This week’s tweets come with free same-day shipping.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) July 11, 2017
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I'm not clear on the rules— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 9, 2017
I always add condoms at CVS so cashiers think I'm a sex guy instead of a guy who buys one large honeydew at midnight every night— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) July 8, 2017
To my wife: twitter isn't damaging my brain— bog dad (@AynRandy) March 27, 2017
To myself: I could tweet "take me to chonch"
"Danger Zone" is actually about a dangerously delicious calzone— lanyard (@lanyardigan) July 8, 2017
[moving day]— Stevem (@stevemarriott) July 9, 2017
Me: Ahh good. Here comes the moving bus I called
Wife: You got a bus to move?
Me: ...if you insist
*dances with no rhythm*
[last day of creative writing class]— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) July 11, 2017
Are you ready to name your band?
Dave Matthews: You bet I am.
Can't believe they perfected the motel experience after just 6 tries— Caitlin (@caithuls) July 11, 2017
People won't always remember what you say but they will remember how you made them feel your baby smooth hairless shins.— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) July 11, 2017
my desktop screen is very tidy bc i put everything in one folder named "deal with later" and never do, which is also how i live my life— electric leil (@leilalw) July 8, 2017
[meeting a guy for the first time]— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) July 10, 2017
me: please don't make me watch a Spider-Man
me: looks I got painful diarrhea again or as I call it, the hurty squirtys— Callum (@rasta_dad) May 25, 2017
twitters' ad algorithm: now here's a guy who'd join the army
Sir, you can't walk up to the drive through window.— Brandon (@BCMontgo) May 6, 2017
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Next time u see a person on a horse go up to them and say "Oh nice, what is that?"— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) July 8, 2017
I haven't worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man...— WhatserName™ (@IamEveryDayPpl) April 23, 2017
ME: Oh my god, like the spaghetti guy?— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) July 9, 2017
DR. BOYARDEE: Do you want me to treat your snake bite, or do you want to talk about my brother?
No one has ever been more appropriately named than Donald Trump Jr.— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 9, 2017
Me: can I wish for more wishes— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) July 9, 2017
Me: i wish for $20 then
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
doctor: are you sexually active— Ingrid Ostby (@ingridostby) July 5, 2017
HER: I'm a huge animal lover— NK™ (@VanGobot) July 12, 2017
[we go 2 her apt & there's an elephant standing in the doorway w/ flowers]
HER: no, Gary! I told you, it's over
ladies don't you hate performing the emotional labor of comforting your boyfriend as he grieves over the loss of his pile of mulch??? ladies— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) July 5, 2017
The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts— Cadaea (@sophiekeen) July 11, 2017
[wheel of fortune]— duumb (@duumb) July 7, 2017
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[coworker walking out of the boss's office]— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) July 5, 2017
ME: did he say anything about me being paranoid