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November 20, 2017

Eugene is certainly in a pickle. Get it? Because he's holding pickles! 20 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S08E05 "The Big Scary U"

1) Father Gabriel Classic

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Ahhh, the refreshing flavor of Father Gabriel Classic. I remember this guy! He sucks. A lot. Not dissimilar to these very weird time jumps they keep making that don’t really do anything for the story except piss me off. Well, I’m sure when this pointless scene is over we’ll finally get back to that scene we’ve been sitting through over 130 minutes of television for!

2) We Finally Learned About Gregory’s Pancakes

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Nope! Instead we’re getting back to back shitty time jumps. They got all none of our letters demanding it! But at least we FINALLY learn what was up with Gregory and those pancakes. Yes, he ate them but only because Simon told him to fill his belly up with his love. And I honestly don’t know if that’s the worst way to tell another man to eat your pancakes or the best way and the mystery of this question will haunt me for the rest of my days.

3) Of Course Negan Likes Killing

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Not sure how Gregory missed the memo and thinks Negan doesn’t like to kill people. Negan kills people all the time and he’s literally sitting there cradling his murder bat covered in the brains of his enemies. It’s not exactly the toughest case to crack.

4) Gregory Needs To Update His Twitter Bio

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Gregory’s Twitter bio has said he’s “the guy” for sometime, but he is so NOT the guy. He’s …. what’s the word I’m looking for? A thin dicked politician trying to thread the needle with his thin, thin, really thin, like you can’t even see it without a magnifying glass thin, dick? OK, technically that’s a bunch of words but it definitely describes Gregory.

5) Negan’s Bat Marks

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Seeing all those bat marks on the table instantly made me wonder just how many more things he’s banging his bat about during meetings. “People are a resource! And I’m getting real sick and tired of whoever keeps taking my lunch out of the fridge. It clearly says Big Dicked Mother Fuck Suck right on the bag!” Also they should hire the season eight effects unit that put bat holes in the table to put some bullet holes in the cars.

6) This Is The Third Time Jump Before The Credits

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Guys. Please cut this crap out. It’s very bad and lazy, and I should know what that’s all about because it’s kind of my wheelhouse. This is the third time jump before the opening credits. It’s also the third time Negan has said “dick” before the opening credits. And they’re using all of this mess to distract us from the fact that there’s really no reason Father Gabriel didn’t shoot Negan in the face. And just when you really start to think about it, they hit you with this weird dissolve so your brain has something else to be mad at. They’re using the method of distraction initially pioneered by R. Kelly where you throw up an endless barrage of things that should cause outrage and, as a result, people get fatigued and don’t know what to be mad at. So they’re not mad at anything. It’s kind of a genius strategy like shitting in your pants to cover up a fart on a road trip.

7) Everything Happens For A Reason

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OK, that is now the fourth time Negan has mentioned dicks before the opening credits. Father Gabriel is right about this one! Everything happens for a reason. And that’s true whether you’re falling in love or finding yourself trapped in a hopeless situation for the rest of your short life forcing a creepy smile waiting to hear someone confess their many wrongs and shortcomings. Wait, I think I just accidentally used falling in love as an example twice.

8) Short Haired Psycho Lady

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Alright, you bastard! Tell us what we want to know or we will…

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Uh, shit. Not sure there’s a whole lot more they can really do to mess up this guy’s afternoon. It would appear his afternoon is certifiably boned. I love that as soon as they hear “short haired psycho lady” they know Carol is fine. Because who else could that be besides Carol? Also, did anyone else thing this dying guy was really saying A LOT for a dying dude? He even signed off the conversation. And Rick graciously rewards him for tattling with the friendly gesture of angrily stabbing him in the brain.

9) Negan Weinstein

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Telling a priest you jerked off where he’s sitting is some absolutely abhorrent behavior and, based on the timeline of the show, Negan could get an executive level job at a movie studio for a solid four years before people realized that stuff is actually not OK.

10) “Face Reality”

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Simon telling Dwight to face reality is wasted breath. Have you seen this guy’s face? It’s all reality all the time. Simon’s the one who looks and talks like a damn video game character.

