1) Rick And Michonne: Cupboard Sleuths Extraordinaire
¡Hola! Estoy in Cancun, Mexico ahora para mi amigo’s 30th birthday so this will probably not be the best. Just putting that out there. On with the recap! The super weird season seven music choices continue. Rick and Michonne sure do have a packed itinerary of foraging for ravioli cans and banging. Thank god they grabbed those football jerseys, I don’t know how they expect to defeat Negan (sometime in season 23) without football jerseys. But will ripping off the golfers come back to bite them?!? Michonne wants to go home, but Rick wants just a little more ravioli foraging punctuated by bang sessions. Once again, this recap will probably not be the best.
2) Scar Tissue
Just take the Neosporin, Rosita. Anytime anyone tries to hand you Neosporin, you should take the goddamn Neosporin. You’re not on a hidden camera prank show called “No Sporin” where someone is pranking you with Neosporin you don’t need. You have some shit on your face and the Neosporin will help so just take it, Rosita. Take. The. Sporin. Por. Fa. Vor.
3) Deer Rick
“I owe you a deer”? I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Rick. I watch this show (often twice) and I don’t know what the fuck Rick is talking about. No entiendo estes palabras. Dios mio.
4) Rosita’s Throat Puss Shower
This Mama June zombie throat puss shower was both very cool and also gross. I am hungover right now.
5) Michonne’s Carnival Games
Why is Michonne wasting some of the last bullets on the planet to literally play carnival games?
Wow, you mean that dangerous soaking wet roof collapsed? There was almost no way to have predicted that other than by looking at it and thinking. I’m just glad those two could have a good laugh! Life’s not worth living if you don’t have a smile on your face and someone to share it with. Pretty sure Stalin said that.
6) Rosita Felt The Need To Tell Father Gabriel She Didn’t Find Any “Real” Guns
Jesus Christo, Rosita. Was it REALLY necessary to clarify for Father G that you didn’t find any “real” guns? Finding a toy gun is the same thing as finding no guns, you could’ve just said you found no guns. Also, wipe your face off. You don’t need scars and throat blood, we know your shit sucks right now and you’re sad. Stop being so extra.
7) Rick And Michonne Making Big Plans For Tomorrow During Their Candlelit Feast
Pump the brakes, Michonne! I don’t think you’ll have time tomorrow to kill all those walkers and also kill Negan and also put chocolate milk in all the water fountains!
They must’ve found some military grade marijuana because the only way you’re going to hear that level of enthusiasm for chili and mac and cheese together at the same time (come on) is under the influence of dank nugs. ¿What am I actually doing with my life watching this show in Mexico right now?
8) Even Judith Can’t Pay Attention To This Shit
Is this baby’s name Judith? I no joke googled “Judith Walking Dead” just to make sure this baby’s name is Judith because it’s been so long since we’ve seen Judith that I was pretty sure I forgot her name. Anyway, it’s great to see Shane’s kid growing up. She’s a chip off the old block, she’s going to be trying to bang Michonne and raise Carl in no time. The music choices are just so outlandishly weird this season. They could put Sublime over these scenes and it would feel less corny. I would do it, but I didn’t go to any fancy law school (hope you were sitting down for that revelation) and am uncertain about the legalities of such an edit. I already almost got arrested this weekend for laying down on the sidewalk and have made it a new goal to stay out of jail whenever possible. I was resting my theyes. That’s when you rest your eyes and thighs at the same time.
9) Rick’s Pulling This Guy’s Leg
It was fun to watch Rick pull this slimy guy apart. I had fun. I goof on this show a lot, but it’s a fun show and I have fun watching it. This whole sequence was great, really. Michonne’s shadow kill, then killing two walkers at once, and jumping in the trunk of a moving car with no brakes. I had a lot of fun. Hey, speaking of fun here’s a candid photo of me casually holding my titties on the shores of Cancun:
10) “You Take Slide, I Take Ferris Wheel”
Rick Grimes has a well documented history of quickly shouting a plan that makes no sense in a life or death situation where time is a factor and expecting everyone in his vocal vicinity to instantly understand. He’s like a short order cook for insane plans that will almost certainly get you killed.
11) Step Right Up! Step Right Up! See The Fakest CGI Deer Of All Time
As has been previously disclosed in one of these awful recaps, AMC is a minority shareholder in Funny Or Die. So I’m saying this with peace and love and PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME I NEED MY INSURANCE BECAUSE I HAVE DIABETES AND MY MEDICINE IS EXPENSIVE but get it the fuck together with this CGI nonsense. My niece is five years old, and she could produce an equally impressive deer with a half-charged iPad and two glasses of apple juice. This is the most popular show on cable television, please spend the extra $37 to rent a live deer.
How many more times are Rick and Michonne going to climb dangerous stuff at this gun carnival and act surprised when they fall and almost die? Six? They’re probably going to climb dangerous stuff at this gun carnival and act surprised when they fall and almost die six more times.
12) Rick’s Death Fakeout
As has been EXTENSIVELY COVERED IN THESE MUY MALO RECAPS, character death fakeouts are cheap and stupid and a poor substitute for decent writing. I should know about poor substitutes for decent writing, that’s kind of my wheelhouse. So please oh please just PLEASE cut it OUT with this nonsense! I don’t think anybody watching actually thought, “Wow. Michonne dropped her sword so they definitely killed off the main character of this show without showing us the death on a mid-season episode.” All this stuff does is piss off fans and give me stuff to write about so wait yeah actually please keep doing this, otherwise I won’t have stuff to write about. EDIT: I forgot to mention Rick popping up out of a giant box as the way they chose to dramatically reveal he was, in fact, still alive. That shit was hilarious, I laughed out loud. Thanks for pointing it out as the very first comment, you guys keep me honest.
13) Throwing Swords Is Not The Smartest Thing To Do
I did not go to any fancy sword throwing college (shocking, I’m sure) but I’m bright enough to know you don’t go chucking samurai blades at your bang buddy.
I loved Rick’s delicate booty grab. Being an actor is cool because sometimes you get to show up to work and delicately grab the upper booty cheek of a fellow thespian. I take back everything I said, this is the best thing I’ve ever written. Sound off in the comments if you think I should write all of these in Mexico.
14) Rick Hasn’t Been Sleeping Because He Can’t Stop Thinking About T-Dog
Same tbh. Gone but not forgotten. The one True Dog. Forever in our hearts.
15) RICK! SLOW DOWN WITH YOUR WORDS AND SENTENCES, YOU’RE SCARING THEM!
In what world is 63 guns not a lot of guns? And why is everyone in the apocalypse so petty? Talking about cats and pickles and deer. It’s childish. This show about zombies is childish, there I said it.
16) Jesus Made Me A Map Of The Outside Too, Sasha. It’s Called THE BIBLE.
My south of the border hangover is kicking into high gear so let’s just cut right to the TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! What will Rick do when he finds out about Oceanside? Probably drive up to the front door, honk his horn six times and yell, “Operation cowabunga red bravo! COWABUNGA RED BRAVO! The eagle’s nest is glowing and the rooster flies at dawn! Y’all know what it means!” and they’re going to know what it means. Will I read your comments to find out if this recap was one of the best ones or one of the worst ones? Of course I will, I read all your comments and added an international data plan to my phone SPECIFICALLY to read all your comments. Should I write ALL of these in Mexico? I should write all of these in Mexico. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ask 100 people if they know where the biblioteca is and live tweet the results because that’s the kind of shit I do on vacation I guess. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E13 of The Walking Dead!