This week’s tweets are best served piled high atop a Tweet Lover’s Pizza.
Why do I feel like shit whenever I eat pizza? Am I not eating enough pizzas— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) June 10, 2017
A rabbit is just a fuckin’, some kind of fuckin’, long-eared, whatever, you guys probably know what a rabbit is— REW (@therealeatwood) June 18, 2017
Jared Kushner looks like one of the students who didn't stand on their desk at the end of Dead Poet's Society— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 20, 2017
I wonder if any celebrities get constantly told they look like a specific normal person— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) June 20, 2017
Magician: Think of card.— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) June 18, 2017
Me: Got one.
Magician: It's the 3 of hearts.
Me: No. A father's day card because-
Magician: Please leave the stage.
Arugula is my favorite vegetable who's name also sounds like an old timey car horn.— Future Ghost (@subtle_pretext) June 13, 2017
Money needs to be like UNO: $1-9 bills, a wild bill that can be any amount and a dollar that can stop someone from buyin something u want— mister person (@hippieswordfish) June 14, 2017
Next time I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 16, 2017
you could have just.... not written a tagline pic.twitter.com/Mpzgnl5ZSf— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) June 20, 2017
My last will and testament just reads, "Damn it kids! I told you not to let me forget to get this done."— Darlin' Darla (@Darlainky) June 20, 2017
How many movies are actually kung-fu movies, but we don't know it because the characters never have to use it?— Ray (@SirEviscerate) June 21, 2017
Spelling Bee— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) June 18, 2017
Judge: Your word is 'cliffhanger'
[to be continued]
You can tell a lot by a guy's teeth.— RoxanneShmoxanne (@IvoryGazelle) May 26, 2017
For instance, if they're three feet long, that's no man; that's a hippo.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) June 20, 2017
Jazz: When All Of The Instruments Cum On Each Other— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 15, 2017
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant— Abam Droud (@AdamBroud) June 16, 2017
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
i just wanna get HIGH— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) June 17, 2017
H- have respect for women
I- inform peers about social issues
G- get high
H- help save the whales
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 19, 2017
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
REPORTER: how do you know his true identity?— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) June 20, 2017
ME: i called peter parker a 'fucking square' and 20 minutes later spider-man kicked my head in
Fact! This is what they called boobs in the 1920s! pic.twitter.com/6wxlN4Flld— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) June 19, 2017
I know divorce is hard, Darren. Almost as hard as drawing hands. But I'll tell you what helped me the most. Make everyone holding swords.— vladchoc (@vladchoc) June 17, 2017
Ever see a random shoe in the road? My grandpa invented that. One day he took of his shoe, put it in the road and said "this is a thing now"— Ygrene (@Ygrene) April 9, 2017
my nephew is sick and we are raising $5000 so i can backpack across europe, too depressing to stay here next to this sick kid— derek (@eedrk) June 2, 2017
My personality mainly consists of the different ways I like to eat potatoes— Ash (@adult_mom) June 19, 2017
I gave my dad Axe body spray for Father's day last year and now I have like 6 new moms— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) June 17, 2017
My sex life is like a 1997 Honda Civic. I had one briefly in 2009. I got it on Craigslist for $250— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 21, 2017
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.— madds (@whatmaddness) June 15, 2017