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July 22, 2015
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A new Rasmussen poll shows a majority of Americans would sell their constitutionally guaranteed vote for "a killer foot rub" or "a so-so handjob."

A new Rasmussen poll shows a majority of Americans would sell their constitutionally guaranteed vote for “a killer foot rub” or “a so-so handjob.”

Paul Sherick, who conducted the poll for Rasmussen, pointed out a few key statistical variables.

“When the foot rub was mediocre, a majority of the respondents became indignant and pointed out that millions had died for their right to vote and that it was the pillar on which democracy rests. But as soon as the foot rub was elevated to "killer” most immediately indicated they would sell their vote. With the handjob, quality was not an issue.“

The poll also showed that 48% would sell their right to vote for a year of free Netflix or if an In-N-Out Burger would open in their neighborhood. 29% polled didn’t understand that the poll was hypothetical and became agitated when they were told they would not receive the foot rub or handjob.

"But you said it! You just said I’d get the handjob!!” yelled one man from Georgia before breaking down in tears and mumbling “But I want it … I want the thing you said…”

Sherick went on to point out that 19% indicated they would sell their vote “for those boring political elections” but not for The Voice, American Idol, or All Star rosters.

Given that only 36% of eligible voters voted in the last midterm, Sherick wasn’t surprised by the poll’s results.

“What we’re seeing is that most Americans don’t even know when the elections are. Others think that if they ignore their role in electing representatives to run the government somehow government won’t affect them. And still others just wanted to talk about their cats and how they meow like crazy when they come home from work.”

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