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March 09, 2015

Rick is on his way to steal your girl. Eight of the most ridiculous things from last night's The Walking Dead: S05E13 Forget

1) Super Smart Use Of Ammo

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Look, we’ve all been there. You’re sleeping on the floor of some weird family’s house and the pictures of happy white people on the wall won’t stop staring at you. Story of my middle school! But it doesn’t mean you should take the pictures out to the woods and waste perfectly good bullets on them.

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“This is the best possible use of my time and resources.”

I don’t know if the characters realize this, but bullet manufacturing is a thing of the past. Conserve ammo, you guys. You might need it for threats that aren’t pictures of dead people, aka the lowest priority threat to your existence right now.

2) Blood On The Screen

Was that entirely necessary? The answer may surprise you! The answer is no. Definitely not necessary. Kind of stupid, actually. If you saw that and said it was cool, you’re probably 10 years old. Which is fine! Be 10 years old! Did you learn about long division at school today? Jeez, I bet it was tough. But yeah, super dumb. Please don’t do that anymore. People who live in poorly constructed houses should not throw blood at fourth walls.

3) Drunk Rick: Master Conversationalist

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“Do you want to go to Taco Bell? I’ll drive.”

Wow, drunk Rick is awesome! “Listen up, little man. I happen to be friends with the lady who invented cookies. She’s, uh, she’s … we go way back. I might be able to investigate into the possibilities *hiccup* of her inventing some new cookies just for you. Free hand stamp?! Don’t mind if I do!”

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BUT WHAT DOES THE “A” MEAN? Is it a callback to the “A” car they were trapped in from Terminus? Or the “A” Gareth painted on the church? Does it stand for the applesauce Carol put in the cookies? Relax, nerds. I’m pretty sure it just stands for Alexandria. That, and a not-so-subtle Scarlet Letter reference.

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“Did you do the reading last night?”

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“I went ahead two chapters! Can’t put it down.”

Congrats on reading at a sixth-grade level, Walking Dead writing staff! You sure had me fooled.

4) Zombie Horse? Access Denied

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No black character on this show is safe.

Noooo. Buttons! Anyone but Buttons! So sad. Definitely one of the top two saddest horse deaths on the show so far.

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“I had more screen time than Father Gabriel in this episode.”

But why didn’t they just hang around for a second and see if maybe this thing turns into a zombie horse? I mean, it’s not like they have anything better to do. Just see if Buttons turns a zombie horse!

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“Goodnight, sweet Buttons.”

Or not. Mostly I just enjoy the thought that they probably had to dress a horse trainer up as a zombie to effectively shoot this scene. Like, who could’ve seen that one coming when you decided to pursue a career as a horse trainer? Probably not that dude dressed up like Walker #3 gently pulling his four-legged best friend to the ground.

5) Spaghetti Brings Us All Together

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Daryl, your homophobic brother would be rolling over in his grave right now if he knew you were having such a lovely dinner with two nice gay people. Then again, Hershel would probably be rolling over in his grave the other way if he knew Spaghetti Tuesday was now a thing that’s actually happening.

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If you’re offended by gay people on a TV show, build a time machine and go back to 1955.

I love how 10 SECONDS after this meal, Daryl is finally like, “These guys are OK. We don’t need to hide guns from them. I love it here. Today is the first shower of the rest of my life.” Must’ve been some serious spaghetti! Let’s send that spaghetti to the Middle East and see if we can sort that situation out.

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“I just assumed you know how to build a motorcycle because you’re a dirty redneck.”

Hey, remember on Home Improvement when Tim had a hot rod he was building in the garage for EIGHT SEASONS?


Best picture I could find.

Home Improvement was a fun show. They should do stuff from Home Improvement more often.

6) This Party Sucks

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Blue solo cups survived. There’s still hope for humanity.

Wait, so you’re telling me even in the zombie apocalypse we still have to put on nice shirts and endure mindless party chit-chat? Just kill me now! Go find that pasta maker everybody won’t shut up about and bludgeon me to death with it. I don’t want to live in this world. I was waiting for someone to tell the kids it’s time to leave, then pull out a gallon of lube and a few bottles of Fireball. “The nightly orgy is about to commence! Please remove all rings and watches!” Now that would’ve been an interesting party.

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“Do you think I have the coolest mustache here? And be honest. Like, brutally honest.”

Everyone has that really big friend who loves telling you how they need to drink a lot because of their size. Uh, we get it. You need to drink a lot to get drunk! It doesn’t change the fact that you are SUPER DRUNK right now. Maybe don’t drink so much. You might have a serious alcohol problem.

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“What do you mean we’re out of cookies?”

Sasha is the only one who has the right idea. Freaking out after listening to everyone’s bullshit. That’s basically me at every party I go to. Glad to know social anxiety is alive and well in the zombie apocalypse! Just breathe, Sasha. They’ll stop talking about the pasta maker soon enough.

7) The Cookie Monster

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Carol. Carolllllll. CAROL! You’re freaking us out, Carol! You could’ve told that kid anything. Kids are dumb. You could’ve just been like, “Ahhh! I forgot my necklace in here! I came back for my necklace, it’s super special to me. My husband gave it to me. You wouldn’t understand. You’re just a dumb kid.” And the kid would’ve been like, “Yep. Totally. Cookies?”

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“So are the cookies still on the table? Getting mixed messages here.”

But instead she had to scare the dick right off this poor child. He just wanted some cookies, Carol! How many kids are you going to murder on this show, Carol? All of them? Carol is a one-woman abortion clinic that only goes to work after the 120th trimester. Also, dumb move taking that extra bar of chocolate!

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“I’m a nervous eater and I’m nervous all the time these days.”

They may not be counting guns, but that lady is DEFINITELY counting chocolate bars. You don’t get to be that big this far into the zombie apocalypse without a little effort.

8) Officer Steal Your Girl

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Credit where it’s due: Bold move going in for the kiss in front of her husband while she’s holding your illegitimate child that’s probably from the friend you killed. Points for creativity and generally not giving a fuck.

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“You have some salsa on your cheek. Let me get that.”

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“I think I need to change my underpants.”

But did you really just go for your secret gun to shoot that guy in the back? Go jerk off, Rick! Jerk off twice. Jerk off till you don’t want to murder this stranger anymore.

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“Better use my small gun. More discrete.”

Hey, Rick. Do you remember a guy named Shane? You killed him because he was acting A LOT LIKE YOU right now. Stop acting like Shane, Rick! Now go take care of his kid — Judith isn’t going to raise herself.