This week’s tweets can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ‘cause they’re dead.
when Kanye took that VMA from Taylor I was like "oh, weird" not "this will psychologically cripple both artists, driving them to madness"— caitlin bitzegaio (@caitorade) August 27, 2017
Groundhog Day is my favorite movie about how it takes approx 2000 years for a man to stop trying to manipulate/assault a woman and be kind.— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) August 31, 2017
Same sex marriage? Hell, I'm voting for SOME sex marriage, right fellas? [the feedback from the mic kills an elderly lady in the front row]— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 30, 2017
on your first day in prison go up to the biggest motherfucker in there and ask him if he ever gets sad— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) August 30, 2017
me: [generously lets you into traffic]— Robert Manchild (@RobertManchild) March 21, 2017
also me: wave at me you motherfucker
I just put a bed together using nothing but an Allen key & swear words.— Paul (@bingowings14) August 17, 2017
Your overused 80's movie references won't Marty McFly with me.— Wünder Zödä (@Poutymcgee) August 29, 2017
ME: Hey pal, what condiment is that?— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) August 17, 2017
PAL: Soy sauce.
ME: Sauce, ¿qué condimento es eso?
It's kinda fucked that musicians eat sandwiches by placing them inside trombones and honking them into each other's mouths— Deirdre (@figgled) April 18, 2017
really just spent two minutes like "why would you shame someone with tuna?" pic.twitter.com/jACWpwJBET— tech fleece tormund (@the_blueprint) August 28, 2017
[job interview]— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 30, 2017
"Tell me a weakness."
Sometimes I lack motivation.
"Can you elaborate?"
*taking out a pillow* Maybe after my nap.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics— Mowgli (@Holy_Mowgli) August 28, 2017
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: I really haven't felt sexual in a long time but I think maybe, maybe I'm ready— chloe (@GoddessTitty) August 22, 2017
UPS Guy: I really just need you to sign for this package
when some of the hurricane gets on your dress pic.twitter.com/OAE153Tbnh— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) August 26, 2017
Relish comes in a 12 oz. jar so I can have the 2 oz. I need now, plus another 10 oz. to sit in my fridge for a decade.— Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten) August 31, 2017
What if you suddenly died for some reason while lying in a coffin. would they put you in a different coffin or use same one— AlGore Trout (@Karate_Horse) August 31, 2017
Dating tip: Before you think he's attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think... is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?— Madeclair (@FeelingEuphoric) August 27, 2017
Fool me once, shame on you.— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) August 12, 2017
Fool me again, I'm really gullible and this is starting to hurt my feelings, please stop.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.— RM (@dorsalstream) August 30, 2017
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won't show their skeletons for months.
A.I. may replace the labourer and even the strategist, but it will never replace the poet, because computers arent fucken lame ass nerds lol— mike peeboy (@MikeBigby) August 29, 2017
I'm really really really enjoying my new thesaurus— mo (@chuuew) August 29, 2017
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were— Marf (@MarfSalvador) August 30, 2017
Cheap Trick: I want you to want me, I need you to need me— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) August 21, 2017
Expensive Trick: I want $1000 for the night, I need it up front
Me: Have you seen Memento?— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 12, 2017
Girlfriend: *checks list of movies tattooed on her arm* Nope.
Oh fuck it's horned owl I'm late as shit pic.twitter.com/e3Ykj7uVrK— Dave Bender (@TitaniumTuffGuy) August 28, 2017
HER: I’m late— REW (@therealeatwood) August 20, 2017
ME: For what
HER: No, I mean... LATE
ME: OMG you’re dead?