1) Ezekiel’s Morning Routine
Imagine how obnoxious you have to be as a human being if your day starts by putting a red feather in your hair and that doesn’t even crack the top 10 list of most annoying shit you do.
2) Hooray! Another Ezekiel Speech!
Ezekiel delivers another one of his awful speeches about the weather and smiling that nobody asked for. And, contrary to what the show runners may believe, slowly zooming on his face does not make the speech any better. I didn’t know it was possible, but it somehow makes it worse. At least Ezekiel understands that they need to kill all these bad people, an email Jesus seems to have missed. Alright, group hug everybody! I’ve got a great feeling about this.
3) Ezekiel Lost A Bunch Of His Ranks
Oh no! Looks like King Zeke lost some of his ranks. Think he lost all of his ranks! Who knew that kneepads and flowers don’t stop high caliber bullets? One of these guys only has two huge holes in his back, better flip him over just to double check. Not so smiley now, are you, Zeke? Anyone can smile with a tiger by your side. The real test is being able to smile when you’re scooting your ass away from a couple dozen of your undead friends.
4) Never Fear, Carol’s Here
Nice knowing you, nameless dudes loading up guns! Carol is in the building and she makes Liam Neeson look like a cocker spaniel on Xanax. I wonder how she’s going to murder these men?
Huh. I did not guess she’d be hiding out in the ceiling and apparently neither did they.
5) Creepy Sex Offender Guy Out Of Nowhere
Wow! This guy sure does look like a creepy sex offender. It’s like one of those high school movies where the nerdy girl takes off her glasses and instantly she’s hot, only this guy puts on his glasses and instanty looks like the kind of man who will kill you and have sex with your corpse on a pile of finger nail clippings while listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack.
6) Creepy Sex Offender Guy’s March Of Shit Talking
This doesn’t seem like the most opportune moment to slowly march through a field talking shit. Creepy sex offender guy is showing ZERO hustle at a time when he should be showing at least a moderate amount of hustle. You know, considering the wall of zombies behind them and the unaccounted for tiger on the loose. But I do have to give him credit, “You got them all killed and they’re still following you!” was a pretty sick burn. Nice one, creepy sex offender guy!
7) Carol Got Out-Caroled
Carol passed up a perfect opportunity to shoot these dudes and got out-caroled by some guys I’m shocked she didn’t know were hiding behind a car with assault rifles. Alright, better hide out behind this bullet proof truck until the heat dies down.
8) Jerry Once Again With The Kill Of The Week
Creepy sex offender guy makes the rookie villain mistake of using the time he should be killing to slowly outlining the many unimportant details of his master plan. Details that include, but are not limited to, disrupting Negan’s obvious symmetry. Ezekiel is trying to re-create one of Kendal Jenner’s most popular Instagram posts.
Aaaaand Jerry with one of the most satisfying kills in the history of this or any other show. SLICE! Later, Whitmer Thomas! This actor’s name is Whitmer Thomas. He’s a comedian and is really funny and you should go check him out, he doesn’t wear those glasses in real life.
9) NOOOOO! NOT JOEY!
Attentive viewers of this show, as well as people who were reading my bad recap articles last season, will remember that Fat Joey of the Saviors died when Daryl escaped. Which meant Skinny Joey would now just be known as Joey. Well, now it looks like the last remaining adult man who still wants to be referred to as “Joey” like some kind of child is also dead. So to review, first we had two Joeys. Then one. Now we’re down to zero Joeys. Welcome to season eight of the walking dead. It’s mostly just counting Joeys at this point.
10) Please Don’t Let Jerry Die
Please don’t kill Jerry. Usually when a character does this much likable stuff in an episode, it means we’re about to say goodbye forever. Is it a cheap trick to make the weight of their death feel more intense for the viewer? You bet! Does it work every time? Sure does! Because we’re dumb. If we were smart we’d be reading books on Sundays, but instead I’m getting choked up hearing Jerry say “dude” twice and haven’t read a full book in three years. Sound off in the comments and let me know the last time you read a full book, I’m extremely curious about this. And yes, I really do read all your comments.
11) Carol’s Choice
Carol has been counting these dude’s bullets and she’s ready to negotiate. Come out with your hands up and she’ll only jam some of the keys on this ring up your ass before stabbing you in the head. Oh no! Carol has a real dilemma on her hands. Does she bail out a couple of dying idiots or shoot these two strangers in the face? These are two of her favorite hobbies! Nobody told her today would be this tough.
12) These Time Jumps Are Annoying
These time jumps are annoying. I don’t like them. And I get what they’re going for. I do. I went to college to earn a useless degree in media studies, I fucking get it. But doing something doesn’t make it good or artsy. Sometimes it’s just bad. Like these stupid, and very bad, time jumps. In general the episodes this season felt like they were edited by a 10-year-old jacked up on Adderall and some new flavor of Mountain Dew. And while that’s probably a rockin’ time for the 10-year-old, it’s giving me a fucking headache.
13) Road Rage
WOW. Just when I am ready to give up on this show, they go and do something like this and drive their way right back to my heart. I haven’t laughed this hard in a very long time. It was awesome. There’s just so much to love. Rick Grimes driving DIRECTLY into gunfire. The dude driving the car deciding now is a good time to take his eyes off the road. Rick’s car FINALLY taking the most minimal amount of damage from these ENORMOUS bullets. Daryl dusting himself off ten seconds after getting in a very serious motorcycle wreck. And the cherry on top of it all, Rick Grimes effortlessly jumping between moving cars and stabbing this dude in his tummy before crashing his car. Then crawling up the hill to say, “What up,” to Daryl only to announce they should probably head back down the hill to see how dead that guy is.
14) Ezekiel’s Real Voice
Ezekiel must be in pretty bad shape! His real voice just leaked throughKeep it down, Your Highness! You’re going to make Jerry cry. You wouldn’t like him when he cries. It’s super sad, nobody likes it when Jerry cries.
15) RIP Shiva
It’s looking like curtains for Ol’ Zeke, aand Shiva shows up to save him from these very gross mutant sewer zombies. I really loved seeing her whip one last zombie up in the air like the world’s biggest cat toy. This was also sad! Like, oddly sad. In a very weird way, it might be the saddest death on the show. And considering we’re talking about a CGI tiger, that really speaks volumes about how unlikable some of these humans have been. I am speaking, of course, mostly about Lori. Also here’s a fun Easter egg for anyone who turned on closed captioning during this scene.
Just kidding. It didn’t say that, but it really should’ve. I’m available to write closed captions for the show and my rates are very reasonable.
16) Sad Homecoming
Sorry, gang! But only people who have had lines of dialogue survived. Shiva doesn’t count. Ezekiel sure does have some explaining to do to. And he’ll get around to it tomorrow! Right now, it’s nap time for the king. Nobody doth dare to tread heavily and disturb his royal slumber hour! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will we FINALLY learn what Father Gabriel’s been up to? Father Who? Are we sure that’s a character on the show? I honestly don’t recognize that name anymore. What adventures will Daryl and Rick get into next? They’re going to steal the declaration of independence. Is Shiva ACTUALLY dead? Don’t be absurd, of course not. She very clearly slid under a dumpster at the last second. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S08E05 of The Walking Dead.
Here’s the video version of this recap. See you next Monday!