1) Carl’s Letter Sucks
Ricky G sheds a tear because Carl’s letter about school and pizza and grandma and holding hands and the time a cow looked at him sucks major butt. It might be the worst letter of all time. I love that he signs it “Carl” in case his dad somehow forgot who wrote this terrible letter in the middle of reading it.
2) Juice Responsible For All Wars
Talking about juice is the first time Gregory has ever made sense. I 100% agree with Gregory’s thoughts on juice. But he loses me as soon as he starts talking about all his many accomplishments. Of which he actually has none, other than being the only person on this show I’ve ever wanted dead more than Carl.
3) If An Aaron Falls In The Woods…
Aaron’s strategy to starve to death in the woods until these people like him is dramatic. But it’s also … not effective. Perfect.
4) Eugene’s Garlic Sardine Mac And Cheese
The only thing on the menu is garlic sardine macaroni and cheese? The bullets they’re making won’t be nearly as lethal as the farts that are about to be blasting out of their asses.
5) Father Gee Whiz
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but a blind guy, a priest, and a hostage walk into a bullet factory and they’re all the same person. Eugene scolds Father G for his chicanery, walks outside and BOOM! SOME CHICANERY RIGHT INTO YOUR SAVIOR GRILLS DELIVERED COURTESY OF DARYL AND ROSITA.
6) Negan’s Greetings
Negan ominously whistles hello at Dwight. Then ominously tells him to put his cigarette out. Then ominously does everything super ominously. And this dumb dumb somehow doesn’t get the message.
7) Simon Says Sorry
Something about the way Negan is oiling up his skull-crushing instrument would lead me to believe Simon’s apology is not being well received. Negan tells Simon to get on his knees, words that usually come before you die or catch a dick in your mouth. Sometimes both if it’s a really bad day. But neither of those things happen. Simon kisses ass, saying Negan’s plan to surround the Hilltop has “testicular theft” because all these people do all day long is talk about balls.
8) STFU Eugene
This walking word of a day calendar continues blabbing even AFTER Daryl removes a knife. If you’re talking and someone takes a knife out, that’s a good time to stop talking. Then he starts talking to Rosita and she pulls her gun out and aims it right at his face. If you’re on a walk and everyone else on that walk is pointing weapons at your brain, maybe it’s time to shut the fuck up. Rosita says they’re gonna shove him in a hole and only invite him to brunch when they need to learn some nerdy shit. Like stuff about Bitcoin or Dr. Who references.
9) Simon Says Remember
Simon wants Dwight’s helping taking out Negan and he’s asking him to remember all the “little indignities” Negan did to him over the years. Ya know, those teeny tiny microaggressions . Like that time he ate Dwight’s lunch when the bag in the fridge clearly said “Dwight’s Lunch” right on the bag! Or, perhaps, that time he burned the shit out of your face and banged your wife. Whatever motivates you more.
AHAHAH. Eugene vomiting on Rosita to flee like a coward was one of the funniest things that’s ever been on this or any show. But Rosita can’t act too surprised, Eugene’s been spewing garbage for years. This would be disgusting regardless, but the fact that it was garlic sardine macaroni and cheese vomit sends it right to the gross shit hall of fame.
11) Come On With This
Eugene manages to completely bury himself in ashes in under five seconds with his hands tied together and Daryl Dixon, whose longest running character attribute next to ugly vest ownership is being a tracker extraordinaire, somehow doesn’t notice anything. No. Just no.
12) Aaron’s Not Looking So Good
Aaron is not looking so good. Even the woods zombies are like, “Hey, man. We’re worried about you.” Aaron mud wrestles with the woods zombies, passes out, then wakes up to a circle of women and promptly mansplains their anger to them.
13) The Ol’ Switcheroo
Simon has a discreet meeting about killing the boss, out in the open where anyone can hear him talking at a loud volume.
And look at that! Negan heard it … because he was tipped off by Dwight! Say what you will about Dwight, but the man is consistent. He betrays anyone who trusts him.
14) Simon Says Goodnight
Negan and Simon slap each other around, grunt a bunch, and that is officially all she wrote for Simon. Goodnight, sweet prince. This show really didn’t deserve such a great character that was basically just the guy you were in GTA V.
15) …Gregory? Really??
Dwight trusts Gregory with that map? Really?! You could tie it to a three legged dog in a hurricane and feel more confidence in the plan than handing it over to that sack of crap.
16) The Ol’ Double Switcheroo
Attention shoppers! There’s a two for one sale on switcheroos in the Walking Dead writers room. That mysterious hitch hiker Negan picked up last week shockingly turned out to be the only possible character it could’ve been and now Rick’s walking straight into a trap! Negan was right. People ARE a resource. A resource you can use to murder other people.
17) Can I Ash You A Quick Question?
I’m get that everyone’s jacked up on Euegne’s workplace speech about not tripping, but is NOBODY going to ask why he’s covered in the ashes of dead people? Zero people have questions about that? Cool.
18) Walkie Talkies Are A Resource
Love that Negan has to ask if it’s the Michonne with the dreads and sword as opposed to all the other Michonnes he’s met over the course of this thing. Carl Grimes, master of subtlety, starts his letter to Negan with, “Negan, this is Carl,” and then ONCE AGAIN ends the letter by signing Carl. I thought when Carl died we’d be done with him, but he’s ruining this show from beyond the grave. At least this letter isn’t as bad as the one he wrote Rick. He just wants his two dads not to get a murder divorce. Uh, did Negan really have to destroy that walkie talkie? Because I guess people are a resource, but walkie talkies grow on trees. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Rick walk right into Negan’s trap? No. He’s going to run in with guns blazing and a soaking wet head of hair. What will happen to Dwight? He’s going to be Negan’s right hand man! Negan’s going to cut his right hand off and use it to wipe his ass. Will Oceanside show up at the last second? Yes. They’re going to thank Zombie Simon for killing all their men, because men ain’t shit. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on the S08E16 season finale of The Walking Dead.