1) They Took Morgan’s Karate Stick? Shit Just Got Real
Violence is almost never the answer, but I’m glad Morgan clocked this dude with his karate stick. Any adult man who says, “No guns for bad boys,” and means it deserves to get one upside the head. Oh, SHIT. They took Morgan’s karate stick. It’s on now! Code be damned, he’ll murder everyone and their kids to get his karate stick back. He’ll go back and re-murder his wife from the first episode if he has to! Stickless Morgan will stop at nothing!
It was cute Morgan thought saying please and mentioning the karate stick’s origin story would get his weapon returned. “Someone gave it to me. Someone who’s gone now. T-Dog: The one true dog. Gone but not forgotten, always in our hears. I say he’s in our ‘hears’ because we lost the T forever.“ Anyway, Dead Sister’s Dress is my new favorite character. A fan favorite from the comics, it’s great to see Dead Sister’s Dress finally getting some screen time!
2) “Every Time From This Time Forward, So You Shall. Yes?”
Nobody talks like that, Ezekiel! Stop talking like that. Steve Oilyhair has no clue what he just signed up for. Guacamole duty? “Every batch of guac from this time forward shall have pomegranate seeds in the mix. Not too many, mind yee. Just enough to add a little flavor and texture. So the guac shall be. Yes?” Hell yeah, sign me up for guacamole duty! It’s a tough job, but someone needs to get those pomegranate seeds in the mix.
3) This Is The Most Daryl Has Said All Season
Daryl is speaking in full sentences whenever he’s on screen, for the first time in two years, and it’s starting to freak me out. It’s like seeing your teacher shopping for groceries. The first time is cool and novel but if you keep seeing your teacher in that grocery store, it’s like, do you also work here? Do you teach and also work at the grocery store? IT’S TOO MUCH TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND.
Cool. This is the Daryl I know and love. Silently brooding while brandishing a crossbow and in comes the theme music. Much more my speed. Thanks!
4) Lieutenant BMX Pads’ Crying Trailer Actually Has A Purpose? I Thought He Was Just Crying In There
So you’re telling me the trailer in the middle of the woods where the Knight In Nerf Armor goes to cry serves a function beyond just providing him with a place to sob in peace? Because when I saw his tantrum trailer, that was the first move this dummy’s made that I agree with. It’s smart, I wish I had one. Ahhhh! Of course! He’s making alcohol with his own urine in there! Very clever. The alcohol will depress him and the scent of fermented piss will cause his eyes to water faster. Love the efficiency.
5) Detective Daryl Connecting The Dots
You’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning to get one past Detective Dixon. He’s not afraid to ask the hard hitting questions to get the facts.
This would be a great time to point out that Breaking Bad did the, “Say name!” thing already on the same network at the same time just a couple of years ago, but THIS EXACT SHOW ALSO DID IT THIS EXACT SEASON. The more you know!
6) Daryl’s Unreasonably Long List Of Ways Carol Could Die & He’d Still Hold A Mortal Grudge
How many people have ever had a productive conversation looking down the sights of a crossbow? I’m going with less than one in the history of both productive conversations and also crossbows. But Daryl’s looking to be the exception! While I totally agree that Carol must be protected at all costs, I don’t think you need to hold this guy responsible for anything bad that can happen to her. “IF SHE DOWNLOADS A FUNKY EMAIL ATTACHMENT THAT MESSES UP HER COMPUTER. IF SHE TAKES BAD ECSTASY AT A PHISH CONCERT AND SPRAINS HER ANKLES TRYING TO BREAKDANCE. IF SHE HAS TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE SEAT ON AN INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT BETWEEN TWO OVERWEIGHT BUSINESSMEN WITH HYGIENE ISSUES AND HER SEAT HAS A USB CHARGER PORT BUT THE USB CHARGER PORT DOESN’T WORK! I’LL KILL YOU DEAD WHERE YOU STAND!!!”
