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January 11, 2018

Welp! It’s happened. This is exactly what they warned against.

Welp! It’s happened. Exactly what they feared and warned against. But did we listen? No. And now look where we are: everyone wants to fuck this kangaroo!

This “sexy kangaroo,” as The Internet is calling him, was photographed blocking the door to a public restroom in—you guessed it—Australia, and people can’t stop talking about how sexy he is.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it. He’s posed in casual recline. He’s wordlessly inviting you to lay right next to him, spoon with him. Maybe more. His crossed legs are playfully hiding the forbidden fruit that lies between. This is exactly the way a sexy human poses. I see that. But—daggummit!—he’s a kangaroo! Why are people saying he’s sexy?!

Everybody finds different things attractive. I, for example, am a big pit-stain guy. But, kangaroos found sexy by the average person? I didn’t think I’d see THAT in MY lifetime! O, how far society hath doth declineth.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised. We were told this would happen, told it’s a slippery slope. They said, “If we allow same-sex marriage, what’s next? Are we going to let people marry animals?” I, for one, didn’t track with their logic. I thought this was a blatant misunderstanding of the issue. That these people were ignorant or—worse—hateful. I believed strongly that the argument was built on an inherent misunderstanding of the human condition, and that we—the compassionate, but also the CORRECT—would see how wrong they were, because the world would never produce a significant population that wanted to FUCK ANIMALS. Boy, was I wrong.

Apparently, these people I used to call ignorant understood it better than any of us. The foresight!

Hm, I should see if they’ve got any sports scores hidden inside their vast, accurate future-sense. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not a betting man, I just get stressed out watching without knowing who will win. SPOILERS WELCOME, I say!

It’s clear from the reaction to this kangaroo, who is simply lying down that these folks knew what they were talking about.

For those doubters out there, let’s look at some evidence.

First, there are tons of kangaroos who take poses that would be considered sexy if they were humans. See below.




This is some provocative stuff. Worth nothing, the photographer probably isn’t a kangaroo.


This roo’s bed-head would be considered sexy if those ears were HUMAN HAIR.

Now combine that fact with the timeline. Legal gay marriage was passed into law in Australia on January 9th of this year. That’s TWO DAYS AGO. You think it’s coincidence that less than a week later people are all trying to fuck this hot kanga? No chance.

I mean, damn! This slope ain’t just slippery, it’s like somebody rubbed KY on a patch of black ice on a marble sidewalk: it’s frictionless! It might not even BE a slope. It’s vertical. We dove off the cliff of “Love Equality” into the great abyss of Sexual Anarchy.

My co-worker today called me over to his desk. “Hey Matt. Come over to my desk where I would like to show you something on my computer.” (He has a very stiff manner of speaking.) So, anyway, I go over there, and he’s got the picture of the kangaroo up! “Look at this sexy kangaroo, Matt. Look at it.” I was astonished! Not only did he lie to me, but this was the weirdest of all the porn he’s ever called me to his desk to show me!

So, now that being attracted to kangaroos is NORMALIZED, there are probably some other animals or non-humans we’re all thinking about having sex with. I for one have been eyeing my buddy’s dog Bucket. He’s a real cutie. Here we are in the midst of a brief flirtation.


Yeah, that’s right, I’m on board for all this. Oh, was that not clear? Is it crazy that exactly what was foretold is coming to pass? Yes, of course. But, who am I to fight it? They said we’d want to have sex with our dogs and our toaster ovens, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Maybe love isn’t love, but lust is lust.

Okay, I’m gonna go bang my friend’s dog Bucket while I eat out this toaster oven. If they consent, of course.