Make no bones about it, you need to read this week’s tweets.
skeletor is awfully jacked for a guy whose identity is largely based around being a skeleton— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) May 31, 2017
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THE PHYSICS OF CASPER pic.twitter.com/k4KxjgMvPI— Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 27, 2017
[country music plays in elevator]— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) May 29, 2017
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn't Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don't give a shit who this is
I cut my bangs too short and now you can see the twin I absorbed in utero.— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) May 27, 2017
a geologist angrily walking out of the theater 15 minutes into the premier of rocky— horny rae jepsen (@themiltron) May 29, 2017
Him: I love nerd girls— Angie B (@Angibangie) December 12, 2016
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can't feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I cradle his face softly in my hands, look deep in his eyes, & whisper the 3 words I've waited so long to say:— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 27, 2017
Fuck. Your. Podcast.
Dating is a mind fuck because it's basically an interview to see if someone you don't know will be your best friend and also inside of you.— Dana Moon (@DanaMoonme) May 26, 2017
Narrator: The sun rose high over the mountain.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 30, 2017
Unreliable Narrator: Hey, I won't be able to take the kids this weekend. Something's come up
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) June 1, 2017
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) May 30, 2017
ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.— RoxanneShmoxanne (@IvoryGazelle) May 24, 2017
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
the most perverted thing to ever happen in this godforsaken universe would be for mickey mouse to go on ONE SINGLE DATE with daisy duck— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) May 30, 2017
Wanna feel old? This is Hanson now. pic.twitter.com/EwHrrGbq5E— Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) May 29, 2017
Every day I wake up and remember that Avatar, a huge international blockbuster, used Papyrus font for their logo and no one stopped them.— julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) May 23, 2017
BREAKING NEWS: Trump shutting down Netflix to help bring back Blockbuster jobs.— Andy Young (@AndyYoungFilm) June 1, 2017
spiders: too many legs. suspicious.— Dee (@figgled) May 31, 2017
worms: not enough legs. lazy
birds: don't need legs. arrogant
Behind every great uncle is a model train set in front of a Bo Derek poster.— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) May 12, 2017
Top 10 Things I Say to My Kids:— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 30, 2017
• Then what
• That's crazy
• I AM listening!
• Then what
Yes, finally a swimsuit that allows me to sneak a ham poolside. pic.twitter.com/LHN2RP1UNx— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) May 29, 2017
Heaven forbid any of you be sucked out of a plane, but if that is the hand you are dealt there is no cooler time to rip an air guitar solo.— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 30, 2017
The song Hotel California never actually fades all the way out and is always playing very quietly on every radio— smartest persen (@hippieswordfish) May 23, 2017
If E.T. was made today he would be all like "E.T. text home" but his fingers are so big there would be autocorrect fails like crazy— Jason Horton (@Jason_Horton) May 31, 2017
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) June 1, 2017
Called the liquid that first comes out of a ketchup bottle "pre-cum," and now this family barbecue is super awkward.— Sarah (@thetigersez) May 29, 2017
At least some of the people you've seen headbanging at concerts were actually giving a blowjob to a ghost.— Chris Downing (@chrisdowning) June 1, 2017
[me, riding lawnmower]— your new dad (@G_Faylor) May 24, 2017
ah, this is the life
[neighbor, pushing lawnmower] please get off