1) Face Time
A lot of important questions are raised in this opening face montage. Rick is squinting, but what is he squinting about?!? Daryl is also squinting. Perhaps he’s squinting about the same thing as Rick? And Ezekiel?
He doth request yee not presently waketh him from his time of naps. The king needs yet five more minute markers! OK, cool. So we’re just going to show everyone’s faces with ominous music? Sure. That counts as a TV show, I guess. Why not.
2) Straight Outta Alexandria
Why do the saviors have year-round Christmas lights up at the compound? Don’t they know how tacky that looks? And an outdoor sound system, as in the kind that attracts zombies, setup by their BBQ? Wait, I finally figured it out! The Saviors are a bunch dumb frat dudes. That makes too much sense. Would love to elaborate on this theory but …
BLAM! DRIVE BY! THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS IN ALEXANDRIA, BITCHES. At least since Rick and his crazy friends showed up.
3) The Morgan Never Dies
Morgan announcing he doesn’t die is extremely concerning. That’s usually a thing someone says right before they die. Nobody says, “I don’t die,” before they eat a salad and get to bed by 10pm. They scream it then snort a pile of blow and rollerblade down a dark hill in the rain.
4) Carol Calculating How Much Longer She Can Listen To Ezekiel’s Bullshit
You can see the wheels turning in Carol’s head trying to figure out exactly how much longer can she listen to Ezekiel’s nonsense. Talking about, “The damned are upon us!” and “Ensure no enemies remain in these environments.” It’s a good thing that tiger can’t actually speak English, because if it understood how dumb this man is there’s no way she’d respect him enough not to eat him.
5) Is Anyone Hitting Anyone With These Bullets?
Is anyone actually hitting anyone with these bullets? Sure does seem like a lot of indiscriminate firing at nothing in a world where ammunition is a precious commodity. Thank heavens our gang rolled up in their bullet proof Ford Tauruses! I know that bulletproof paint job sounds like a scam at the dealership, but you are really happy to have it when you need it!
6) Morgan’s Zombie Staring Contest
Morgan rattles a cage of trapped lost souls, attracting whoever will pay attention to him, then looks into their dead eyes while saying nothing worthwhile. Cool, didn’t realize they have dating apps in the zombie apocalypse.
7) Ol’ Shaky Hands Holding A Gun Next To Morgan’s Head
Alright, who’s the jokester that gave Ol’ Shakey Hands a gun and told him to hold it six inches from Morgan’s brain? Not cool! Give him a job he can handle that isn’t so dangerous, like Chief Deputy Of Maracas or Lieutenant Of Clearing Etch-A-Sketches.
8) Rick’s Home Alone Map
Rick Grimes is using Home Alone map technology to locate the guns in this hideout. And considering the way things are going, this “map” might as well say, “The guns are in this place somewhere? Probably? Idk figure it out. Try not to die.” And it would be equally useful.
9) They Just Stood There And Got Shot
This seems like it could’ve been prevented by NOT just standing there and getting shot when a bunch of bad guys showed up with guns. I know that’s a controversial strategy, but sometimes you need to think outside the box if you don’t want to die.
10) Uh, Shoot This Guy?
Shoot this guy. Shoot him? Shoot him. SHOOT. HIM. Shoot him shoot him shoot him shoot him. There’s a time and a place for not shooting this dude, and shoot him in the face please.
11) Jesus Saves
WOW. BIG SURPRISE. The dude with pee pee pants that they very obviously should’ve shot, but instead decided to have a stop and chat sidebar about ethics and ex-girlfriends, immediately turned on them at the first available opportunity. And he stomped out Maggie’s vitamins?! Not cool! She needs those for the baby she claims to be carrying! Well, now that he’s revealed himself to be a not nice vitamin stomper they will surely shoot him!
OH MY GOD. How many times are we going to see this happen on this show? They let someone live who they should’ve killed and it comes back to bite them in the ass? Because if this happens, like, thirty seven more times, thirty nine max, I am done with this show.
12) Morgan’s BMX Plot Armor
Not only did Morgan not die, he jumped up and took a brisk jog down the hall. I think those bullets were soaked in Red Bull.
13) IF TOBIN DIES, WE GET ON WITH OUR LIVES
Every time they cut to Tobin in this gunfight I get so nervous! What if this is it? The episode we FINALLY say goodbye to Tobin? He’s not just some guy, OK? He’s some guy who has had lines on this show and also been in scenes. What I’m trying to say is I’ll use any reason to take the day off work, and I really hope my boss buys, “I don’t know how to answer emails professionally in a world without Tobin,” as a reasonable excuse.
