From traffic jams and delayed flights to some kid kicking your tiny airplane seat while your family fights over the good neck pillow, few things are as stressful as holiday travel. But hopefully this year you can avoid it all with these handy tips and tricks!
Get Lost in the Woods
Spend your holidays deep in the forest, freezing, vomiting (either from lack of water or from eating poisonous berries) and laughing as you think of all those suckers stuck on I-95 pumping the brakes and cursing Google Maps. Hahaha! Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
File For Divorce
If you’re not welcome at your in-laws’ house, you don’t have to travel to your in-laws’s house. Which means you don’t have to wait in 3 hour long security lines, take your shoes off in front of people, or pay $4 for airport bottled water. Look who just saved Christmas!
Get Hit by a Car
What’s the opposite of running through the airport to make a connecting flight, heavy backpack weighing on you almost as much as the knowledge that if miss this flight you’ll have to pay hundreds for a new one? Resting your head on the hospital pillow, and slipping into a coma. Now that’s peace on earth.
Unforgivably Insult Your Family Members
You know your family better than anyone. You know their fears, their insecurities, their personal shortcomings. Use that info to say something that cuts them so deeply the scars will never heal. And just like that, you don’t have to wake up at 6am to catch that airport shuttle that takes for-fucking-ever! Merry Christmas to you!
Join a Cult
Instead of squeezing yourself into an airplane bathroom, worrying that the entire flight is aware of how long you’re taking– you’ll be in a judgement free zone where bathroom breaks are mandated to be the same amount of time for everyone because you’re all equals under your Leader. Joy to the world!
Fake Your Own Death
Sure you’ll have to assume a new identity, but at least you’ll skip walking past first class filled with shame, jamming into those tiny airplane seats, and then watching some third rate romantic comedy with provided headphones that cannot be clean. Sometimes the best gifts are the ones we give ourselves.