1) Rick Grimes: Hostage Negotiator
Rick Grimes is tied up in his underwear and he has these trash people right where he wants them. He’s giving them one last chance! Set him free now and he’ll barely murder everyone. Jadis counters by showing him how goofy he looks snapping photos in the zombie apocalypse. And because there’s almost certainly no film in that broken camera, they’ve got a guy drawing what I can only assume to be a very bad ten second sketch of Rick’s scantily clad dad bod. Wait, did Rick REALLY just ask why they’re taking pictures? Really, dude? She’s going to use them to sculpt you, Rick! Ask a stupid ass question get a stupid ass answer.
2) Eugene’s Stumped
Eugene is certifiably stumped right now. How stumped is he? He’s making a list of what he knows, what he doesn’t know, and what he doesn’t know wholly. And doesn’t know any of it. If this list was the SATs, Eugene’s not even getting the freebie points for accurately filling in your name.
3) Dwight’s Face Time
Dwight makes a compelling argument to get Eugene on his side. “Hi, folks. What a wonderful crowd. Hey, what’s the deal with when your face skin burns? It STINKS. And it doesn’t smell too great, neither. Alright, don’t forget to tip your waitress, that’s my time.” Then he tells Eugene he doesn’t have blood on his hands yet, but will soon. Gee, I wonder if that will pay off later? Eugene is acting like he was born into this and has a “Savior Life” tattoo across his tummy even though he showed up two minutes ago as a prisoner and only stuck around for the pickles. Alright later, Dwight. Eugene’s got a busy day ahead of him of CAO, that’s “creating acronym options”, and BFL’s, better known as “blank fucking lists.”
4) Deez Guts
Father Gabriel is not looking so hot. Because he did the zombie guts thing that nobody ever does and it made him sick. Which is great, because it explains why nobody ever does the zombie guts thing. But it also feels like they only wrote this season 8 storyline because we’ve been asking for 7 seasons, “Hey, so why does nobody ever do the zombie guts thing?”
5) Eugene Needs To Work On His Bedside Manner
Eugene handles this situation with grace by standing over a dying man and talking about why it’s his own fault he’s laying here. Hang tight, Eugene. Doctor Genius has to run to the market to grab some cilantro to rub on Father Gabriel’s failing kidneys. Let’s see if Eugene warms up now that it’s just the two of them?
Nope! He’s doubling down. Now he’s telling a dying priest that God is bullshit? He’s going for the high score of not giving a rat’s ass.
Aaand Eugene has blood on his hands before the commercial break! Not as a metaphor. Actual blood on his actual hands five seconds after Dwight said it. Shiiiiiiiiit, that is lazy writing.
6) Eugene Porter: Boombox Repair Extraordinaire
Oh, no. Eugene is drinking just to get to sleep now? Speaking from personal experience, but if you do that more than 5 or 6 times a week, you’ve got a serious drinking problem that you should probably deal with eventually but, like, definitely not until after the holidays, obviously. And then there’s New Year’s. Get it under control by mid-January maybe? That feels realistic. I like that this person I do not recognize has to take two minutes to remind us about some crap that happened with her character a year ago because nobody remembers what happened with her character a year ago. Shiiiiiiiiiit, that is even lazier writing!
7) Let’s Not Overthink This
Guys, what’s with all the questions? Everything is going perfectly according to plan and will certainly result in victory and Daryl wants to jeopardize all of it to crash a truck into a wall. Plus Morgan is crazy again, let’s not overthink this! When it feels right, it’s right. And when it feels incredibly wrong, like right now, maybe it’s also right? There’s really only one way to know for sure and it’s not by sitting around talking about it. Ugh, now Tara is making us remember that garbage Oceanside episode from last season. Aaaand for that reason, Rosita is out.
8) Bad Hand Job
Negan wants Eugene to know he appreciates just how big and strong his spongy brain is. Which means he’s going to be that much more upset about bashing it in with a bat in 30 hours when they run out of Diet Pepsi.
