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October 16, 2017

28 of the most ridiculous things from last night's two-part 'Fear The Walking Dead' season finale S03E15 "Things Bad Begun" and S03E16 "Sleigh Ride"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s Fear The Walking Dead…

1) Nick’s Bloody Shopping Cart Full Of Severed Heads

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There’s really not a lot to do these zombie days, which is why Nick is currently play Pop-A-Shot with severed zombie heads and a shopping cart. Let’s see what you can get for all these heads!

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Huh. So you’re telling me the shady guy who offered you pig glands wasn’t on the level. Who could’ve possibly predicated that?!? I mean, what’s the world coming to when you can’t trust a strange drug dealing man who offers you glands that may or may not be from a pig. OK, now cue the unusually upbeat music over the title card we’ve got a double episode to recap!

2) Strand Is Literally Trying To Sell Madison Bullshit And Bologna

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Strand up there trying to convince Madison they’ll all be celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving and International Talk Like A Pirate Day again while literally talking about bullshit and bologna could not be more on the nose. Only one thing left to do when someone is lying to your face about your possibilities of happiness: break out a bottle of booze, it’s time to turn the fuck up!

3) Alicia And Her Bestie Had Their First Fight

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Alicia and her Nameless Best Friend (I’m going to call her Samantha?) got in their first fight. You know, about Alicia selling her hair. WEIRD THING TO FIGHT ABOUT BUT WHATEVZ. Oh yeah, then this happened.

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Oh, snap! That snap was Samantha’s leg, btw. Well, I’m sure that’s the very last we’ll see of these guys that almost killed them and they will definitely never ever come back ever. Except maybe to sign Samantha’s cast.

4) Madison And Strand Chugging Scotch In The Hot Sun A Hundred Feet In The Air

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Is this really the best place to turn the fuck up? I enjoy a good hot scotch chug paired with a spirited conversation about who in the group has and has not murdered someone as much as the next dude, but this just feels like a bad thing to be doing at a time like this. And by “at a time like this” I mean literally any time at all.

5) I Still Do Not Trust Troy

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Sorry, but I don’t trust Troy now. Why? Because everything he’s ever done has been terrible and he’s the worst. He just got everyone on the farm killed three minutes ago! Daniel sees right through it by asking if he’s ACTUALLY in the military and Troy handles the situation PERFECTLY by saying, “In a way.” Which is accurate, because “not at fucking all” is the way in which he is in the military. So technically, yes, he is in the military in that way. The way in which is he is not. Well played, Troy. Well played.

6) Madison Just Told Nick To Eat? OK, The Clarks Are Actually Jewish

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I wasn’t sure if the Clark family is ACTUALLY Jewish or if that was just a thing Alicia was saying to get out of loser Bible study, but a mom telling her son to go eat even when the world is ending is 100% a Jewish mother move. Source: Am Jewish, have a mother who is always telling me to eat, and my world feels like it’s ending almost every time I get out of bed.

7) I Don’t Think Alicia Should Accept This Guy’s Job Offer

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I’d have to imagine the job opportunities for young ladies who didn’t graduate high school and have a dumb tattoo from their boyfriend who died in the first episode are scarce, but I don’t think Alicia should take this job. Something about a doctor vaguely alluding to molesting a female patient and also wanting to hire an attractive young female assistant he just met with no medical training just feels a little off!

8) I’m Beginning To Suspect This Strand Character Is Not A Trustworthy Fellow

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Strand, the undefeated world champion of “I Swear I Can Get Us Out Of This Thing I Got Us Into,” has gotten the gang in yet another jam. Because he sold them out to keep them safe? But now they’re fucked because the people he sold them out to won’t keep them safe because they found out they’re coming? Jesus Christ with this guy. It’s a good thing he stands somewhat close to Troy for comparison or they’d realize just how bad he is for their chances of survival.

9) Nick Is A Very Bad Liar

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Wow, Nick! Just pretend you get a free bag of heroin if you tell a good lie. Maybe that will motivate you to improve your performance. But did Daniel buy Nick’s bullshit about who led the horde to the farm? No. Of course not. Tough break, Nick! Nothing good ever happens after Daniel Salazar locks a door and tells you you’re lying. Like, the next thing is definitely not you guys heating up a frozen pizza and watching King Of The Hill reruns.

