This week’s tweets have finally seen the light.
Do you guys think heaven always had iPads, or that they got em when we did?— "Ian" Abramson (@ianabramson) July 19, 2017
Any place can become the scene of the murder if you ask me if I'm sure I'm ok one more fucking time.— bry (@brittwastaken) July 10, 2017
Apparently CAST AWAY was very difficult to shoot. Every time Tom Hanks would yell "Wilson" his wife would walk into frame & see if he was ok— Paul Rust (@paulrust) July 18, 2017
GOOD COP: where were you last night— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) July 25, 2017
GOOD COP: come on talk up
DOG COP: gimme a few minutes alone with him
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 18, 2017
it's difficult being goth while jumping on a trampoline— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) July 2, 2017
You can fill a waterballoon with anything, it doesn't have to be water. It can be chocolate milk! 2% milk! Soy milk, even strawberry milk— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 25, 2017
Accidentally said "shh" instead of "slow down" and a kid silently ran into a glass door— Mark Magark (@markedly) July 24, 2017
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke pic.twitter.com/o180oOeqye— joey (@joeyz95) July 23, 2017
why do people get parrots ur just inviting nature's snitch into ur home— crissy (@crissymilazzo) July 22, 2017
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control— dorothy on peyote (@hellohappy_time) July 23, 2017
ME: Do you mind if I go ahead of you? My flight is in 15 minutes— Asher Perlman (@asherperlman) June 12, 2017
MAN: This is a movie theater
ME: I know I know I'm taking a risk for sure
"Faster!" I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.— bun (@eminmien) May 27, 2017
"I'm trying!" Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) July 24, 2017
HOUSTON: Interesting, and yet when I have a problem you are off in space nowhere to be found. Hmm.
How is Trump still president, am I not faving the right tweets!?— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) July 23, 2017
You think you know somebody and then your friend backs into a parking space— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) July 24, 2017
[beach]— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) July 24, 2017
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can't kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it's the law diane
Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn't recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) July 20, 2017
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) July 23, 2017
"Congrats" on your baby.
Congrats on "your" baby.
Congrats on your "baby".
moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 18, 2017
[Wolverine patiently waits for his gel nails while intently taking a quiz on "what superhero are you" on Buzzfeed]— Jane Cactus (@AtticusFinch79) July 8, 2017
to make friends as an adult just walk up to a cool looking person and say "I must have you for my collection"— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 7, 2017
my father was a christian missionary and i am an agnostic reverse cowgirl— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) July 23, 2017
INTERVIEWER: Wow, it says here that you're psychic?— Floyd (@dafloydsta) July 25, 2017
ME: *grabs résumé* Ah, typo. That should be psycho. Just fuckin nuts.
so when you say you're not rich but your parents "help you out" — do you get stuck in wells often or what's up— Amazon Return Artist (@benkling) July 21, 2017
[spelling bee]— Mowgli (@Holy_Mowgli) July 18, 2017
JUDGE: the word is "semicolon"
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
"So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman's Guide to the Internet"— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 1, 2017