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March 23, 2017

He's the newest, most-punchable face on the street!

The newest addition to Sesame Street has a black Hitler youth haircut and loves spending time on his computer attacking the mainstream media. His name is Stan, and he’s the first muppet to identify as alt-right.

Sesame Street, always known for being inclusive, decided to create Stan as a means of introducing children to the alt-right movement at a young age and to let them decide how terrifying it really is. Creators described Stan as “a little like Oscar the Grouch, but even more of a trash person.”

In his debut episode, “Meet Stan,” viewers learn Stan ran away from home, sick of dealing with his “liberal snowflake” parents, and was drawn to Sesame Street because its initials are SS, just like the Schutzstaffel, Hitler’s paramilitary organization in Nazi Germany. When Big Bird first meets Stan and asks what his red “LOCK HER UP” t-shirt means, Stan replies with one of his many catchphrases: “Where are the emails?” Some of Stan’s other catchphrases include “HIGH ENERGY,” “So much winning,” and “Thinking your daughter is hot is fine.”

The arc of his first episode features Stan attempting to illustrate to Elmo how Barack Obama is not only a reptilian alien posing as a human, but also a reptilian alien born in Kenya. You’ll have to tune in on Monday to see if Elmo believes it or not.

The show announced Stan’s arrival last week via social media and postings on InfoWars.com and Breitbart News. Many commenters stated it was “about time” the Muppets represented them and that Stan “better be white or else.”

Debra Thompson, the puppeteer who controls Stan, studied up on the alt-right movement in order to get the Muppet’s movements down. “Being alt-right means that Stan often flails his arms around when someone refutes his bullshit with facts. His back is often hunched also, as if even gravity hates him and wants to push him directly to hell where he belongs. It’s very interesting to control Stan and it also makes me hate myself.”

Stan’s not the only new arrival to the show. Julia, a Muppet with autism, will also be joining the cast of characters on Sesame Street. When asked to describe the relationship Stan will have with Julia, the show’s writers said “it’s not good,” and that Stan is a “total asshole” to Julia, but that he’s also a “total asshole to every character.”

Stan is especially mean to The Count who he constantly tries to get deported. However, The Count often antagonizes Stan by counting how many more votes Hillary Clinton received than Donald Trump in the Presidential election. Their playful banter will surely keep viewers entertained for years to come.

When asked by reporters about his thoughts on the new Muppet, President Trump replied, “Thinking your daughter is hot is fine.”

Stan would be proud.