10) Troy’s C4 Hand Holding

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Very smooth, Troy. Way to caress Madison’s hand while you’re planting dangerous explosives. And saying how Nick is like a brother while kind of alluding to the fact that you want to bang this brother’s mom? Perfect. Flawless execution all around. But can you ALSO throw in some casual racism?!? I mean, Madison would have to be a fool to not swoon right now. Also, if you ever have to ask a woman if you’re good and she says you’re good Y’ALL ARE SO FAR FROM GOOD I could not even show you on a map of where you are how geographically distant you are from good. It’s literally a map away, that’s how not good you are.

11) How Many Creepy Mustached Men Is Alicia Going To Link Up With Today?

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Alicia appears to be going for the high score of creepy mustache men in a single day. Shitty Negan sure does talk a lot about outposts and trade routes, but I’m not sure I see the vision coming to fruition! Kind of hard to ruthlessly terrorize people when they can escape you by climbing three stairs. OK, so his plan is to undergo a surgery that already doesn’t have a high likelihood of success in a hospital with trained surgeons but do it with a sex offender and a teen who may or may not have seen several episodes of Scrubs? I feel great about this! Go Dodgers!

12) Nick Needs To Stop Sticking Up For Troy

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Ugh. Nick. WHY MUST YOU CONTINUE TO DEFEND TROY WHEN HE IS BAD. He’s really very bad! Some (me) might even say THE WORST DOT WOOF. Nick’s story sucks and also makes no sense. Just tell Salazar the truth, Nick! Or at least make up some interesting shit. “And then a dragon showed up! And it made a big fireball and the zombies followed the fireball. It was awesome, you should’ve seen it. Also, I was on ketamine at the time, so who knows what was really going on.” Now there’s a story I will listen to every day of the week.

13) Alicia’s Tough First Day At The Office

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First days at the office can sure be tough! You’re meeting people and trying to to learn names, specifically the names of the many men standing around you with machine guns ready to kill you if you fuck up a surgery. And don’t even get me started on the boring conversations with folks about their dumb ass aunts. WOOF DOT NET! When is lunch?!? Hah. We have fun around here. We work hard, but we have fun around here.

14) Adios, Troy!

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Later, Troy! It’s been FUCKING TERRIBLE knowing you. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but we have had almost no fun at all together because it feels like you’ve been around for six years and it’s somehow only been a single season. Getting unceremoniously conked in the brain by a hammer is probably the best possible outcome you could’ve hoped for. See you at a Comic-Con party probably, dude!

15) Strand Shot Daniel In The Face And He’s Fine

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I’m not an expert in face bullets, and I didn’t go to any fancy skull college, but usually a bullet inside of your noggin kills you. That much I am certain of. But Daniel is not your standard guy, which is why he takes a bullet to the grill and walks away mumbling shit about you and your family and what he’s going to do to you when this hole in his head clears up.

16) Now That’s What I Call A Dam Shootout

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This was cool! I liked this. I liked this a lot. Everyone was shooting at everything. This is what season finale’s should have and, honestly, The Walking Dead could take some notes here. Except it’s not REALLY the finale because we have ONE MORE ZOMBIE EPISODE TO GO so let’s get on with it, folks!

17) Zombie Fantasy Christmas

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Zombie Fantasy Christmas is great! Love the holiday. And I don’t know if you want notes, but I have one teensy tiny note.

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Maybe next time we don’t visit the cemetery on Zombie Fantasy Christmas? Feels like kind of a downer. The music, the food, everything else was great. But let’s not visit the buried corpses of our loved ones next year in our fantasy version of Christmas, just a thought.

18) Alicia And Strand’s Whisper Plan

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Alicia and Strand think they’re slick whispering plans on the dock when everyone keeps turning back to see them whispering plans. Even Proctor John is turning his back to check it out, and his back has a god damn hole in it! Fucking relax, you two! Not saying anything here would be better than whatever you’re doing. And they didn’t even come up with a scheme. Just Strand telling yet another Clark to trust him to get out of this jam. Because that’s gone so great so far.

19) Daniel’s Still Alive

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You can’t keep a good man down, and the same goes for Daniel “I’ll Torture The Dick Off An Orphan” Salazar. And while Daniel has never, specifically, tortured a dick off an orphan that I know of it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t or hasn’t thought about it extensively.

20) Alicia Retired From Her Job As A Surgeon To Go Sail To Houston

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After an extremely successful career in the medical profession with a 100% patient survival rate, Alicia has quit while she’s ahead and is going to sail to Houston! I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of beautiful exotic locations I would love to sail to, the ONLY place I’m thinking about is Houston, Texas.