11) Eugene’s Pickle Pun

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Knock knock! Who’s there? A grown ass man cradling a bunch of primo cucs. Uh, no shit that pun was intended. You are holding pickles while saying the word pickles. Just hitting the man over the head with the pickles would’ve been more subtle.

12) Boys Noise

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Maybe stop talking and whistling and the zombies won’t be karate chopping through the walls to get in. But I can’t really blame them for trying to gain access to this plethora of conversation about dicks and jacking off, two of the only things worth talking about as far as I’m concerned.

13) The Real House Wife Of Origin County

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Father Gabriel made a bold dice roll mentioning Negan’s wives to get under his skin. Wait a minute, every one of those ladies made a choice? OK, Negan really does have Hollywood creep written all over him. And we learn a little bit about Negan’s origin! He was a teacher, cool, I’m sure his students really appreciated him constantly talking about wangs. I know I would’ve found that hilarious. And he had a real wife before these sham wives. Slow down, please! We’ve known about Negan for 30 episodes and now we know two things about him. It’s honestly too much too fast.

14) Daryl vs. Rick

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I can’t figure out why Daryl isn’t taking Rick’s message about nonviolence seriously when Rick is covered in another man’s face blood. The whole Rick vs. Daryl storyline they’ve been masterfully building towards for two whole episode is lame. I’m just not buying it without some kind of dramatic drum roll.

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* Dramatic Drum Roll Intensifies *

Hm, OK. I take it all back, I’m on board now.

15) Rick’s Dynamite Plan

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I’m as shocked as the next guy that Rick tossing a bag of dynamite into a car wreck leaking gasoline ended badly. That’s what I like about this show! It keeps me guessing. And there’s no way I could’ve guessed this is where we’d be at when I watched the first episode in 2010. Honestly, I feel like I’m in an abusive long term relationship with someone who has changed significantly, and no longer considers my needs, but I don’t know how to get out of it because I’m waiting for Carl to die.

16) Father Gabriel Finally Got Punched In The Face

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This was great. I loved watching Father Gabriel getting punched in the face. Could’ve gone for it in season five, but I’ll take it in season eight! It’s like chocolate chip cookies, some is better than none and there’s really no bad time for it to happen.

17) Did Negan Have To Ruin His Cool Leather Jacket?

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I’m glad they’re doing the thing where they cover themselves in zombie guts, because characters on this show honestly don’t do it enough when they’re presented with tough situations. But did Negan really have to ruin his cool leather jacket? How many of those things could possibly be left on the planet?! Pretty sure he could’ve just stashed it and come back for it later. But I guess you don’t abandon your brand in the zombie apocalypse. Father Gabriel makes a face that says, “I guess I’ll do this if I have to, but please don’t get it in my eyes.”

18) Neganem

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It’s been years since Neganem dropped a new album and he did not disappoint with this one. He really brought it! The critics say it’s his best release to date, because he’ll smash their fucking heads in if they say anything else.

19) Red Handed

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I know the pun about the pickles was intended, but can any of the writers please let me know if Eugene worried about being mistakenly caught “red handed” was also intended? Because I’m trying to decide whether or not I should kill myself over this. Just kidding, suicide is never funny. Also just kidding about that, suicide is a great punchline.

20) Eugene’s Pillow Talk

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Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s a traitor with a pillow who wants you to feel sorry for him. I should probably work on these knock knock jokes, they’re terrible. Definitely not as strong as my suicide material.

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Wow. Father Gabriel is NOT looking so hot. I thought being from Georgia automatically makes you invincible, but once again I stand corrected. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Eugene figure a way out of this sticky situation? He better or Negan is going to make him sit out dodge ball class then put him out of the misery of being on this show. Will Father Gabriel get the medical treatment he needs? Yes, but he doesn’t have health insurance and the bills are going to make him wish he died. What was the deal with that helicopter? It’s full of callbacks they’re airlifting in from season one. They’re going to drop them on our stupid faces because that’s how you make good TV or whatever. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S08E06 of The Walking Dead.