1) Sasha’s Dagger Pilates Class
Guys, we need to be ready to defeat Negan and his powerful army so let’s gather in the garden and wave knives around while standing as close together as possible. Anyone who can’t report to Dagger Pilates, please draw in the dark or eat some peanut butter. Everyone needs to do their part!
2) The Blink And You Missed It Reveal That Jesus Is Gay
Just want to be super 100% clear that there’s nothing ridiculous about a character on this show being gay. And I guess every straight character doesn’t have to have this big revealing moment that they’re straight, so maybe this is one of those times where I’m being overly nitpicky (everything I write falls into that category, btw), but the way they revealed this felt like kind of a weird throwaway moment. I almost didn’t mention it at all, but I know if I didn’t then I’d have to read many comments (I read every single comment) about “WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION IT?!?” so here it is, I’m mentioning it. Blink and you’ll miss me mentioning the blink and you missed it moment where Jesus reveals he’s gay!
3) Sasha’s Book Full Of Bullets
I’m glad they’re continuing this show’s rich history of hiding weapons inside of books. Fun fact about books: You can also read them when you don’t cut massive chunks out of the middle. Great way to pass the time in the apocalypse! Fun fact about bullets: You can use them to kill your enemies! Great strategy when you have enemies and also bullets. Someone should let the characters on this show know about this potentially helpful info.
4) Is Enid Really The Best Person To Handle This Pressure And What The Fuck Is This Shitty Bracelet For The Baby
Look, I was impressed when I saw Enid chuck a knife into a tree stump. Great stuff, really good chucking. But do you really think she’s the optimal candidate to be entrusted with keeping Maggie alive? Seems like a lot of pressure for a person whose previous accolades include Best Woods Moper and Most Likely To Be Locked In A Pantry.
What the FUCK was this “gift” for the baby? A half-finished bracelet made of dirty string? How much time have you invested in the bracelet project, Sasha? Three goddamn minutes? It would be easier to finish the bracelet than carry this bullshit around. You know what, I’d love to chat more but the saviors are coming! Everyone be cool and bang something loud then run around slamming doors and screaming.
5) Sasha Built A Tunnel Straight To The Middle Of The Woods
When did Sasha build this tunnel? I did not go to any fancy Tunnel Academy (shocking, I’m sure) but I’m pretty sure tunnels take time and energy to build. If Sasha’s tunnel is anything like her baby bracelet, she put half a shovel in the ground once then moved on with her life.
6) Necklace Drama
I’m glad they finally mentioned gasoline and needing it (because honestly how the shit is everyone still driving cargo trucks of solo cantaloupes around the countryside all the livelong day) but let’s focus on what’s really important: Being petty about a necklace. EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IS SO PETTY ABOUT EVERYTHING. If they invested half of the energy they put into pickles and cat statues towards literally anything else at all they would be lightyears ahead of the mess they are in. Also, I get it Rosita. You’re not on this show to make friends! But how are you going to to act like Sasha’s not already your bestie when you synchronize head stab zombies together!
I’ve heard when women live together their zombie head stabs synch up. The human body is full of wonders and mysteries.
7) Your Brother Died, Can I Interest You In Some Gelato?
Trevor Simon tells Doctor Man about his brother’s death in perhaps the least tactful way possible (making faces), he softens the news by informing him his new office has GELATO! You hear that, doc! GELATO! It’s like ice cream but fancier! That should smooth everything over. No hard feelings, just some pals with chilly chompers munchin’ on ‘lato.
8) Giant Box Full Of Aspirin Is My New Favorite Character
So bold. So compelling. So dynamic. Just be glad a burnt doctor didn’t tumble out of that box.
9) Anytime You Have To Specify No Shenanigans Afoot, There Will Most Certainly Be Shenanigans Afoot
Chekhov’s Shenanigans clearly states that anytime you introduce shenanigans, even when SPECIFICALLY REQUESTING NO SHENANIGANS, there will MOST CERTAINLY be shenanigans. Hey, remember Super Troopers?
Super Troopers is a really good movie! This show should do Super Troopers shenanigans more often.
10) Maggie Saying It Wasn’t Daryl’s Fault That Glenn Died When It Was 100% Daryl’s Fault That Glenn Died
There are three sides of every conflict: One person’s side, the other person’s side, and what REALLY happened. But there’s a hundred sides of Glenn’s head and they’re all over the forest because Daryl spazzed out when Negan cautioned him against spazzing and the consequences that would ensue. It’s pretty cut and dry, just like the many shattered fragments of Glenn’s skull.
11) Eugene Carrying Grimbly Gunk Around Is So Cute
I love that Eugene is still carrying Grimbly Gunk around, especially while barking orders at people he just met both in person and via walkie talke. Pretty much the ultimate flex move. I’m going to put a big stuffed animal in my front pocket and start yelling at my co-workers until I get a raise. Will let you know how it goes.
12) Rosita’s Process Of Banging Random Dudes To Acquire Knowledge On How To Tie Various Knots
Damn, Rosita. SAVAGE. She’s got a whole system!
I’m just glad Rosita’s story about randoms she boned, and the rope skills she picked up along the way, finally helped her and Sasha heal wounds their wounds and get on with their awful plan.
13) Sasha Totally Could’ve Killed Negan
Sasha totally could’ve killed Negan here. Yes, she may have killed one or two other saviors in the process but they murdered like 40 of them in their sleep so who cares? I’m not an expert on shooting people to death, but I’m still aware you need to actually fire a bullet if you want it to leave your gun and enter your opponent’s head.
14) Gregory’s Quarterly Review Of Jesus
Gregory really is the worst at everything. How did he manage to stay in charge for so long? You won’t get anywhere in life being a paranoid, threatening, dickhole unless you want to have a high-paying job in the entertainment industry or maybe be president.
15) Sasha’s Perfect Plan
Sasha taking a play from the Rick Grimes playbook of great ideas and mumbling some nonsense before running off to very likely get multiple people killed. And the bomb solving music is BACK! I would love to be the guy who picks the music for season 7, it seems like the easiest job in the world. “Do you want the bomb solving music or shitty Nine Inch Nails? Because that’s all I’ve got back here. Music for when you’re solving a bomb or like a shitty, bottom shelf generic bag of cereal, bootleg version of Nine Inch Nails. The script says you’re setting a car on fire this scene, I think shitty Nine Inch Nails is what you’re looking for.” BUT WHO WAS THE MYSTERY SHADOW GUY WITH THE CROSSBOW?!?
The answer is obvious: Tabitha the goat is back and she’s got a crossbow so WATCH OUT MOTHER BITCHES because Tabitha is not playing games in season 7. I hear she’s going to get her own spinoff show after she wraps up her arc (comic readers know what I’m talking about) in season 37. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Sasha’s plan of jogging around the compound result in her killing Negan? Yes, then we’re going to spend the season finale episode partying at hilltop for 90 minutes. Carol is making cookies out of apple cores and rocks! Will Daryl cry again? He’s cried so much this season, so I don’t see why not. NOBODY TELL DARYL THE END OF MARLEY AND ME, HE’LL BE A FUCKING WRECK. Did I enjoy finally seeing Get Out last night at 6PM? Yes! Get Out is a really great movie and I finally saw it last night and I’m just using this space to let you know that you should also go see Get Out because it’s a really good movie. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E15 of The Walking Dead!