1) Necessary Flashback
Rick fondly remembers that walk with Carl when he didn’t teach him not to trip over shit in the woods.
2) Ricky G’s Story Time
Ricky G looks in the mirror and sees someone he doesn’t recognize. A guy taking care of his child. Spooky.
Then Dr. Baby Bottle with a PhD in being an orphan re-tells the story about the time Carl got bit and it somehow gets less believable every single time.
3) Crazy Morgan Strikes Again
Morgan continues his reign as the undefeated heavyweight champion of being crazy by almost killing New Carl for no reason. It’s fine, he just needs a little time to cool off. If anyone needs him, he’ll be over there supporting a spinoff series.
4) Shirts Are A Resource
This shirt labeled “Rick” for target practice has me beginning to think that, perhaps, the Saviors have too much time and also t-shirts on their hands.
They also, apparently, have too much blue hair dye.
5) Father G’s Car Jump
The lord is my shepherd, he helps me tuck and roll. Butthole vision is BACK, you guys! Now with extra wide butthole.
6) The Gang’s All Here
Uh, what the fuck is up with everyone’s purple arm bands? Are they to remember Carl? They’re stupid, so I guess that makes sense.
Rick shows Negan he means business by blindly turning around and pointing a loaded gun directly at his people.
7) Eugene’s Handy Work
Things are not looking so good for Ricky G and the funky bunch when … BLAMO! The Saviors guns prematurely explode in their hands! Super embarrassing. They swear this kind of thing never happens and they’ll be ready to murder again in, like, twelve minutes.
8) Hot Single Women In Your Area
Tara and Face Pubes are about to get their shit killed when out of nowhere come all the single ladies to save the day. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned who has knowledge of homemade explosives.
9) The Final Boss
For a guy RIGHT ABOUT to kill Rick, Negan sure does a lot of talking shit! I think he needs to do less talking and more shit. Rick makes a last ditch effort to have just ten seconds to remember Carl.
It’s working! Now kiss…
WOW. RICK. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU KISS. Love that Rick sends the doc in to “save” Negan after he just installed a zipper in his neck. Maggie is is sobbing for two.
10) Ricky G’s New World Order
EVERYBODY! LISTEN UP! NEGAN’S WAY IS DONEZO! ADIOS! NO MORE ARBITRARY TYRANNICAL RULE FROM A CRAZY WHITE DUDE! AND IF YOU CAN’T SEE YOURSELF TO FIND PEACE WITH THIS HERE DECREE, I’LL KILL YOUR ASS DEAD WITH MY BALLS. AND THAT’S ON EVERYTHING!
11) Apology Accepted
Rosita thanks Eugene for saving the day while simultaneously accepting his humble apology for puking on him by socking him directly in his grill.
12) The Not So Long Goodbye
Morgan continues his dramatic and well thought out character development by taking off some BMX armor and announcing he’s going to walk to Texas.
13) Take My Zombie Wife … Please
Daryl punishes Dwight for his many sins by commanding him to go re-connect with his ex-wife.
14) Clean Shirt Morgan’s Revelation
Clean Shirt Morgan tells Jadis she can live with Rick, then leaves her with some parting wisdom. He’s learned that everything in life is about people. And these people have literally made him crazy. So he’s going to go find some new ones. Deuces. And so help me god if that helicopter is involved I’m going to be so pissed off.
15) Conspiracy Theory
Maggie conspiring to kill Rick makes no sense. But adding Jesus, who has been preaching nonviolence for a minute now, makes even more no sense. Then throwing Daryl in to emerge from the shadows to pledge his allegiance to kill his day one homeboy makes the most no sense. Fuck all of this. F-.
16) The Way It Is
Rick shows Negan some hospital bed mercy. He’s going to keep him alive, rotting in a cage, watching everybody sing Kumbaya and make friendship bracelets. Wait, that sounds a lot worse than death. If it’s between death and the front row seat to Kumbaya I’ll take death 12 times out of 10. TUNE IN NEXT SEASON! Will Face Pubes and Maggie start dating? Someone’s going to need to raise that kid when it’s born in season 37. Will Dwight re-connect with his ex-wife? If she shows up, she’s going to need to wear a “Dwight’s Ex-Wife” name tag if she expects me to recognize her. How will Maggie kill Rick? She won’t. Ever. Because the show just set something up that will never pay off because it makes no sense in an effort to feel dramatic, like a cliffhanger, and it’s bad. Very bad. F-. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next season of The Walking Dead!
EDITOR’S NOTE: HEY THANKS SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO CONTINUES TO READ THESE! I started writing these articles in the middle of season 5 and this marks the THIRD FULL SEASON of recaps which is nuts. I started also making these as videos at the beginning of season 8 because more people watch videos than read articles these zomnbie days, but I still kept writing these (mostly because I knew you fuckers would complain, and you did, right on time, so predictable) and it means a lot that you guys still show up years later every Monday to read this junk. See you in October! Byeeeeee