14) Bitchy Manager Lady Did Not Seem To Fight This
If this lady put half as much energy into fighting off zombies as she did into yelling at her subordinates, she probably wouldn’t have a dead dude munching on her neck right now. But I guess it just goes to prove a theory I’ve been working on my whole life: If some manager lady is being a bitch to the people who work for her, it’s probably because she secretly wishes she was dead.
15) And Yet, Ezekiel Smiles
What befell this creature? If my man Jerry didn’t hit him with the axe, and hats off to Jerry on the excellent axe work this episode, that zombie probably would’ve befell himself off a damn cliff instead of listening to Ezekiel. I get that King Zeke wants to fake it until he makes it and smile. I fucking get it. But I’ll take frowning and silence over smiling and talking like an asshole any day of the week.
16) Daryl’s Trip Down Memory Lane
Daryl opened up this door and was forced to relive one of the darkest periods of his life: That time he was a Zombie Yelp reviewer. “Atmosphere and service leave a lot to be desired. Music sucks. Only thing on the menu was dog food sandwiches. One star.”
17) Rick’s Choking On The First Date
Rick. You just met this guy! DO NOT choke him on the first date. Are some people into choking? Sure. But if things get hot and heavy on a first date, don’t just assume they’re into getting choked! Get to know your new special friend. Have a conversation about physical boundaries. At least buy the guy a dog food sandwich first! Then if you get a green light, choke the shit out of them. It’s called manners.
18) Morgan’s Murder Spree
Holy shit, Morgan. You are completely scaring all of us with this killing spree. Who knew Morgan’s murder stick was the only thing slowing him down from slaughtering thirty dudes a second? I get Morgan’s frustration here. First he was about killing everyone. Then he wasn’t killing anyone. Now he’s supposed to kill all the people all the time but not these people right now? That is some extremely confusing shit! And what the hell are they supposed to do with all these hostages? They already have more than enough cast members for the Hilltop production of Grease! Also, Jesus sure is acting high and mighty and holier than thou, but I guess that’s kind of his brand.
19) Rick’s About To Raise Two Babies That Aren’t His
Now’s not the time to hesitate, Rick! In battle sometimes it’s either you or a baby. Do what needs to be done! Change can come at you pretty fast! Rick’s about to be raising two kids that aren’t his. But a life of Grimes is still safer than living with whoever was tasked with keeping this kid alive before. I didn’t go to any fancy Baby College to get a degree in Infant Slumber, but I’m pretty sure hanging a heavy mirror directly over a sleeping child is not a great way to make sure they live to see tomorrow.
20) How Does This Tiger Know Who Is A Bad Guy?
I’m as thrilled as the next guy that Carol got to save her munitions, but quick question: How, exactly, does Shiva know who are the bad guys? Is there a face chart? Did they pick up special cologne on the last supply run, and Shiva knows to NOT attack people wearing the anti-tiger cologne? I’ve thought about this extensively, and the anti-tiger cologne theory is no joke the closest I can come to explaining this.
21) And Yet, Carol Smiles
So apparently all it takes for Carol to smile these days is knowing everyone, including herself, is marching towards a bloodbath. This smile is now the scariest thing we’ve ever seen on the show.
22) Rick Found His Morales
Rick is reunited with this dude from Atlanta I don’t remember at all because are you fucking kidding me? I can’t tell you what I did two Fridays ago. My stupid life, and the people who come in and out of it, is a blur. I don’t know how you expect me to keep track of Rick’s stupid life, too. I know Morales is a meme for fans but he’s a third string meme behind T-Dog and Spaghetti Tuesdays so I straight up don’t have time for him. Give me starting bench memes only, please don’t waste my time. I like that even the writers on the show realized most people won’t remember this dude. That’s why Rick said, “ I remember you. You’re Morales. From Atlanta. Season one. It was a while ago. Like 98 episodes to be exact but who’s zombie counting these days.” TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Eric be OK? He’ll be fine, that bullet barely killed him. Will we get another pointless montage of faces that nobody asked for and does nothing for the plot? The minutes don’t fill themselves, folks! Will we EVER find out if Father Gabriel shit his pants? Yes! In season twelve when the All Out Pants storyline kicks into full gear, comic readers know what I’m talking about. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S08E03 of The Walking Dead!
Aaand here’s the video version of the recap! As promised, I will continue writing the article version (with bonus jokes) because I heard you guys loud and clear and totally understand that some of you hate the video. But here’s the video in case you want both! See you next Monday!