Hey, it’s me, Tomi. That’s pronounced like “Tommy,” not “Tomy,” and definitely not “Tammy.” Get it right.
Anyway, this Harvey stuff in Texas is pretty bad, huh? But while there may be a flood going on there, please rest assured that the floodgates with me have only just started to open.
That’s because I’m BACK, snowflakes, with a bigger platform than ever. After my sabbatical from TheBlaze, I have officially signed on as a Fox News contributor, so finally they have someone to discuss the most pressing issue in our country right now— Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi emails.
You thought I was done beating that drum? Well, to quote our lord, savior, and President, “WRONG!”
Sure, I may have accidentally admitted that the obsessive, endless, and pointless-at-this-point continuation of this scandal is just textbook misdirection and ‘whataboutism’ to deflect from the very real issue of a sitting President colluding with a hostile foreign power, but that’s not the point.
The point is that I’m back, and so are my unhinged rants about those emails, “the mainstream media” (even though I’m literally part of it now), and anyone who doesn’t fit into my white privileged-centric, authoritarian, warped view of what America should be: black people wanting equal treatment under the law, immigrants, refugees, transgenders, and more!
And most importantly, I will keep railing against so-called “snowflakes”—leftists I accuse of being hyper-sensitive and triggered by trivial issues—while, meanwhile, I lose my mind when a football player puts his knee down during a fucking SONG.
You know why I’m justified to react that way, and why Colin Kaepernick shouldn’t speak out? Because America is the greatest country in the world, and if you think it could improve in any sort of way, sit down, shut up, and leave.
Unless, of course, you’re me.
But yeah, I’m back. And this time, I’ll be on more than just your Facebook feed when your uncle who starts every other sentence with “I’m not racist, but…” shares one of my videos and captions it, “So true.”
Because now, I have a platform on real-life, mainstream, cable TEEEEEEE-VEEEEEEE.
So get your lifejackets out, folks, because Tropical Storm Tomi is here to stay!
Eh, maybe take out “tropical.” Sounds too brown. I don’t see color though.