You are a sitting president who has engaged in treason, bribery, or high crimes and misdemeanors, and now members of congress are calling for your impeachment! Being removed from office can be a scary process, but dealing with the unknown can be even scarier. This handy guide will give you all the information you need to navigate your impeachment journey.
Conception Misconceptions: Obstruction Instruction
You may be thinking, “I can’t be impeached - I used protection by maintaining plausible deniability into all of my underlings’ and son-in-laws’ misdeeds!” That may be so, but did you then interfere with the investigation into those misdeeds? If so, you can be impeached for obstruction of justice, a crime in and of itself, whether or not any of the underlying crimes can be proven. Oops!
Your Growing Impeachment
An impeachment takes time to grow, but yours might develop more rapidly than others due to a healthy diet of leaks and false public statements. Based on time periods of about 100 days, or 3 months, you can expect:
First Trimester: Your impeachment will grow up to several column inches in major newspapers.
Second Trimester: Your impeachment will be large enough to see on Fox News and will start showing in how you shield yourself from certain former close aides
Third Trimester: Your impeachment grows big enough to swallow the entire country in an irreparably damaging constitutional crisis.
What to Expect: Your Changing Body Politic
First Trimester: morning sickness induced by last night’s breaking new; fatigue from a constant state of damage control and narrative push back
Second Trimester: your stomach significantly grows as you begin eating your feelings; your base begins to shrink
Third Trimester: your feet may swell with incompetence and you may require a golf cart to get around; your administration slips into an uncontrollable tailspin; country begins tearing itself apart
Naming Your Impeachment
Whatever you do, don’t let the Lamestream Media name YOUR impeachment. Popular impeachment names include:
- Witch Hunt
- Fake News
Miscarriage (of Justice)
Even if law enforcement agencies and/or Special Counsel uncover healthy impeachment-worthy crimes, the House then the Senate must vote to impeach you. So the more your party controls congress the greater the risk they will put party before country, your impeachment fails, and there is a miscarriage of justice.
Mid Term Abortion
Your presidency, your choice: you can resign whenever you want, aborting the impeachment and saving everyone the trouble.
Whether you resign or are actually impeached, your former Vice President will likely pardon you of any crimes you committed. So hooray you’re not going to jail! But now you have all this time on your hands and it’s easy to fall into a post-pardon depression if you stop to think of all the pain and damage you’ve caused. Try to stay busy by working on your memoirs, or more likely continuing to send divisive tweets attacking your many enemies.