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May 14, 2018
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Welcome to my cabin, madam! May I interest you in a singing fish or some big smelly boots?

1) This Guy’s Life Doesn’t Seem So Bad

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Getting some quality me time, drinking coffee, playing games, and making eggs. This is literally my ideal Sunday and he gets to live it EVERY. DAY. Sign me up! And I can see why him and Morgan get along so well, they both love mumbling crazy.

2) A Wild Woman Appears

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What a romantic story! “Tell us again, grandfather. How did you and mummy meet?” “Well she washed up on my doorstep. I thought she was dead, because she looked like hell. So I took a look at her wounded torso and lay her to rest next to my Billy Big Mouth Bass.”

3) No Duh She’s Gone

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Uh, no fucking duh she’s gone. You literally put her sleep next to a singing fish.

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This woman REALLY loves stealing cars that aren’t operational. It’s her favorite! All these flashbacks raise a lot of interesting questions: Like how good can a guy who says “might outta” actually be at Scrabble?

4) One Fake Doctor Is Treating Another Fake Doctor

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It’s one continuous loop of fake doctors in the Walking Dead universe.

5) Be My Guest

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Fish stew for dinner? How many fish related items is he going to use to drive this poor woman away? Alright, now go relax behind this flimsy privacy curtain next to the motion activated singing fish while the strange man who doesn’t sleep cleans his guns. So soothing!

6) Spaghetti Store Tuesdays

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I have questions. How does he know what day it is? Does he think women like big smelly boots that don’t fit? Is Sheriff Scrabble the only guy that knows about this fully stocked, totally not looted store? MUST HE SIGN IN AND OUT OF THE SHITTIEST VHS RENTAL CORNER KNOWN TO MAN? MUST HE?!? Apparently he must.

7) This Movie Night Sucks

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People keep talking during the movie, and it’s not even good conversation! It’s just some dude nannering on about his caramels and a lady talking about her lost child. Shut up, please- some of us come to movie night to respect cinema.

8) Teach A Woman To Fish

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What a lovely montage featuring a woman who instantly learns how to fish then whoops the borderline illiterate cowboy in Scrabble.

9) Awkward Goodbye

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Isn’t it awkward when you’re in that phase of a relationship when you think someone’s going to leave the next morning, then they stick around? And you’re like, “Cool! I guess we’re doing errands together now.” Then you have your first fight on a bridge, and it’s about guns, and then you have to kill a bunch of zombies, and it’s scary, but feels kind of good because you’re getting the aggression out from that fight? And then ol’ Machete Guts shows up and you have to kill him and almost get killed and you get in another fight about that? And then you REALLY go to town killing a zombie to release the aggression from that second bridge fight? Isn’t that just the most awkward relationship milestone everyone has had to go through, probably three or four times in their mid-twenties?

10) AHAHA He Has Face Blood Still On Him

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Maybe wait to wipe the face blood off your face before you start talking about whether or not you did the right thing back there.

11) Time For Some Cowboy Shit

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After much struggling and almost dying, John finally busts out the cowboy shit. And it works! And it’s awesome. And now she wants to stick around because women love cowboy shit.

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But they DO NOT love you saying you love them that early in the relationship. You need a few more fishing montages and a couple of bridge fights before you’re there!

12) “Dear John” Scrabble Note

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Oh come the fuck on with this. It looks like he got broken up with by a 10 year old mute.

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Whatever! Morgan thought it was a good story. And that’s all that matters I guess because he is on this show now for reasons I still do not understand. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will there be a flashback? All of these episodes are flashbacks, of course there will be flashbacks. What will Morgan and John talk about on the road? Who knows, but it will guaranteed sound like two broken walkie talkies falling down a flight of stairs. That is to say hard to decipher and certainly won’t make sense. Seriously, what happened to Madison? Seriously? Who cares at this point. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S04E06 of Fear The Walking Dead.

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