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February 24, 2017
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Leave jury duty for lame people who can't yo-yo!

Nobody wants to do jury duty. It’s boring, time consuming, and probably illegal. That’s why the greatest yo-yo scientists have devised these 5 surefire tricks that will get anyone out of jury duty.

When you’re brought in front of the judge for juror questioning, simply do one of these tricks and you’ll be out of that court before you can say “habeas corpus.”

If you don’t know what “habeas corpus” means, it doesn’t matter. It’s not a yo-yo term, so it’s not important.

Trick #1: Dancing With God’s Friend

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God’s friend only knows one dance.

Flick your wrist outwards and curl the yo-yo into your body when it’s at its apex. Repeat this until the judge, prosecuting attorney, and defense attorney ask what you’re doing and then resume repeating.

Trick #2: Edgar Allan Yo

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You can kill a raven with this trick. Try it out!

Launch the yo-yo upwards in a parabolic curve and then jerk it downwards directly into the judge’s cup of coffee, splashing him and mocking his authority over the court. If the judge doesn’t have a cup of coffee, bring the judge a cup of coffee before doing this trick.

NOTE: THIS WILL NOT WORK WITH A CUP OF TEA! IT HAS A REVERSE EFFECT AND YOU’LL GET EXTRA JURY DUTY!

Trick #3: Your Mom Just Called. She’s Mad.

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Everyone has a mom and she only knows one dance.

Crisscross the string into a cradle and then drop the yo-yo through the opening and allow it to walk along the ground. While the yo-yo is walking exclaim, “That’s how I walked into this country illegally from Canada.” Only US citizens may serve on a jury, so you’ll be excused.

“But won’t they deport me if I say that?” No, because they’ll have witnessed your extraordinary yo-yo skills which America sorely needs to compete economically.

Trick #4: No Seinfeld Spoilers, Please

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I’m at the episode where he meets George(?).

Make the yo-yo sleep and then coax it to climb up the string like an elevator. When it reaches the top, pretend to be an old-fashioned elevator operator and declare, “Top floor: Racists and bigots only.” Now go back to being yourself and act like you were in the elevator and get out at that floor. Everyone in the court will then think you’re either a racist or a bigot and won’t want you on the jury, or they’ll think you were dumb and got off the elevator at the wrong floor and still won’t want you on the jury.

Note: This trick also works for getting out of boring conversations!

Trick #5: Guam’s A Planet, I can “prove” it.

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Guam sounds like the name of a planet, right?

After a good opening toss, whirl the yo-yo in a circle around yourself and walk directly out of the court. Nobody’s going to stop someone spinning around a yo-yo with a knife attached to it. Did I forget to mention you should tape a knife to your yo-yo before doing this trick? I don’t think I forgot that, but let me re-read what I wrote. Okay, yeah, I forgot that.


There you have it, the easiest and most yo-yo involved ways of getting out of jury duty. Some people might say it’s our duty as citizens to take part in the legal system, but those are just people who suck at yo-yoing.

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