

Nick, why are you exploring a bullet-riddled vessel? Why do you think this yacht log will be helpful to anyone? Do you think maybe there’s heroin in there? And why did that zombie just change his mind about eating Nick? I hated everything about this scene. But that doesn’t mean I won’t tune in next week! What will these moody teens do next to put everyone’s life in danger? Probably lots of stuff. Will Strand and Salazar finally realize everyone else is dead weight and dump them overboard in their sleep? Let’s hope so. Who else on this ship likes David Bowie? Most likely everyone, David Bowie’s music is fantastic and Labyrinth is still a classic 30 years later. None of this and more on S02E02 of Fear The Walking Dead!

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