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June 25, 2017
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There is no weird place to masturbate. There, I said it.

This article is not safe for work. This article is not safe for church. This is article is not safe for driving (Not because of the content, you just shouldn’t be looking at your phone while driving).

There is no weird place to masturbate. There I said it.

Everyone masturbates. It’s not usually considered polite to bring this up in conversation, especially in public, but we all do it. We all masturbate. So, what stops us from masturbating just…wherever? I mean, anywhere. Anywhere and everywhere. Call me crazy, but that’s exactly what I think should start happening.

I know this isn’t a popular opinion. I understand I’m not making any friends with this post. But, like, what if we just did?

Imagine you’re on your lunch break at work. You walk into the designated break area and a co-worker is openly masturbating. Instead of screeching or running away, as most of us would, you sit down next to them and have a conversation about the newest fidget spinner or whatever.

Or, you’re in your car and you see someone masturbating while riding a bicycle, using his/her other hand to steer.

Or, you’re on a trip to New York City and you visit the Statue of Liberty for the first time. And, at the very top of the torch, someone is masturbating. You can see them.

A million other places. All of the places. It doesn’t have to be weird.

I know what you’re thinking; But it IS weird.

But what if we just made it not weird? We can do that can’t we? I mean, we decide what is or isn’t weird

If everyone in the world just agreed that there are no longer any boundaries for when and where it is okay to masturbate then, by definition, it would no longer be weird.

Right now, I want you to say aloud…

There is no weird place to masturbate.

Now open your window and yell it.

There is no weird place to masturbate!

There, we’ve done it. It won’t be as weird now when it starts happening.

Here’s the only problem with my proposal. It’s a small problem. Someone will have to be the first. In order for it to be socially acceptable to masturbate wherever you want to, it has to become a regular occurrence. And that means someone has to go first. And no sane person will agree to do this.

I mean, I’m not going first, are you crazy? I’m really more of an idea guy, less of an action guy. I’m not going first. I love my idea and I fully support it, but under absolutely no circumstances will I go first. You should totally do it. Not me. Not first. When it’s normal, I’ll totally masturbate everywhere just like I said we should. But someone else has to start it.

Only then will we turn my unpopular opinion into a popular opinion.

Neither Funny or Die nor the author of this article are responsible for any legal consequences you may receive while attempting to make this idea catch on.

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