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September 05, 2017
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A breakdown of a climactic scene of the "American Horror Story: Cult" season premiere.

Viewers of the “democratic persuasion” braced themselves for the rumored election-themed premiere of American Horror Story: Cult. Unfortunately, their delicate psyches were inundated with even more terrifying topics - particularly in the episode’s nightmarish Grocery Store scene. Here are 6 things that melted some snowflakes.

1. Unconventional Meats

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Nose-to-tail framing.

Either a cleaver reference (see what I did there?) to Ivy (Alison Pill), who is a gourmet chef on this show, or an excuse to creep vegans out with pig snouts. What else will creep vegans (and most liberals) out?

2. Conventional Dairy

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“I see growth hormone.”

Milk is frightening enough; non-organic milk is literally Satan jizz. (For the record, I reserve all rights to the previous sentence, which shall henceforth serve as the logline to my American Horror Story spec script.) But you’ve gotta give Ryan Murphy credit, perpetual fear can get a little stale. To keep things terrifyingly entertaining, best to pepper in something infuriating. Hence:

3. Food Waste

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Whole Foods 365: Sale Alert! Buy 5 slightly-fucked watermelons in September, get one free!

“According to official government studies, Americans waste a 25-40% of our food supply is what millions of liberal viewers were thinking when watching a perfectly good watermelon being crushed to bits around the feet of two copulating clowns. Speaking of which:

4. Unprotected (Clown) Sex

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Reinventing skull-fucking.

What’s scarier: menacing clowns or gonorrhea? Menacing clowns you say?! Well how about BRAIN gonorrhea? That’s what I thought. Donate to Planned Parenthood when you get the chance. It will make you feel pretty good about yourself, unlike simply drinking your anxiety away.

5. Rosé NOT Helping?!

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No way, rosé.

While it may be a refreshing warm-weather libation, rosé is not a panacea, it’s useless against murder cult clowns, unfortch. And with every kind of alcohol bottle at her disposal, it’s interesting that Ally (Sarah Paulson) chose rosé, TWICE. Thankfully she gave up and made a run for it, or tried, leading to:

6. The Destruction Of A Perfectly Good Prius

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Drive it directly into a landfill, why don’t you?

With the EPA under threat, global weirding and melting permafrost, the best thing you can personally do for the environment is not totaling your car - regardless of grotesque sex'n'knife clowns.

That’s it for this episode! See you next week, when our theme will be “things with holes that scare Sarah Paulson’s character, the wines she’ll use to battle her fears, and how that all ties into DACA.”

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