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June 27, 2017
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I want to learn about summer!

I’ve been in summer school for 2 weeks and I haven’t been taught one damn thing about summer. No classes on the history of beaches. None on how to pick a summer camp. Not even one on how to choose the best ice cream flavor for a hot day. All my teachers talk about are the stupid subjects I ignored during the normal school year because I was too busy thinking about summer.

If I wanted to learn about math and science, I’d watch The Big Bang Theory! If I wanted to learn about history, I’d watch Game of Thrones and tell myself it was real. If I wanted to learn about English, I’d just watch The Big Bang Theory again since that’s the language they speak!

But I don’t want to learn about those things. I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT SUMMER!

I have so many questions! Why is summer hotter than spring? Is summer only an American thing or is it franchised out to other countries? If someone dies in summer, do they get to come back in autumn? I know a girl named Summer, why won’t she return my texts?

Another thing I don’t understand: none of the other kids in summer school with me seem to care that the curriculum isn’t about summer. They just want to “pass these classes so my dad doesn’t send me to military school.” I keep telling them not to worry, since if military school is anything like summer school, they won’t even teach you about the military! It’ll just be the same stupid school, with the same ugly teachers, and with the same girl named Summer who can’t see we’re perfect for each other.

Yesterday, I went to the principal’s office to explain that summer school was a sham.

“We don’t learn a single thing about summer,” I said.

“Yeah, ‘summer’ just refers to the fact that you’re taking it in summer,” she said.

“That’s insane,” I said. “You’re breathing right now and it’s summer, so are you summer breathing?”

“Yes,” she said. “And you’re being a summer idiot. Get back to class! Oh and you never had a chance with that Summer girl.”

As I left her office, I gave her the summer finger.

I have 6 weeks of classes left to go and in that time I still hope to somehow have all of my summer questions answered. If the teachers refuse to educate me, I’ll find the answers on my own. I’m sure there’s a Big Bang Theory episode that explains all about summer. There just has to be. There’s like 50,000 episodes. All great.

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