1 cup softened butter
2 cups white sugar
2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
2 juiced lemons
1-5 LSD’s (ingest an hour before baking so it starts working when you do)
COOK TIME: Anywhere from 60 mins to 28 hrs. Depends if you fall into the abyss before they’re ready.
EQUIPMENT: A big ass bowl, something to stir with (spoon, spatula, whatever you got), a 9x13 pan, beautiful bluetooth stereo, your gorgeous phone, the oven, water for your throat, dope blacklight, NO KNIVES, 4 timers.
TO MAKE THE CRUST
1. Look around your kitchen. If it’s starting to feel like we manifest our own reality you’re ready to start baking.
2. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Double check you didn’t accidentally adjust the clock to 3:50pm instead cuz that oven won’t heat up no matter what time you say it is.
3. Look at your hands as you grab that big ass bowl. Hands are cool. All five fingers working together in harmony without even thinking about it. What a gift. Damn, hands. You’re tight.
4. Fill the bowl with your softened butter, 2 cups of flour that looks like it’s breathing, and ½ cup of sugar AKA what my Grandma calls ‘sweet diamonds’.
WARNING: DO NOT look at the sugar’s crystalline structure. Once you begin staring at the universe’s math you’re done. That’s too heavy for the mind to pull away from, and you’ll get stuck on Step 4 all day.
5.Grab that beautiful blue tooth stereo. Grab your gorgeous phone. Find your jams on Spotify. Trust shuffle. (One time I was tripping at a rave, and danced so hard I forgave my dad.)
6. Have a sip of water.
7. Pour the mixture into the 9x13 pan. Slap that pan into the oven for 15-20 minutes. Set the four timers at 5 minute intervals so you remember your baking at all.
* The crust is done when it glows like gold. Gold’s such a pretty color. Imagine if dogs saw color. They wouldn’t be able to handle it. They can’t see color because if they did they’d be so overjoyed they’d explode. That’s why God won’t let them.
TO MAKE THE FILLING
8. Plop the remaining 1 ½ cups of ‘sweet diamonds’, ¼ cup of breathing flour, and lemon juice into the bowl.
Taste the lemon juice. Holy fuck, intense right?! Flavors should taste wild right now. You’re so close to peaking you better hurry up and finish this, or strap in.
9. Crack 4 eggs into the bowl, and let it remind you of your mother. Call her. Tell her you miss her. You’re tripping your balls off so honesty’s in your veins. You’ll both probably cry. It’ll be beautiful.
10. Turn the music up. Turn that black light on.
11. Pour the contents of the bowl onto the crust ignoring that the smooth silky ribbons of mixture look like the faces of screaming ghouls. Those ghouls are a physical representation of your consciousness fighting to regain control over your mind and losing!
12. Slap the pan back in the oven for 20 minutes. RESET THE FOUR TIMERS. Relax your jaw. You don’t need to clench it so hard. Life isn’t real. That’s why you can smell colors.
13. Clean up everything while it bakes. Your future self will thank you.
14. When the timers go off take the lemon bars out, and let them chill for 20 minutes while you question every choice you’ve ever made ultimately accepting who you are, and that you’re doing the best you can.
15. Fuck cutting them into squares before eating them. Grab a fork, and eat straight from the pan. Eat ‘em like a salad while you dance, and watch your house bleed.
16. Drink some more water.