Yikes. This hand…whatever you want to call it…certainly could’ve gone better. I mean, Negan, that is definitely NOT how you go for a handshake. And Eugene? If my boss goes in for a handshake, and I accidentally try to kiss it, there’s only one professional way to handle that situation. Jump out the fucking window and kill myself.
9) Dramatic Boombox Fixing Intensifies
Welcome to season 8 of The Walking Dead! AMC: We also know drama, and we’re pretty sure it’s watching a sad man fix a boombox then wander around a warehouse with a headlight set to tense music. It’s almost like they’re fucking with the audience! But they’re not. They’re just fucking the audience.
How did nobody grab Sasha’s old iPod from her coffin? It’s a deadly weapon! You could use that heavy shit to bludgeon someone to death.
10) Michonne’s Second Thoughts
Michonne is having second thoughts. It’s as if she suddenly realized she’s in the middle of Rick and Daryl’s insane action movie that’s been unfolding all season, and women who aren’t white don’t have a great shot of living to be around for the credits. Michonne tries in vain to talk a crazy redneck out of crashing a truck into a wall with no real thought of the consequences. Save your breath, Michonne! This was always his redneck destiny.
11) Eugene’s Perfect Plan
Eugene knows that the key to success is believing in yourself. Which is why he says this WILL be successful! But a slightly bigger key to success is not letting a man with a gun sneak up behind you.
Dwight tries to remind Eugene about his friends. Eugene says he doesn’t even know those dudes, reminds Dwight about the time he bit his penis, then goes for it. Because Eugene really is the bravest coward on the block. Dwight shoots his model airplane out of the sky, because the biggest key to success is having a plan that isn’t stupid as hell.
12) The Duke Of Hazard
Daryl coming in hot! Because you know any scheme that involves putting a cinderblock on a gas pedal and jumping out of a moving car has the level of precision that gets quality results.
Wow. There are a lot of zombies coming in! And it looks like, contrary to Daryl’s beliefs, the zombies didn’t get the face chart clearly outlining who is and isn’t a bad guy within these walls. Pretty horrific stuff! Eugene is going to need a whole lot of giggle juice for nighty night nap time after this.
13) Never Go Full Eugene
Eugene makes Father Gabriel’s last moments on Earth as awful as possible by bursting into his room and yelling at his dying ass with every weird word, alliterated phrase, and number combination he can think of. Father Gabriel prays to god for his ears to fall off from infection before Eugene walks in again.
14) Crappy Hour
Eugene has a plan to get the Saviors out of this mess. And he almost spilled the beans about Dwight. And all this pressure is pushing him to drink alone while the sun is still out until he throws up in the sink. Wow. Eugene. You should really get this kind of drinking under control. Soon. But not too soon. Because after New Years you’ve got Valentine’s Day and that can be brutal. Then there’s St. Patrick’s Day in March. But sometime between Coachella in April and Cinco De Mayo in Mayo you need to really get this kind of drinking under control.
15) Garbage Disposal
Rick Grimes wastes no time completely wrecking all these trash people with his stick of justice, then pinning Jadis’ face next to a still munching zombie head. To really hit them where it hurts, Rick talks shit about their dumb games and sculptures. And because the trash people value nothing more than their dumb games and sculptures and finally give in to Rick’s sweaty demands. They agree to play ball, but they’ve got a few demands of their own. When this is all over, Jadis wants to sculpt Rick naked. Because seriously there’s nothing these trash people value more than their dumb games and sculptures. OK, cool! Let’s take the trash people to see what’s going on at the Sanctuary! Think they’ll be very impressed. Hmm, one of the lookouts has been brutally killed? None of the snipers are reporting in? They’re probably all just goofing. Classic goof! Rick decides to go for a quick rifle climb to see just how hard they’re goofing.
Dear god. They ain’t goofin’ none at all. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! What was Eugene’s mysterious plan to get rid of the walkers? He started talking fast and loud over the newly repaired intercom and five seconds later all the zombies got the fuck out of there. Will Father Gabriel survive? Yes, but after hearing Eugene babble over the intercom he’s going to wish he was dead. What major character will Negan kill? It’s the mid-season finale, so they’ll probably cut away as he swings Lucille and make us wait until February to find out. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S08E08 of The Walking Dead.