21) Strand Says Shooting Daniel In The Face Was The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Him

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HAHAHHAHAHA. Are you fucking SERIOUS right now, dude? I’m pretty sure if anyone in that situation can rank a gunshot to the face as the worst thing that’s ever happened to them, it’s the guy taking the bullet not the dude who pulled the trigger. Sheesh! Some people just have to make everything about them. Thanks for reading my recap. I’m great. I’m great at writing these, thanks for reading them. Me me me.

22) Alicia Introducing Her New Boyfriend To The Family

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Wow, whaf a fun interaction this is. First making her hug her mom (very weird hug, really more of a homie pat) and then the quick discovery that Nick is the reason twelve nameless biker guys are dead. OK! Well it’s certainly been awkward and uncomfortable. Time for everyone to die! I wish more awkward and uncomfortable interactions ended with everyone dying. I think the main problem with awkward and uncomfortable interactions is everybody usually doesn’t die at the end. Kind of a major flaw.

23) Are We Seriously Doing A Group Hug Before We All Die?

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Fuck that. If it’s curtains for this young man, I’m going out dancing and I encourage everyone to join in. We can do the electric slide! It’ll be fun. Promise.

24) Salazar Is The Only One Who Seems To Be Enjoying This Nightmare Christmas

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This Christmas fantasy started pleasant enough, but just like the real thing pretty soon there’s a table full of frowns and a severed head and blood everywhere. And folks seem to not be down, except for Salazar. Dream Salazar is LOVING it! He’s in his element, now more than ever. Bearded dude whose name I forget seems to be completely neutral on this nightmare, he’s the Switzerland of the table.

25) Nick’s Last Stand

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Nick holding the dam hostage with the C4 detonator so his mom, Strand, and Alicia could get away was a nice thought … but WHY WAS STRAND NOT THE ONE WITH THE DETONATOR? If Nick didn’t take it from Strand, he could’ve escaped with his family. It makes no sense. It was frustrating and stupid. This show is kind of good sometimes and then it does stuff like this. I hate it. At least I get some time off from writing about zombie shows OH GOD THE OTHER ONE STARTS BACK AGAIN SUNDAY OH MY GOD OH GOD THIS NEVER ENDS.

26) Daniel Bleeding From His Face Is Still A Goddamn Secret Agent Of Death

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  • Can’t believe these guys fell for the old man bleeding from his face routine. It’s the oldest trick in the book! Daniel killed those three goons so fast. It was awesome. It was also scary. It was awesome and scary and shocking and I didn’t totally know what was going on, not dissimilar to the first time you’re having sex and a condom breaks.

27) Nick Blew Everything Up For No Dam Reason

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Taqa and …. Uh … That Guy? Taqa and That Guy do a great job as a sniper team taking out folks on the dam. Great! Nick can make a quick escape! SO WHY DID HE BLOW UP THE DAM?!? IT MAKES NO SENSE. The water will evaporate now and people will die soon. But his mom, Alicia, and Strand might die REALLY soon because they just got sucked up into a flood. But I guess if family members didn’t get split up EVERY GOSH DANG FINALE we wouldn’t have a show so rules are rules or zombie whatever.

28) Kind Of A Festive Outfit To Envision Visiting A Fantasy Cemetery

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Bright blue is a bit much to visit a cemetery, even in a dream sequence. Tone it down, Madison!

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“Welcome to Earf.”

Time to spend half a season reconnecting the family and then another half slowly losing everyone! Wow. What a season it’s been, folks! I hope you have enjoyed reading these recaps and leaving comments (I read all your comments) because I have enjoyed writing them. And NEXT WEEK new episode of The Walking Dead start back up! So for all twelve of you who regularly read both articles, I have some exciting news to share: NOBODY READS SHIT ANYMORE so I’m converting my Walking Dead recaps into a videos with subtitles. It’s something new I’m going to try and I hope you’ll enjoy it! It will be almost identical to the articles, but with voice over narration (my voice, sorry) and moving image clips aka footage from the show you already watch. I know change is scary, but I’m doing this because I think it’ll be a better version of this thing that more fans can enjoy (or not) and longtime readers know this series can only get better. But just to make sure none of you freak the fuck out, I’ll still post article versions because I really appreciate the fact that people have been reading these for years and I’m not about to rob you of that incredibly mediocre experience. That’s all, folks! Check out the brand new VIDEO version of my Walking Dead recaps next Monday and see you soon whenever the heck Fear The Walking Dead starts back up again! Byeeeeee