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December 09, 2015
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Like Jesus Christ can we just do this and get it over with?

Hey guys, does anyone know when the actual presidential primaries actually fucking start? Someone told me I couldn’t vote for Bernie Sanders if I didn’t register by October, and that was months ago. And I haven’t heard anything since. So are we doing this, or what?

Also I keep having to read news stories about Donald Fucking Trump, a person who should probably not be alive. Like I’m not saying Donald Trump should die, but I am saying he’s using at least two functioning kidneys, one liver, and at least part of what is surely a very small human heart that we could probably transplant into some much better and smarter people. I even hear they do hand transplants now. Surely there is an injured war vet who would gladly accept a pair of big orange mitts if it means he gets to touch his wife again (sorry, wife of that man).

People tell me I have to keep reading these news stories because Donald Trump is a “front runner” and I’m like “of what?” and they’re like “the polls” and I’m like “what polls? no one called me” and they’re like “the polls of likely Republican primary voters” and I’m like “wait, so he just has a majority of people who might vote in the Republican primary and who were around to answer a survey supporting him and that’s why we have to keep talking about him?” and they’re like “yep” and I’m like “that’s dumb, that’s nobody, that’s like four fat old dudes named Glenn who drink coffee inside McDonalds, we should just vote already” and they’re like “no you have to wait” and I’m like “til when?” and they’re like “I dunno.”

So, like, when can we just fucking end this madness and vote already so Donald Trump will go away?

Oh, I just googled it. They don’t start until FEBRUARY 1ST. So I feel like we can all just go home and meet back up here on the internet like after MLK Day, cool? Call me if you end up going skiing that weekend. I don’t ski or do any winter sports but I like hanging out in cabins.

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