Now you can have your tweets and read ‘em, too.
(shopping for a wedding cake) no it's spelled s-h-r-e-k. i want that in green frosting— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 7, 2016
You can use unscented dental floss to cut a cake if you are a complete psycho.— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 21, 2015
[JAIL VISITATION]— mo (@chuuew) November 9, 2015
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don't like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle
The next time someone tells me I should "listen to my body," I'm going to tell them it says I need to have more cake & less annoying friends— Sarah (@thetigersez) June 4, 2017
[doctor bursts out of giant cake]— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 2, 2017
"I'm afraid there was nothing we could do. Hopefully the cake thing is of some comfort to you"
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent, but he can't find his glasses to so he has to stick his face in a cake like Mrs Doubtfire.— ROB FEE (@robfee) July 5, 2015
No thanks love at first sight, looking up from eating cake is highly stressful for me.— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 20, 2017
Marie Antoinette: Let them eat cake— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 31, 2015
Peasant: Do you have any without gluten?
MA: [leans over to executioner] You can have that one
What did the cake say to the fork?— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) July 7, 2015
(Linda if youre reading this tweet, I'm so sorry for everything please come home)
You wanna piece of me?!
Him: I have feelings for you.— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) July 3, 2015
Me: I'd rather you have cake for me.
The Cake Wars raged for decades. There were no winners…only despair, carnage, frosting, and horror. Just…fucking…everywhere.— batkaren (@batkaren) October 12, 2016
ME: I remember you loved when that guy put an engagement ring in cake.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) May 4, 2017
ME: *Gets out bike coated in cake* Happy Birthday!
[gang celebrate Franks bday]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 28, 2015
Shagger: great cake! Scoobs eaten most of it already
Velcro: jinkies that's chocolate cake!
Frank: good. Fucker
Coming to TLC this Fall: Cake Ghost. Is it a haunted bakery, or a ghost trying to bake? Fuck you. Fuck you for even asking. Wednesdays @ 8— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 16, 2015
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake— tara shoe (@tarashoe) February 16, 2016
Welcome back to Cooking With Snakes. Today we're going to bake an alluring chocolate cake and, as always, the studio is filled with snakes.— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) June 11, 2017
[Party]— R.E.W. (@therealeatwood) December 16, 2015
GUEST: I brought a fruitcake…
HOST: Thanks! [sees ‘Aliens’ ticket stub stuck to cake] Is this… the same cake I gave you in 1986?
One of these Starbucks cake pops is totally over your shit... pic.twitter.com/gcFVxbwDfm— Jackie Carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) April 10, 2017
Chocolate cake doesn't care if I'm likable.— Lisabug BBQJones (@Lisabug74) June 17, 2017
Truly a miracle of human ingenuity that if you bake a cake in a bread tin you're allowed to eat it for breakfast— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) April 11, 2016
[baby's first birthday party]— denise (@Stellacopter) May 13, 2017
Yeah smash that cake all over your face you piece of shit.
WIFE: *throws out smoldering cake* way to ruin another one of ur birthdays— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) September 26, 2015
DRAGON: ur the one who INSISTED i blow out the candles janice
COP: open the trunk— pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 6, 2017
COP: Open it
*I do and there's a bday cake inside*
ME: u spoiled the surprise, happy birthday
sweet dreams are made of treats— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) June 28, 2017
who has a pie for me to eat
swallow so much i can't see my feet
everybody's looking for some cake
It's tradition to save a piece of your wedding cake so you can eat it when your depressed from your future divorce.— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) October 5, 2015