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July 11, 2017
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Yell at it about how statistically unlikely this is to be happening

It’s beach season and with that comes your irrational fear of sharks. As with any fear, it’s good to go in with a gameplan. Make sure you keep these tips in mind if you’re scared to step into the water.


Hide all of your blood

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Yell at it about how statistically unlikely this is to be happening

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Toss it a Snickers and wait for it to turn back into Michael Phelps

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Have you tried turning the shark off and then turning it back on again?

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Punch its nose, eye, and Frequent Biters Card, one more attack and it
gets a free surfer

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Show it the last scene from ‘Jaws’

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Scream “Finish the job!” like a crazy person

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Just give him your wallet, for fuck’s sake

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Change your perspective- it’s not a “shark attack” but an “opportunity
to be dead”

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Give a withering eye roll and say “So much for the tolerant shark.”

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Chuckle at the idea of a title card announcing the end of your life
with a simple “Fin.”

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Tell him you want him to give you $100,000 for 10% equity in your company

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