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November 22, 2017
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Do People Keep Dying Because Coffins Are Too Comfortable? We Explore.

How many times have you been to a wake or funeral and said to yourself, “Wow, that coffin looks really comfortable, I wish I was in that thing!”. A lot, right?

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Lusting for comfort within a coffin

Well, researchers at Cape Cod Community College have been studying this hypothesis for almost two semesters and have run into some stunning findings.

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Findings

Bert Huffman, a 1st year Liberal Arts (General Studies) major alerted us to what he calls, “a paper I had to write for humanities”. In his research he states that he thinks “Beowulf is a good book because it teaches us that Beowolfs are great at protecting mead halls.” We asked him to clarify what that has to do with Coffins being extremely comfortable looking and he replied with “oh I’m actually not in that class. You should check the science wing.”

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Beowulf

So we did… turns out there was never a real “experiment” here at CCCC but we did meet Doug Craig, a 2nd year Microsoft Excel Certificate of Completion student who mentioned he agrees with this journalist and it is highly plausible that all the recent “deaths” we are seeing are due to people seeing a corpse and being like, “Jesus, man that looks like the most comfortable thing I’ve ever seen,” and then dying.

Note: as our crew was leaving campus Doug Craig (the 2nd year Microsoft Excel Certificate of Completion student reported on earlier) chased us down with one last piece of information previously undisclosed. Doug tells us that he knows the secret to becoming wealthy by only working from home 10 hours a week. Doug has offered me and my crew an exclusive opportunity to join his downline and we are going to take it.

By @karate_horse

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