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Published: March 04, 2017
Description: Everyone says our love is wrong, specifically God.

Sometimes when love is true, there’s not a thing in the world that can stand in the way. It’s scary how powerful the pull can be when one genuinely and profoundly cares for another person, no matter how many people say that it’s “wrong” or “blasphemous” — true love conquers. However, I will say, being smitten with love is almost not worth being smitten with fiery lightning, which keeps striking us every time we’re together.

I knew we’d run into trouble with your parents, being that one’s an imp and one’s an albino goat (and they both famously hate the Irish), but I never expected God himself to be against our love. Everytime I touch you, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up — and very soon thereafter I’m painfully struck by a firebolt from the heavens. I knew love was painful, but this is ridiculous! Seriously, very very painful. Also, my nose keeps bleeding tar when I daydream about you, which sometimes makes things awkward at work. But I still love you.

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Those eyes!

I really do love you so deeply, despite all that. I still remember the night we met: the stroke of midnight, you approached me and all of my friends while we clumsily operated that old derelict Ouija board. At first you scared us, mostly because of the fact that you ruptured the floorboards and howled ambivalent screeches that characterized our deepest insecurities directly into our virginal souls — but also because of the immediate, violent, seething attraction I felt for you. You swept me off my feet and plunged me into the abyssal darkness of hell, which was a nice change of pace.

In fact, even writing this note to you seems to anger the heavenly creator, possibly because our unconventional love troubles him, or because I’m using the blood of a sacrificed toddler, or because I’m writing in cursive and he can’t really read it — regardless, he’s sort of having a field day with the lightning. It’s very frustrating, God damn it!

No wait, please don’t! Please don’t damn it. I’m in pain.

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