7) This Episode Is Trash
HAHAHA. Wait. How bad must this place smell? And why does everyone here look like they’re wearing Yeezy Season 7? These humans look a lot scarier than the zombies. On some Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 shit. ALRIGHT, WEIRDOS. LET’S GET IN FORMATION!
I love that Rick looks at Michonne to let her know that it’s going to be OK.
Then she looks back at him with a face that says, “Trust me, white people are capable of being crazier than you could possibly imagine. And these are some extremely crazy extremely white people.”
8) Father Gabriel Looks Like He Just Spent Four Nights In Vegas
Damn, Father G. It appears that you are officially on one! This is classic four nights in Vegas level deterioration of the human mind, body, and wardrobe. He still has his nice pants on from the club, but he lost his shirt and needs someone to hold his hand to walk in a straight line.
Wow, Rick. Truly shocked your vague rambling crazy man speech, with your buddy over yonder looking like he smoked crack with the devil all weekend, didn’t win this lady over. Glad I was sitting down for that shocking moment.
9) Father Gabriel’s Motivated Sales Pitch
So when Rick’s pep talk didn’t curry sufficient favor, Father G steps up to the plate with a new tactic. “The Saviors’ house is awesome! They’ve got Hot Pockets, and wifi, and Pogs! They’ve got glow in the dark Pogs!” Wait, glow in the dark Pogs? God damn, dude! Sign my ass up, I’ll be over right after I’m done with the guacamole project. All of these trash people are so sickly and pasty and tall with weird proportions. It’s like God stretched them on Photoshop and forgot to hold the shift key down. SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY PHOTOSHOP HEADS HOLDING SHIFT KEYS DOWN.
10) These Trash People Forgot How To Words Good
It’s a testament to how stiff this show’s writing can be that it took me way too many lines of dialogue to pick up on the fact that Madamme Haircut and her garbage gang forgot how to words good. It’s all a lot of jibber jabber and gang signs. Right on, I can actually support that.
It’s cute Rick has to stand here and try to pretend he understands what this crazy broad is saying. She speaks in riddles. Talking about opening up tin cans with bad spaghetti-o’s and maybe she’ll change, presumably regarding hairstyles. This is almost as bad as Rick telling a story about wagon wheels but not as bad because nothing will ever be as bad as that story about wagon wheels. Also, someone on Reddit pointed out this shot of Rick looks a lot like Michael and Dwight at the dump in The Office.
That dude is right! Good job, dude from Reddit!
11) Rick Grimes’ Trash Battle With The Beyoncé Of Zombies
This zombie is so extra. If Beyoncé was a zombie, she’d be this zombié, even spelled with that “é” because Beyoncé is so goddamn extra. Still love you, Bey. Please don’t light my shit up, Beyhive. Look, I just saw ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ five times in a row last week on Funny Or Die’s Snapchat/IG (here’s the full recap, this is a shameless plug for another thing I wrote) so I totally get the need to add dumb shit to your face to spice it up. But also it’s dumb as hell, so maybe don’t do it in the first place.
NO! RICK! DON’T DO THAT WITH YOUR HAND! DID YOU FORGET HOW HANDS WORK?!? THAT IS YOUR HAND! YOU DO NOT WANT TO PUT SHARP METAL STUFF THROUGH IT! AHHHHHH!
Wow. Using your surroundings to defeat your enemy, classic video game boss battle move! Also, whenever I get a giant open wound on my hand and/or leg I like to rain garbage down upon it. I find the garbage juices really help lock in the blood and contain any potential infections.
Wait. A rope? HAHHAHHAHAH. A rope is the easiest way to get my one handed man up out of that pit? Really? You’re gonna do Rick like that, are you kidding me? HAHAHAHHA. Season 7 of this show is amazing. I love this show. I know I goof on it, but I really love this show. Eagerly awaiting the weekly discussion in the comments (I read all the comments) where three of you says I suck and twelve of you remind those three people that I like the show. It’s my favorite part of the week!
