1) Have A Nice Trip, Ofelia! See You Next Fall!
Hey, remember last week when I ONE THOUSAND PERCENT called Ofelia would fall off the truck? Well, she fell off the truck. A lot of people hate to say, “I told you so,” but not me. Not this guy. Fucking love it, I could eat that shit for breakfast every day of the week. Is this the best recap of a zombie spinoff show on the internet? Hard to say, but it’s gotta be top five for sure. I have to give Ofelia credit because she really took that truck tumble like a champ! Bounced right up and everything, it’s almost like she’s got some kind of “just got bit by a zombie” super strength!
Yep. That explains it! Except it doesn’t at all. It makes no fucking sense.
2) These Brother And Sister Talks Are Getting Sadder Each Episode
Alicia, I don’t blame you for wanting to put some distance between you and your family members. These convos keep getting sadder. Last time you were smoking cigarettes looking at the sunset like a couple of divorced dads. Now you’re eating dog food in the dark. Also, Nick, DO NOT FALL for Alicia’s trickery. If a woman says, “I forgive you.You don’t owe me or mom,” HOLY SHIT she does NOT forgive you and you owe her and her mother unimaginable things.
3) Madison’s Argument That We’re All Out Of Guns Doesn’t Make A Ton Of Sense Considering She Just Gave All The Guns Away
Not the best argument considering the entire reason we no longer have guns is because you just gave our last remaining guns to that gatekeeper lady who still enjoys being a bitch a little too much.
4) Nick And Troy Sitting In A Car
Nick and Troy hit the road after trying to convince Alicia to go with hem for five seconds and sparks are flying! Young love is a beautiful thing. One minute you’re trying to kill each other and the next you’re laughing in a car talking about how one of you loves the other one! Troy is going to be such a good dad to Nick when he finally starts banging his mom.
5) Why Are They Pumping Valuable Resources Down This Dying Woman’s Throat
I’m not sure these precious fluids are going to do this lady any good. Strand’s right. She DOES NOT deserve this and DEFINITELY DESERVES peace. If only there was some way to get her that peace! If only there was some way at all to put her out of her misery! Huh. Better pour some more apple juice down her throat while we brainstorm options.
6) Taqa Seems Really Upset About Losing His Friends And Bones
Wow. Taqa. What a geyser of emotion. He seems really upset about losing every single person he’s ever known and loved and also their bones, pretty sure I saw him blink about it! And that part where Taqa said this would put an end to things even if it gets everyone killed? That’s where you are SPOT ON, Taqa. Madison has plenty of experience in the “plans that will probably get us all killed” department.
7) Alicia’s Zombie Ball Pit Adventure
I really liked Alicia’s slide into the ball pit. It was tactical and fun at the same time! Let’s check it out again.
Siiiick. AHHH! ALICIA! BEHIND YOU!
They REALLY seem to enjoy stuff rustling behind Alicia lately. And just like her brother, Alicia covers herself to hide from more zombies. But unlike her brother, she uses ball pit balls instead of zombie guts. Also, I feel like AMC got a lot of letters from fans asking to put balls all over Alicia’s face and this was their takeaway which feels like they perhaps missed the mark.
8) Cash 4 Zombie Gold
Times are TOUGH these days. But a job is a job, even if that job is pulling teeth out and cutting off rings. It’s like my great grandma used to always say, “Stack your paper and mind your fucking business.”
9) “Troy Is At The Bar Freaked Out By All The Mexicans”
I believe every part of that story.
10) NICK IS OFFICIALLY BACK ON THE SAUCE
Anyone else get some Pookie from New Jack City vibes here? Specifically the scene when Pookie starts smoking crack again?
HAHAHAHA. I love that scene. I don’t think that scene is supposed to make you laugh, but I laugh so goddamn hard every time. Just like the end of Pay It Forward HAHAHAHAH fuuuuck that is good stuff.
