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March 17, 2015
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Dubstep is still alive and well in the zombie apocalypse. Nine of the most ridiculous things from this week's episode of The Walking Dead: S05E14 "Spend"

1) I Forgot Father Gabriel Was On This Show

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Hi, Father Gabriel! Welcome back to the show! I forgot you were a cast member because you completely disappeared for two entire episodes. Nice of you to join us again, enjoy this delicious plate of strawberries!

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\#blessed

Hmm. Not a fan of strawberries? Well, just go ahead and rip all the pages out of this Bible because that’s a normal and appropriate response.

2) The Walking Dubstep

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We’re just as confused as you are, Noah.

“Great, another mix!” Words that will live on forever as being super dumb. How many mixes do these guys have? Are they all dubstep all the time? Aux cord privileges revoked!

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“This isn’t helping, maybe I should try covering my ears.”

And I liked the way the lyrics said, “Now you’re going to die,” (great song choice for the supply run mix) right as they focused on Noah. Foreshadowing so subtle you might miss it if you’re not paying attention! Nuanced TV, you guys! We’re really doing it. Just kidding, this scene felt like it was written by a monkey slapping his dick on a broken typewriter.

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Eugene was awesome driving the dubstep van, though. That was very good. Him driving that dirty van was basically perfect and I hope he drives it every episode for the rest of the show.

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“Follow me to the Sahara Tent!”

Hey, remember when Breaking Bad had a Knife Party song in season five?

Breaking Bad was a really good show. They should do stuff from Breaking Bad more often.

3) Standing Up There Is Obviously Dumb

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I don’t have a PHD in being a lookout, and I never claimed to go to tractor college, but standing on that thing was obviously a bad idea. Precarious is an understatement. Best case scenario, you see a million zombies coming your way and get scared and fall backwards.

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Zero days since an accident on the construction site.

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“I guess my big mistake was aiming my gun at the tractor and firing bullets.”

And her friends just completely abandon her instantly! These nice people from this nice town are sure a bunch of cowardly jerks. I wonder how this all turns out for them? Probably great. Probably another party tonight, dying to know if there’s an update on the pasta maker.

4) “Mother Dick”

“Mother dick.” You know, that thing people say all the time. It was painfully apparent that the original line was “motherfuck” or “motherfucker” from looking at Abraham’s mouth. Why not just cut the audio when he says it? Way more effective. What do I know, maybe it was the network’s call. Hey, remember when Breaking Bad said, “fuck,” and cut the audio on the same network?

Breaking Bad is a much better show. They should really do things more like Breaking Bad.

5) Best Friends For Never

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If you want to be friends with a guy who obviously fully hates you and is working on fucking your wife, my best advice would be get way up in his personal space and be a smarmy asshole.

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“It’s always Miller Time somewhere!”

And he’s just drinking beers in the middle of the day by himself casting dark vibes? I wonder if he’s an abusive alcoholic! The foreshadowing is so subtle! Like a subtle brick being subtly thrown through your subtle windshield. Plus, definitely offer to give a physical exam to your sworn enemy’s child in this situation. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that you want to lay hands on his son’s balls.

6) Everybody Eats Chris

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“Still better than listening to dubstep.”

Chris! I mean Noah! But seriously, he’ll always be Chris. Sorry to see you go, but MAN what a way to go! Didn’t think anyone was going to top Aiden’s gruesome death this season but then Noah steps up and just crushes it with what was probably the grossest thing I’ve ever seen on TV.

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“Okay! I take it back! This is now worse than the dubstep.”

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“Maybe this will scare my face into growing a real mustache.”

And Glenn watches all of it? Glenn, I don’t know what to say here. You did not have to look right into the fiery pits of face ripping hell. Change the channel! Go to your happy place! Or not. I’m not your boss, do what you need to do, bud. Sorry for your insanely disgusting loss.

7) Carol REALLY Loves Chocolate

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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“Hey, kid. I know you’re bored because the Wi-Fi is down at your house, so you decided to hide in my closet, but just go steal a chocolate bar for another batch of hush cookies and make sure you grab a bonus persie bar for me while you’re at it. I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL IF YOU FAIL.” All this chocolate thievery will be her undoing. How good could this chocolate possibly be? Don’t spill any of your ill-gotten chocolate bars on your many stylish sweaters, Carol! Those stains will be tough to get out and I don’t think the local moms will be much help in the way of laundry tips when they find out you’re threatening to kill children.

8) Glenn Should’ve Left That Dude

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First, good job Glenn on punching that guy in the face because you had a problem with him. You are now two for two in the face punching department. Lots of great face punching going on in season five, let’s keep it up because it’s the only non-Eugene-driving-a-dubstep-van thing that’s really firing on all cylinders.

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“Great, another mix…of my knuckles crushing a face.”

But why didn’t Glenn just leave that guy there? Seriously, fuck that guy. Shoot him right in his dick and ankles and just leave him there to rot. This guy is bad news. I carefully deduced this when I noticed he left two people to die in a timespan of three minutes.

9) Snitcher Gabriel

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I must’ve missed the part in the Bible where Jesus narc’d on his team. Dude. STOP. SNITCHING. Yes, Rick has done some unspeakable things (you’re speaking about them btw, so maybe “unspeakable” is an unspeakably inappropriate word choice) and the worst of them was letting your ass come along! Rick is going to be worn out from all the murdering and adultery he’s about to do in his community. Bet they sure are glad they let our merry group in!

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