12) Rick Grimes: Master Negotiator
Rick’s old school when it comes to negotiating. He knows that if you want to get your way, you need to be firm on some things and flexible on others and also look like you just fisted Godzilla on her period.
And there it is. The exact moment Rick realizes this crazy white lady is also stupid. You can see it on his face. Rick bought crazy to a stupid fight, classic strategic error.
13) Her Ombre Hair Is Too Cool For The Zombie Apocalypse And Doesn’t Make Sense Within The Established Walking Dead Timeline
I’m writing this on my day off (because I love you guys and also goofing on this show) so clearly I have a lot of spare time. But I still don’t have QUITE enough time to pinpoint EXACTLY when the ombre hair trend started. I looked on Google News and it appears to have really taken off mid-2016 (that’s when my coworker explained it to me, it’s the thing where the hair is lighter towards the bottom) so my point here, and it’s very petty so buckle up, is that her ombre haircut is too cool and doesn’t make sense in the established timeline of this show. We’re less than two years into the outbreak, which started in 2012 according to Fear The Walking Dead, so. Yeah. I’m glad I brought up this super valid point that nobody could live without me making. Truly our lives are all richer for these posts.
EDIT: Several of you immediately pointed out in the comments that this is actually her roots growing in. Sure, OK, I guess. But I still contend it’s a conscious choice by the hair & makeup department to give her a currently fashionable hairstyle and holy shit I can’t believe this is how I’m spending my day off.
What’s the leader’s name? Jadis? As a dude with a dumb name I need to repeat at Starbucks on the regular, everyone here has a dumb name they’d definitely have to repeat when ordering at Zombie Starbucks. Plus they’re all gaunt and skinny and can’t speak for shit. It’s almost like living in the middle of a giant pile of garbage is bad for you or something.
14) Jerry’s Gonna Die Soon :(
I’ve got a bad feeling about this. That cobbler probably has a longer future on this show than Jerry. He’s too pure for this world, and also anytime a character gets substantial screen time and the fans enjoy them they have to die. Sorry! Those are just the rules. Gonna miss you, Jerry. See you on the other side.
15) What Made Rick Smile? The Answer Is Obvious
What made Rick smile? So glad you asked, Father G. He realized something important. He realized enemies can become friends. Like how a chicken is sometimes your enemy, but can become your friend. And sometimes a friend becomes more than just a friend. Sometimes friends invite each other over to hang out and get naked. Sometimes you fuck your friends and, in the case of Rick Grimes who facially outed himself last week as a dude who enjoys banging chickens, if those friends are chickens you’re probably fucking a chicken or two. That’s why he smiled. He thought of fucking chickens. Happy Presidents’ Day, you guys.
16) Daryl Little Liar
Daryl’s so sweet telling Carol what she wants to hear. Santa Claus is real, Carol! And so is the Tooth Fairy. And your dog went to live on a farm at the old age of 12 and mommy and daddy aren’t getting divorced! Daddy is just going to move into a condo in Burbank for a bit so mommy and daddy can have some time apart to remember why they love each other so much! Great job, Daryl! Lying to Carol about that stuff won’t in any way come back to be an issue later. Enjoy a bowl of Carol’s signature scalding hot fireplace soup! If you don’t like the way it tastes the first bite, she GUARANTEES you won’t be able to taste the second bite. JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will Rick still be able to compete in the annual arm wrestling tournament at Hilltop? He’ll be crushed if he can’t, first prize is a purple frisbee! Will Negan make an appearance? No ifs ands or butts about it, definitely not his butt because Negan has no ass. Will Morgan ever get his stick back?! I hope so! It’s not like those things grow on trees! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E11 of The Walking Dead!
EDITOR’S NOTE: I added a “Previously on…” link at the top of this post so you can go back and read last week’s. Going to make that a regular thing and also go back and update all the old recaps so you can read all of these if you want and see that they haven’t gotten worse over time, they’ve always been terrible. See you next Monday!