This week’s tweets are stacked extra high and completely covered in syrup.
Pancakes are like boobs. Go ahead and offer me unlimited; I doubt I can handle more than 5 in one sitting.— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) February 26, 2017
I've got OCD.— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) February 26, 2017
-What's your obsession?
-Do you take anything for it?
Me: Oh ho ho leaving early are we?— vineyille (@vineyille) February 23, 2017
Guy at work whose wife died around 4:30: yeah
[looking at my text messages after a night of drinking] i feel like my character wouldn't say this— Marble Leg God (@GraceSpelman) February 28, 2017
1987: help somebody's following me— Dr. Lizard Lou Who (@AmnesiaRose) March 1, 2017
2017: help nobody's following me
You can tell you're a guy with too many ponytails if you have one ponytail— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) February 22, 2017
"When has he EVER gone to a drive-in?" - my wife angrily watching 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives'— joe mande China (@JoeMande) February 26, 2017
you, a peasant: who— antonio (@antoniodelotero) February 28, 2017
me, an intellectual: whomst'd've
extremely suspicious that there's no information about brains that didn't come from a brain— great, person (@hippieswordfish) February 2, 2017
[Paul Ryan rips parachute off skydivers back]— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) February 27, 2017
SKYDIVER: what the-
RYAN: [pulling own rip cord] we're gonna replace it w/ something better!
it's really cool to be alive in america at this point in history because it's like the collapse of the roman empire but with wi-fi— lord crunkington III (@postcrunk) February 25, 2017
PROSTITUTE: If you're a cop, you have to tell me— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 24, 2017
TERRIBLE UNDERCOVER COP: No we don't
every time i see "airbnb" all i can thimk of is how its one letter's 180° rotation and one letter's horizontal reflection away from "airbud"— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 23, 2017
[20 minutes after watching all 236 episodes completely fuckin perplexed at the show Friends]— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) February 23, 2017
Ahh it's because they hang out a lot
La La Land blew a 1-0 Oscar lead— max (@MaxRappaport) February 27, 2017
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?— brent (@murrman5) September 15, 2015
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
How old was Steve Buscemi when he was born?— Gangster of Love (@Prof_Hinkley) February 4, 2017
I pressed the potato button on my microwave to heat up my lasagna. I have no regrets.— Mrs.X (@LnL245) March 2, 2016
It's fucked up that the dog from frasier probably thought it was all real— tom philip, moron. (@tommphilip) February 28, 2017
jazz is my life...this is my music pic.twitter.com/IgN66db62r— brandon zzz (@sexualjumanji) February 23, 2017
Actually, men have to explain things to women or they will get blue brains and I guess it's really painful— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) February 22, 2017
Worried my sadness is cutting into my worrying time— donni saphire (@donni) February 28, 2017
If you can't handle me at my worst (wearing my karate headband), then you don't deserve me at my best (wearing my whole karate outfit)— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) February 25, 2017
People are always asking me who my favorite comedian is. I never had an answer until today's flight attendant.— Chris FAIRBANKS! (@chrisfairbanks) February 25, 2017
Dinosaurs never could've survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It'd be totally ridiculous in 2017.— batkaren (@batkaren) February 22, 2017
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) January 1, 2017
*my soul hangs around after I die to see if there's a Marvel teaser*— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 28, 2017