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April 17, 2017
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Fox News Human Resources has implemented a waiver all new employees must sign in order to crack down on all of these pesky little sexual harassment kerfuffles.

I, _______________, acknowledge that I have received the Fox News Sexual Harassment Waiver and pledge to adhere to its guidelines. I understand that recent sexual harassment scandals involving former chairman Roger Ailes, and now O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly, have cost Fox News millions of dollars and it is my responsibility as a member of the Fox News family to help limit these incidents.

I recognize that allegations of sexual harassment create a hostile, intimidating or uncomfortable environment for the management, lawyers, and advertisers of Fox News. I understand that sexual harassment allegations are generally defined as any unwelcome or unwanted reports of sexual advances, narcing on requests for sexual favors, or otherwise snitching about verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature.

Accusatory behavior I pledge to refrain from includes, but is not limited to:

  • complaining about obscene jokes
  • frowning at Mr. O’Reilly’s lewd comments
  • getting all weird about sexual depictions
  • turning down repeated requests for dates
  • gossiping about unwanted touching
  • not listening to Mr. O’Reilly when he tells me about the dream he had about me
  • swatting hands away from my posterior, chest, or crotch
  • mentioning to Mr. O’Reilly that I am married or have a boyfriend
  • repeatedly asking male colleagues to put their dicks away
  • insisting on bringing a chair into a meeting with Mr. O’Reilly when he has already offered that I sit on his lap
  • reminding other employees that former Chairman Roger Ailes had a weird wall constructed around his office so that no one could see who went in or out or what he was doing in there with young interns
  • telling a single soul that Mr. O’Reilly begged me to sodomize him with one of his Peabody awards

I recognize that when a troublemaker cries sexual harassment, human resources conducts an investigation, lawyers might have to get involved, and all of that costs money.When Fox News is burdened with sexual harassment investigations the employees at the bottom are hurt most because it sure as hell isn’t coming out of management’s pockets.

It is my responsibility to foster a profitable, chill working environment for my bosses and corporate benefactors by refraining from making sexual harassment allegations.

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Date

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Would You Date Bill O’Reilly (Y/N)

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