This week’s tweets know that with great power comes great responsibility.
I like to think that every time a new guy gets cast as Spiderman, there is a sad little spider with a dream dragging his headshot home again— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) June 14, 2017
[introducing coworkers as they walk into work like they're a starting lineup] shes 5'2 only owns 3 outfits and still owes me SIX DOLLAAAAARS— brent (@murrman5) June 12, 2017
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that's here...— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) May 5, 2017
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[At the beach]— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 11, 2017
Me: *Picks up conch shell and holds it to my ear*
Conch: For fucks sake put me down you're literally at the ocean.
Husband: I want a divorce— Marf (@MarfSalvador) June 12, 2017
Wife: What?! Where did that come from?
Husband: *Behind couch* Over here!
Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Whoreface— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) June 9, 2017
"That Don't Oppress Me Much" by Sharia Twain— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 10, 2017
Larry Bird: hi i'm Larry Bird— Phteven (@PhuckinCody) June 8, 2017
Mocking Bird: hi i'm Larry Bird
I saw two rabbits today, or possibly the same rabbit twice— Shawn (@online_shawn) May 31, 2017
[hospital]— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) June 12, 2017
DOCTOR: *examining my 10 broken fingers* How exactly did this happen?
ME: I tried to air quote my finger guns
any burrito can be a breakfast burrito if you just woke up— batkaren (@batkaren) June 11, 2017
Elmo is straight up owning kids while potty training pic.twitter.com/QGQGAWovFA— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 10, 2017
Cute little sock puppets with googly eyes make anything better. Except for breakups apparently.— Llama in a Tux (@LlamaInaTux) June 10, 2017
The inventor of the gif has died. He was only The inventor of the gif has died. He was only The inventor of the gif has— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) June 9, 2017
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?— rob elliott (@rockymomax) June 4, 2017
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
After years of warnings, the world is plunged into a freezing hellscape as Sheryl Crow finally manages to soak up the sun— Abam Droud (@AdamBroud) June 11, 2017
Goal: meet Cameron Diaz, tell her I love her movies but when elaborating, exclusively describe Jeffrey Tambor's role in Arrested Development— Anonymous&Employable (@NEthingButWork) June 14, 2017
I am a grown ass man, if I have something important to tell you I will etch it on the blank side of a candy heart and leave it in your car.— Paul, Music, & Quips (@OffTheLP) June 14, 2017
[board meeting]— Stevem (@stevemarriott) June 6, 2017
Me: and if you look at these bar graphs, you'll notice that I'm getting much better at colouring inside the lines
8:00 AM: Too tired to think— SmokeFan (@TonyFan1420) May 24, 2017
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
You show me a clown posse that's not insane— Obi (@ThaJawn) February 24, 2017
"Thank you for calling. For diggity press 1. For no diggity press 2. You have pressed 2 for no diggity. Please hold while we bag it up."— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 12, 2017
The only thing keeping me from my successful ninja career is my unfortunate tendency to yell out each ninja move before I do it.— She'sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 22, 2017
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she's the universe, then u think "wait a minute, who's driving"— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 19, 2017
Me: my super power would be knowing all the languages. How cool to be able to speak to anyone in the world— Angie B (@Angibangie) June 4, 2017
Also me: please don't talk to me
producer [at a stuntman's funeral]: he died for our scenes.— burt (@iamburtjarvis) June 14, 2017
imagine killing bowser and then going back to running a small plumbing business with your stupid brother— horny rae jepsen (@themiltron) June 14, 2017