Fox News’s plan to limit the Republican primary debates to the top ten candidates in national polls has been met with complaints from several smaller campaigns. Here is a voter’s guide to just a few of the candidates likely to be affected by the new rule.
- Age: 61
- Occupation: Deer Jerky Chef
- Marital Status: Bachelor
- Number of Children: 0
- Education: Hills
- Military experience: Chattanooga County Militia (Unofficial)
A father to no one as far as he knows, and an uncle to 15 “total pussies”, Tennessee native Bob Gillywater’s presidential aspirations began when he realized it was only a felony conviction that would’ve disqualified him. Gillywater’s platform calls for a return to a time when “men were men, no questions asked” and “women were the ones not asking the questions, or else they’d get a good smack.” As president, he would “own the most guns”.
Pamela “Cookie” McMuff
- Age: 35
- Occupation: CEO of the McMuff Household
- Marital Status: Married to Mr. McMuff
- Number of Children: 9 living children, 132 unfertilized eggs passed through menstruation and assuredly in heaven
- Education: Liberty Christian Bible Compound School for Breedable Women
- Military experience: Liberty Christian Bible Compound School for Breedable Women
McMuff decided to run for the Republican nomination to prove that it isn’t just a party for men, it’s also a party for the exceptionally hot women who agree with those men. McMuff was disappointed she wouldn’t be able to regurgitate her party’s talking points in a more feminine voice during the debate. However, she thinks she’d probably rather be at home, she just doesn’t realize it yet because new-wave feminism filled her head with dangerous ideas.
Toddwilliam Bartholemew Vanderhoot, XVII
- Age: 37
- Occupation: CEO of Vanderhoot Enterprises
- Marital Status: Married
- Number of Children: 2, one boy, one girl
- Education: Deerfield Academy, Harvard Business School, Yale Graduate Studies in Corporate Communications
- Military experience: Saw “Fury” in the theater.
Vanderhoot is a self-made CEO who just happens to be from one of the wealthiest families on the planet. He was inspired to seek the nomination when he realized he was the best qualified candidate to stem the tide of government handouts. “We’ve become a nation of people who expect to be paid for no work at all,” said Vanderhoot from the deck of his father’s yacht Tears of a Migrant Worker on a Tuesday morning at 10:30am (not a holiday.) “I got to where I am through the hard work of getting to be, and remaining, the son of one of the most powerful CEOs on the planet,” he declared, “The world would be a better place if more people followed my example.”
- Age: 68
- Occupation: Political Analyst, Retired U.S. Congressman
- Marital Status: Married
- Number of Children: 1
- Education: Cleveland State University, Case Western Reserve University
- Military experience: Once broke a tooth on a sandwich.
The former U.S. Representative from Ohio has already run for the Democratic nomination twice. He figured seeking the Republican nomination was a “long shot” but “frankly, couldn’t hurt.”
A Racist Pile of Leaves
- Age: 35
- Occupation: A pile of leaves
- Marital Status: Single
- Number of Children: Several thousand depending on the wind
- Education: University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill
- Military experience: None.
This super racist pile of leaves was one of the strongest voices attempting to shout down the DREAM Act. It has made clear that, as president, it would work to keep government out of hiring practices and college admission guidelines, saying “The best WHITE MAN for the job, should get the job, end of story.” Of all the candidates left off the roster, A Racist Pile of Leaves is actually polling the closest to Chris Christie, and may actually unseat him from the lineup. Meaning it’s likely we haven’t heard the last of this racist pile of leaves.