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June 22, 2017
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The Story of Mario Kart 64 and How It Destroyed Two Best Friends

What began as a fun little trip down memory lane has lead to two best friends hitting the biggest banana of all. For Jon Walkup and Kenneth Beckerdite, Mario Kart 64 was just something to do to pass the time, after both their wives filed for divorce.

Back in June of 2015 stakes were high at Wario Stadium during Beckerdite’s 5th consecutive win against Walkup. “All summer long I be kickin’ his ass,” Beckerdite told us, when we sat down with him at his home in Buenos Aires.

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“Thing was, Jon wasn’t very good at the game. I’ve never known him to be a very coordinated guy with his hands. I usually had the upper hand. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? Lose? No. This is America. Trump is about to be president.”

The continual losses began to put pressure on Jon, and ultimately, their friendship. He would stay up long nights, playing the game, getting progressively better and better. Still, Kenneth continued to “smash”, as he put it, Jon at every corner, every jump, every dire second. This is where the friendship would begin to cease to be friendly

“Eventually, it felt like the game was handicapping me. I was winning so often, that Jon would pull three (explicative) lightnings in a row… In second place. It was ridiculous.”

Kenneth found it challenging, throwing the usual “bitch fit” when the game would, as he put it, “conspire against him.” Particularly upsetting was the fact that Jon would continue to use the lightning on the big jump on Wario Stadium, a favorite of both, something they would both coined as a “career ending move.”

“Essentially, a ‘career ender’ is when one uses a weapon to take out a driver on a jump or near lava, sending them back into last place. The driver usually couldn’t pick up the momentum again and the first place driver would never have to worry about their existence, ever.”

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Ken having his ‘career ended’ for the first time

The tides began to turn, as Jon had perfected the ‘career ender’ to such a degree that Kenneth stopped playing completely. But, unable to let go of the idea of losing, Kenneth sought out some help, from the darkest corners of Mario Karting. This would be the biggest of all ‘career ending’ moves.

“I won’t say how I found it, because that would be illegal, but I stumbled across a guy at a sushi restaurant who knew a thing or two about Mario Kart 64, specifically a move that would entitle me to win every time on Wario Stadium,” Kenneth says.

Kenneth wouldn’t give the name of his source, but the two became fast friends, and the source told him everything he needed to know about the sport of Mario Karting.

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The only known photo Alejandro Chu Chu Romero A.K.A Milkshake

(Kenneth would not confirm or deny if this man, Alejandro Chu Chu Romero A.K.A Milkshake, was indeed his source)

“He truly elevated the game, in a, I guess, religious sort of way. We would go to his basement, get down in our skivvies, a bowl of popcorn, and play some Mario Kart. I’m not sure what the near nakedness did, or the popcorn, but I just knew it felt right.”

Kenneth continued to win, over and over, lightning was no longer a challenge, or a worry.

In a seemingly harmless gesture, Kenneth taught the move to Jon, but little did he know, the tides would turn against him as Jon would master the move, to near perfection. We recently sat down for an interview with Jon, who is currently attending a rehabilitation center in Chico, California.

“The feeling of jumping over that wall was something nobody, not even that mother f***** Kenneth Beckerdite can take away from me.”

But what we found was that jumping the wall at Wario Stadium was just the tip of the iceberg as to what caused this friendship to disintegrate.

It was only a month after discovering the wall jump that Walkup would check himself into rehab for what he calls a “slight cocaine addiction.” He explained that the reason he could cheat at Mario Kart so well was because he was high. Walkup went on to say, “You ever been so damn good at something because of drugs? Huh? Well, I was!”

After digging around online we stumbled across a YouTube video where Walkup filmed himself playing Mario Kart, and right before the race begins he leans into the camera and whispers “I am Wario”. The video was one of the creepiest things we’ve watched, and a day later was removed from the site.

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But Jon’s drug addiction and Kenneth’s need to win would get the better of both of them. The jump continued to pit the two against each other and in a fit of rage one evening, they both simultaneously threw their respective controllers, knocking each other out. As they stood up, they both yelled, “I’m going to sue you,” at the same time.

When reached out for comment, Kenneth stated:

“Yeah, and I’d f******* do it again too. See, you gotta understand, what you really need to understand, is that he’s a f******* cheating f*** sent from hell to f*** me in the a**. I mean, I love the guy, but he really f****** me in the a**. Every day. Just got deep inside. And, I don’t know… Jesus. I just wanted to play Mario Kart. Why wasn’t he just happy with losing?”

Jon could not be reached for comment on the incident, because of a recent relapse:

“I’m-a-gonna-win! That’s what Wario says, that’s what I say. I’m Wario. He and I are one, bonded through cocaine.”

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They have both met with lawyers, and their trial began December 18th, the day “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens in theatres.

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