11) Nick Is Hammered Eating Mexican Food And Living His Best Life
This looks like a good time. Getting wasted with your bro, slamming tequila but calling it milk for some reason, and asking where you can buy more drugs from a dude who calls himself the butcher. My favorite part is when nick does more drugs right there at the table. If you’ve never done drugs at a table in public, give it a shot! Lots of fun for the whole family, as long as your family is a bunch of fucking degenerates.
12) Ofelia? I Hardly Know Ya!
Things are looking less than fantastic for Ofelia. Her vision looks like she rubbed bacon grease on her contact lenses and Madison has to drag her around, Weekend At Bernie’s style, like her bestie who had one too many mimos at brunch.
Oh, no! Ofelia can’t wake up! But if she DOES wake up DO NOT tell her she was just sleeping. People who just woke up really hate being accused of sleeping. It’s fucking weird. Never understood that. Here comes Daniel! Let’s see what he has to say.
Waving a gun in someone’s face is a good way to get them to tell you the truth or whatever you want to hear. In this case both of those are the same thing. Alright, time to put her out of her misery.
Bye, Ofelia. You’re going to a better place. Probably a movie or network television.
13) Fear And Loathing In Mexican Coachella
Nick and Troy look like they are having a lot of fun at Mexican Coachella. Maybe too much fun? It’s only Friday night, you’ve still got two more nights of fun pace yourselves!
I didn’t go to drug college and I have no fancy degree in trays of assorted narcotics, but weren’t half of the drugs Nick turned down uppers? Last I checked amphetamines don’t make you take naps! Welp, Nick asked for the big boy toys. Time to break out the big boy toys!
I don’t know about you guys, but when some dude I don’t know in a disgusting room hands me free pig glands in a shot glass in the middle of the night I don’t overthink it! I just slam the damn gland. My rule for drugs is: right place, right time, right people. If you’ve got all three, go for it. Two out of three, it’s a maybe. One of out three, pass. Nick has zero out of three and still pulls the trigger, I respect that. It’s just so dumb, you can’t not respect it.
14) How Did They Figure Out This New Economy Of Fingers And Teeth
Who decided this? How long was the meeting? And what, exactly, is the exchange rate? Does three fingers equal a tooth? How many eyelashes can I get for half an ear? I have so many questions about all of this and there aren’t enough episodes left in the season to get to them all.
15) This Looks Like A Bad Time
Two white dudes stumbling around talking about other times they got fucked up is the worst. Hard pass. Hey, Nick, any ideas to liven this party up?
Right. Cover yourself in zombie guts. Hard to believe that hasn’t happened once so far this half season! Better rub zombie guts on your new best friend, Nick! Need to make up for lost time. Also, people like to stay informed. So maybe give your friend a quick heads up before you jog into a crowd of zombies and start whispering bullshit at them as they pass by.
16) Nice Of Nick To Leave Drugs In The Bag Of Drugs
Usually when people go wrist deep into a bag of drugs, that bag is empty soon after. It’s how bags of drugs tend to work. So very kind and courteous of Nick to leave some drugs still in the bag! He’s REALLY growing as a character! Still the same drug addict we met day one, but now he thinks of others. SLOW DOWN, THIS MIGHT BE TOO MUCH CHARACTER GROWTH TOO FAST.
17) Nick’s New Sweater Is My Least Favorite Character
Do they have mirrors at this place, Nick? Apparently not. Why is Nick historically so terrible at picking clothes to cover his torso? He’s as bad at that as he is good at doing drugs. Also, nothing about his speech to his mom is making sense right now. Like if you want to convince your mom you weren’t up all night doing drugs and rubbing blood all over your face with your friend, don’t show up the next day wearing this sweater. But Madison is wearing a leather jacket in 100 degree weather, so clearly this whole family is dumb as shit. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Daniel welcome his new guests to the dam! Everyone gets a very comfy cage to sleep in, it’s the only way he can know what you’re up to at all times. Will Alicia and her new best friend strike it rich? An orphanage for kids with extra hands exploded, they’re going to be millionaires! Will Nick continue his gland fueled fiesta? He won’t stop until he hits rock bottom of clothes you can by. That new shirt is close, but he’s still got a few more outfits to go through before he turns his life around for good. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E15 of Fear The Walking Dead!